Not praying for Paris.


So this morning I woke up and like many people, checking Facebook, watching some YouTube, while having breakfast.

But today it was full, and I mean FULL, of the Paris attacks. It was full of compassionate post and half of those posts were about please pray for Paris.

And when those started piling up I turned my Facebook off and did not have a look again until the evening. I actually went out and did not look at any social media.
My surprise in the evening, everybody has started to go nuts about the things that happened in Paris. My own husband started giving me Muslim-hate-statements until I forcefully stopped.

For me this whole thing has three sides. And all three prevent me from getting into depth and caring about it too much.

  1. I used to work at a big social media website for a while and one of my jobs there was to review reported material. Now what (among other stuff) do you think gets reported? Yes, war images, Muslim hate, terrorism stuff, etc. So for that whole time, where I had to review these things, I got a little dull. I had my fare share of raging and being sad but at some point you have to stop investing your energy in it or you will go completely nuts. You need to stop caring to a degree to keep sane and to protect yourself. You need to become dull so you can keep functioning and so you can sleep at night instead of waking up 20 times because the images haunt you.
    So I became dull. I slept at night. I stay aware of the bad things that happen in the world but for my own sanity, I need to distance myself a lot at this point.
  2. I am on the edge to losing it at the moment. And this is the main reason why I just cannot let it get to me. It is the reason why I did not read up or start watching the news. It is the reason I scrolled past everything Paris in the evening. My job has brought me to a level where I cannot sleep any longer, and where I am slipping from one panic attack into the next one. I do not need any more things that could trigger me to become even more negative and unhappy. So as seen above, I need to try and keep myself together by shielding myself from these things. (Yes, I am selfish)
  3. I will not pray, I will not share anything that asks people to pray, I will not comment or like it. I will show my middle finger to it. Why you ask? Because every time someone prays, he did not do anything for real. You put your hands together, talk to your imaginary sky daddy who apparently is all knowing and has this big plan but you cannot deal with your sky daddy’s plan so you pray? Do you think you are actually doing a damn thing there? I know that I cannot do anything and I will not pretend that I can by speaking to myself. Come on people, aren’t you too old for that crap.
    Be compassionate, say nice things, cry with the victims if you must, but leave your fucking religion out of it. A hate crime happened, stop pretending that you are doing something by praying.

Btw, I am not being an ass here even if it sounds like it. I am very sorry for those who lost people there and very sad that this happened. I just simply do not have the energy in me to deal with the thing right now.

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 15, 2015 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Holiday season is knocking at the door


So Halloween is over, we see the shops preparing Christmas treats and decorations while Thanksgiving is coming closer. Autumn is showing us so many colours and how that slight tilt, that makes our planet wobble through the year, change the lenght of the day.

But while so many nice and beautiful things are happening due to the season and nature, now all the hatred and the fights are starting too.

People complain because it is not December yet but shops are selling Christmas stuff.
People complain that Starbucks has red holiday cups without pretty pictures on it.
Christians complain that people of different or no faith say “happy holiday” rather than “happy Christmas”.
People complain that it is getting cold and dark.

Isn’t it a shame, during such a nice time of the year, that everybody has to complain even more than usually? Why would you poison your own happiness and your own holiday and your own autumn? Why is it so important to you that the shops only sell Christmas things in December and that a Buddhist won’t say “Happy Christmas”?

The thing with the shops, for example, is very smart.
Families with low income can prepare in advance. Get some nice things, one at a time, two month in advance and still have nice holidays which they would not be able to afford if shops wouldn’t sell the stuff early. And the shops don’t miss out on any business either. It is a win win situation. I am one of the people who have to start buying Christmas stuff early. I bought Stollen and first decorations a month ago. I keep taking a piece of two every week because only this way I will be able to afford a nice Christmas.

And this brings me to the next point.

This question:
“If you are not religious, then why do you want Christmas off?”
Easy. First of all, if you get a day off, it is only fair for me to get one as well.

Apart from that, and as I mentioned last year in a post, Christmas is originally not a Christian holiday and it has been artificially moved to the 25th back then. It did not use to be there.
So what I celebrate on Christmas is completely different from you.
I celebrate nature, the circle of the year, the circle of life, the seasons, the fact that the days are getting longer again, Life itself, a time of warmth, a time of love and giving, a time of holding together and pulling through. It is a time where I recab the year. What have I accomplished and where do I want to go? What do I have to change in my life and what should stay they way it is? It is a time where nature shows us who is boss. It is a time of being humble and thoughtful.
It is a time of great food, of the most colourful decorations. A time of playing with light and candles. A time of doing things with your family. Baking, cooking, having long walks outside, going to the Christmas market, of smelling cinnamon and oranges, of seeing the nice decorations on people’s houses, of wonderful music and theatre.

Oh yes, I as an atheist have a lot to celebrate and yes, I want some time off as well, just like everybody else.

So this year, let’s try not to hate so much, how about that.

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 11, 2015 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I get it now

About a week ago I realized why some people will commit suicide because of their work.

They have a good job, it pays fine, there are benefits, the co-workers are nice.
But something is wrong and very toxic. And this something can drive people to suicide.

I get it now.

My job is such a place and I am sure, if I stay there for much longer, I will fall back into my depressed and suicidal hole.

Here is the thing.
There are things that are just toxic and even a healthy mind cannot deal with it well, but a mind that is not healthy will die.

For example:

I can deal with high work loads, I can deal with stress, I can deal with annoying co-workers, I can deal with very dumb customers, I can deal with shift work, I can deal with working on holidays, and so on.

What I cannot deal with is unreasonable things. 
In my current job there is so much unreasonable, that I just cannot be me any more.
The idea that the customer has to be happy with the work I deliver is great and it was one of the reasons I wanted this job to begin with. But here is the thing. The company recently split. Since then the workload quadrupled. No I am not making this number up.
Now we were told to expect some difficulties during the first couple weeks.
But here is the thing. Things have gotten worse and worse. Now the workload has gone so high that it is impossible to work well any more. I barely get to read and answer every email from a customer. Of course the customers are not happy and we get bad ratings. Of course it is not the bad system but us, the customer care workers, who are at fault there.
I dared to ask if there is maximum number of assigned tickets. The answer was a very flowry and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
When my supervisor had a 1to1 with me, he asked me how I feel. I told him that I feel overwhelmed by the high workload. And his answer was also a very flowery and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
So I come to work every morning, knowing that I cannot deliver the quality I am paid to deliver. Instead of that, I deliver nothing. The second I close one ticket, I get two more on top of it. There is no end, there is no proper break, there is no getting out of it.
And it isn’t even only that. On top of that, all (but one) team leaders are completely incompetent. Either physically hiding all day or having everything more important than helping out when they should. There are also three supervisors. Mine is very quiet and most of the time does what he should do. There is one supervisor who does not know professional boundaries to the people working under him. And there is the third supervisor who honestly only talks bullshit by trying to be social and human to everybody.

Recently I called in sick for a day because I just couldn’t take it any more. I went to the doctor and had the doctor give me a cert saying I had a stomach bug. This was a lie but sadly, mental instability is not something that is worthy of a day off.
My husband recently told me that he doesn’t like the way I am lately. Moody, cranky, bitchy, calling in sick. This is not me. But lately this is completely me.

Now I took steps. I started applying again and on Friday I have an interview. But imagine I’d be 50+ years old. I would not have a way out because at that age you won’t find a new job as easily. That is sad but true. Or people who do not have a wide skill set or people who don’t learn new things as easily as I do. I get it, when you do not see a way out. I get it, that you might feel that either you become a zombie without will and just go to work day by day hating yourself for what you are letting the job do to you. I get it when this is the only job you think you can have. I get it.

I am very happy that I have a husband at home who lovingly catches me every day and has my back. A husband who honestly tells me that he doesn’t think I should keep this job and encourages me to find something else.

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 9, 2015 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

That daily callcenter struggle

Everybody who has ever worked especially a later shift in a callcenter knows this feeling:

You are basically hovering with your mouse pointer over the button to sign off from the phone lines. I mean yes, you will do that always close to the end of your shift, but if you have the last shift of the day, you will have this urge to sign yourself off the phone lines five minutes early just so you do not have to deal with anybody past closing time.

So currently I am on that last shift of the day. Generally I like that. The last hour of the day is the least busy as here in Ireland I am an hour behind the language market I support. So most of the time I have maybe one or two calls during that last hour and can just relax. Nice way to get into the evening.

So this past Friday, I had this same thing. Basically hovering with the mouse over the sign off. Five minutes before weekend I get a call. I am hoping “Oh please let this be a quick thing!”
Guy says that he is standing in his server center and has problems signing in to our website.
My thought: “YESSS an IT guy, easy. Log in problem, easy!”

Here is the conversation:

Me: You are on your computer right now, yes?
Guy: Yes, I am.
Me: Good. Please get on our website
Guy: *starts spelling out very slowly while typing the website but forgetting the dot in the middle*
Me: *hears the missing dot* www. XYZ  DOT   XYZ . com
Guy: I am there *reads me an error I know
Me: You forgot the dot. Please write the web adress as I say www. XYZ  DOT   XYZ . com
Guy: Yes. I am there now. Translate to German….. *clicks* I am on Google now.
Me: *facepalming slightly, checking the time, one minute to go, omg please just do what I say, man* Sir, please write the website again and don’t translate to German this time. I will tell you exactly where to click and what to write.
Guy: Ok. *does it*
Me: At “username” write your email address.
Guy: *Slowly spells out the email while typing* Yes. Password?
Me: If you don’t know your password, please request a new one. Click on “Forgot your password”
Guy: *does it* Email?
Me: Yes, write it please.
Guy: Reset *clicks* Confirm?
Me: Yes please.
Guy: There is no password.
Me: Please give it a minute.
Guy: There is no password!
Me: *thinking maybe it didn’t work* Ok, let me reset it for you in my system *I do that* Ok I reset it now. Can you check your email please?
Guy: Oh? I have no outlook here.
Me: Ok. *facepalm again* Can you please go to a computer where you can access your emails?
Guy: But I am in the server center, there is no outlook here. Can you tell me the password?
Me: Yes I understand. I cannot see your password, I can only reset it. It should be in your email inbox.
Guy: So I need to go upstairs now to the other computer?
Me: Yes sir. Please do that and check if you received your password.
Guy: Ok I will do that now and if I didn’t receive it, I can call again right?
Me: Yes, of course.

Ok so….

How for fucks sake can a person, who does not even know that after resetting a password, you receive instructions via email, how how can this person be a fucking server administrator????

They fired the real IT guys and because the janitor knows how to operate a light switch, they took him for the servers??? Honestly…

And such people are paid double what I earn you know… What the fuck….

Leave a comment

Posted by on November 7, 2015 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just two things – Just a little rambling

First thing:

Lately work had become so stressful that I wasn’t able to sleep any more. My anxiety came back and I started feeling sick all the time. I can deal with stress but as soon as the stress becomes unreasonable, I don’t know how to deal with it. For example consider this:
We have to spend 40% of our time at work being ready to take calls. The other 60% we are good to put into working on tickets and other assignments. One ticket, overall, usually takes about 2 hours to solve the problem. In a lot of cases it takes much more and in some cases it takes less. So we are supposed to finish 4 a day. Well for some reason, on my market, the incoming tickets in the queue tripled and now we are getting them assigned like they are Christmas candy. So for about 3 weeks I have been stressing out and crumbling under the workload. Then I started talking to co-workers who are clearly not that stressed and I talked to my husband. Everybody basically told me to slow down, not break myself for this, and just do what I can and chill. So It took me another 3 days to actually put this mindset into practice. Today it finally worked out. I did not feel highly stressed. Currently I am not going on the phone and if someone asks,I can tell them why.
But yea, unreasonable stress is difficult to deal with because of its very nature. There is no common sense, no nothing behind it. It is just being generated for no good reason. And It is obviously one of the things I need to learn to deal with.

Second thing

I saw this video of someone telling his life story. And he focussed mainly on all the bad things that had happened to him. He explained a lot about how things used to be so difficult, how he was traumatized. He talked about abuse, therapy, religion, and so on. Over all it was about 45 minutes long. And I understand how things were very difficult for him. I get why felt and feels the way he described.
It kind of reminded me of my own life story. I hinted a few times, that it was not a rosy life that I had. There was enough bad stuff for two life times or even three. And at some point, for my own mental health and therapeutic reasons, I wrote as much of my life down, as I could. It was a huuuuge wall of text. Every time I remembered something again, I would add it to my wall of text. It felt good to get it all out. But to be honest, not everything was bad. There are some things that were nice, like just generally the fact that I grew up on the country side until I was 14 or so. And in my wall of text, I was also adding those things.
In the end, reading it all, yes, the negatives are far more, but I wouldn’t be able to stay sane if this is what I would focus on all the time. Looking forward is sometimes the best thing. Leaving the past in the past can be very healthy. But I had to learn it. I understand if someone needs to get it all out at least once. I think it is part of the process of letting things go.

Leave a comment

Posted by on October 29, 2015 in Uncategorized


Favourite childhood memory anyone?

I just saw something on my Facebook wall.

“My favourite childhood memory does not pay bills”

And I got to think. First I was associating with this the profession I wanted to have. I always wanted to become a psychologist or “something with animals”. Never made it. Now I sit in a call center of a software company. Pays the bills though.

But it said “memory” there, so I thought of what my favourite childhood memory is and realized that it took me a few minutes to dig out some nice childhood memories. But there is no childhood memory that I could call my favourite.

I always liked when we made music together or when we would craft something at home. I liked when we would go to the zoo. I liked playing in the theatre club at school. I liked going to the choir. I loved animals and I loved to be left alone.

There are some very nice memories that I have. Not a lot mind me, my childhood was not very rosy. But I hold a few memories.

  • My grandma would always put those Christmas candy and chocolates on the Christmas tree and I was always allowed to take one when I came for a visit. And I was allowed to turn the light on in the little nativity set.
  • One year my mom put real candles on the Christmas tree. And she explained to me how to space them and where to put them and why we needed a bucket of water there. It looked beautiful. That year, Christmas was very nice over all.
  • My dad never had much time to do fun things with me because he wasn’t around much but once he went on a hike in the forest with me. And we drank from a little tiny river there. The water was very clean and clear and I could see the colourful pebbles on the river bed.
  • My dad also went fishing with me and I liked that a lot because I was allowed to swim in that lake as long as I would keep some distance to where he was fishing. And then he showed me how to swim on your back and how to clean out a fish.

But this is already all. There are other nice memories, yes, but they are all attached to something bad that happened that day because the bad that happened was my normal and usual. The rare thing would be a day without bad news and without a horrible fight or some mental abuse.
I am not saying this to whine. I had my ways to deal back then. It is simply to make this point that I find it so incredibly hard to find good memories that are not attached to something bad.

No one has a perfect life, I know. I just found it weird that everybody seems to have an easy time to remember lots of nice things from their childhood. So many in fact that it is possible to pick a favourite. And I have a list of exactly four purely positive memories.

Mind me, I am talking before teenage as we were talking childhood here. I would probably find one or two more memories if we added teenage years to this.

Leave a comment

Posted by on October 22, 2015 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , ,

Annoying, shitty, asshole people

So there are people who I just want to punch in the face with a chair sometimes.

Here a few:

  • Teamlead A: Hiding 80 percent of the day by pretending to be in meetings when in real she is just sitting in the minikitchen or typing stuff alone in a meeting room. Everybody knows she is not in meetings btw. When you need something, she will tell you to send a mail. Then she will never respond. When you come to her desk because it is an urgent matter, she will ask unrelated questions and tell you a useless information. Ah and the best are general phrases that people should do certain things better, unrelated to wether or not I am doing that thing wrong or not and when I say that I am doing it, she throws her hands in the air, shrugging and telling me that it’s just feedback.
    Thanks for nothing and fuck you very much, bitch.
  • Teamlead B: Only in half the day because reasons. During that half day he literally sits on his desk solving rubik’s cubes. And once in a blue moon he will fill out some exel that no one needs. I am serious here. If you send an email because you need help, he will do nothing but then 5 minutes before he leaves he will tell you that he didn’t get to it.
    Thanks for nothing, fucker. You are useless!
  • Team member in spare time project.
    Me: “I was told you wrote down what you guys talked about in the skype meeting. Could you share that with me please?”
    Him: “Sure, I saved it on the drive, let me look for the link.”
    Me: “Thanks.”
    Him: “Here. It is in this shared drive. You can find it with the title xyz”
    Me: “Ah great, thank you!”
    Him: “Which is shared on the facebook group”
    Like do you NEED to have the last word? Do you NEED to teach me a lesson here? Can you please just tell me to check the group or hint me in the direction instead of carrying on like this? Is a “thank you” not enough? Want me to kneel and ask forgiveness for asking an information that you are supposed to provide anyway because you are in fucking charge of that shit?
  • The coworker who cannot see when I work and need to not be interrupted even when I say “I need to finish this. Can you wait a minute?” Is this not hint enough for you to shut the fuck up and leave me alone? Every time it is SOOOO important just so you can tell me some pointless bullshit. I have shit to do just like you. Respect that. Respect that if I do not respond I am doing shit and just leave me the fuck alone!

I am very stressed lately, so things that I would usually ignore, just annoy me so much more.

Especially those people who do not know how shut up and need to have the last word no matter what. I hate that shit. Dragging the conversation on for no good reason but just so you can have the last word, see the team member thing. Like give me some raw info and then leave me be. I am old enough to not need the bullshit. If you are busy or annoyed or just don’t feel like it, just say so and get lost. I will find my way without you too.

FFS people suck so much.

Thanks, rant over.

Leave a comment

Posted by on October 20, 2015 in Uncategorized


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 48 other followers