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Let’s ramble

A lot of different things have been on my mind since the last post and a lot of times I thought that it would make a good blog post but then again, I am pretty busy lately so I didn’t find the time to write. Today I decided to just steal that time from something else.

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Work stuff:
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I am at this point where I just keep saying that I don’t care at all anymore. I doing the bare minimum at work because honestly fuck this shit.

Let me tell you what happened:

I have a very clean slate at work. I am the person that is on time always, the one who locks their screen, the one who knows all policies and workflows, the one who will help all newbies and always find the time to explain something new. By now I am officially a mentor, a coach, and a quality reviewer. I plan workloads, prepare presentations, etc etc. That is all not in my job description. I just do it because I like it. So I am not complaining of course. I love a challenge, I love getting to work on a project so later I can say “wow this was me and I helped so many people with it”. It just feels good. Yes, I feel proud of the work I do because I am good at what I am doing.
Now like in every customer related job, there are different queues and all the tickets that come in have to be worked within a certain time frame. Now there is one queue where we need to answer within 24 hours. So a coworker works Sunday. He empties the queue at 5pm on Sunday and goes home. On monday he is off and four hours after he leaves a ticket comes into the queue.
On Monday morning my two team leads are panicking. Where did that ticket come from, why did no one work this? (I am working via an agency onsite with a huge international company and my teamleads are also via the agency. So it is a bunch of contractors getting orders.) I am being asked who was in on Sunday and I answer. Hm, did he not empty the queue? Oh yes he did, here is the screenshot. Where is this ticket coming from? Panic. An hour later the teamlead asks me to please work this ticket. at this point it is at 12 hours, so I still got 12 hours right? No problem, I will work it. So I finish something else and go to a meeting. I come back, bigger panic about this ticket. So I work the ticket with still 5 hours left on the clock and think all is good now. It was not big issue in the ticket, quickly solved, no problem.
Tuesday morning, before coffee or breakfast, teamlead asks me over for a second. Shows me an email to the leads of the actual company, trying to silencing them because all reasoning and explaining did not shut them up. So he put as last line that I am getting the first step of a disciplinary because of this issue.

Now my problem is this:
I am by far their best worker there. I am a senior, I deliver great quality, so yea I get they needed a scape goat to shut those people up and they chose me because nothing can happen to me. But the pure fact that a scape goat is needed for an issue where no one is at fault for anything. A minor thing that no one cares about and that had no impact whatsoever. I am not even working this queue and this language market usually. But someone had to be hung. This type of bullshit politics is my problem. I love my team lead, he is doing a great job and I am not mad at him.
But I know who is behind the whole drama, which exact manager and I know that this person will walk over everything and everybody in order to look good. And I hate such people. There must be someone to blame even if there isn’t even an issue, and of course it must be one of the contractors, give me a name, do something.
The fact that the also bullied my teamlead (who is also a friend) out just adds to the fact that I am now looking for a new job. Fuck this shit, if you take me for granted and I hear no thank you ever, and I get THIS in return, I am leaving. See what you do without me and fuck you very much.

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League of Legends stuff:
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I joined a somewhat competitive team on LoL now. So although I am solo q not ranked very high, I am actually playing with Platinum and Diamond people in a team. It is very fun and I am learning a lot. The team has coaches and a captain and a proper training plan for team and solo. As I don’t have as much time on my hand as most of my team mates, I actually had to make my own solo plan so I can keep up. So far it is working fine.

Also about LoL: I did the placement matches, winning 7 and losing 3 had me end up 2 divisions higher than last season but that doesn’t mean a lot because it is still Bronze. Bronze 1 yes, and I get a ton of LP when I win, then again, I just lost promo. You know, I feel so helpless in matches where I am doing well, winning my lane, roaming and helping out but my team starts arguing and that is how we lose. Look, I am not going to be upset about losing if everybody did their best. But if my team decides that chatting, blaming, flaming, and raging is suddenly more important than trying to win, I get upset. Especially in my promo series. I am always muting everybody but you know that they are chatting all the time when they stop randomly for no good reason all the time.

On the other hand, my coach and my actual team have helped me improve a lot lately. I am increasing my champion pool for ADC and support so recently I am concentrating on Graves a bit more but when I really want to win, I will still play Caitlyn. For Support I started practising Blitzcrank because no one expects him to be played much any more.

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Birthday stuff:
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So today I had my birthday and I am not a birthday person. I will be happy when actual friends say something nice but randomly at work, that’s not my thing. I prefer to be left alone to be honest.
But I guess ALL my co-workers really like me because this is what happened.
I come in and one of my co-workers sees me and is like “Oh, it’s your b…” and I am just “shhhh” so she respects this and everybody around me who noticed this also kept quiet.
Then team lead who was not around for this sees me and he is Spanish so for some reason (and I say this with a smile and wink) he is unable to talk quietly. Just the clichee, he is lovely though, great guy. He sees me and goes like this:
“OH LEEEELAAA IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, NO?” *starts singing loudly*
Usually there isn’t much happening when he does that to others or anybody does something like that to someone who has their birthday. He and maybe 3 or 4 people around will sing as well.
But in this case, the whole floor (about 50 people) tune in and sing loudly.
Kinda surprising and sweet but I just really don’t enjoy being the centre of attention so this was very awkward.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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When anxiety hits

Years back, when my depression was at its worst, I also started getting really bad anxiety.
As I healed, the anxiety got less and less until I forgot that this could happen to me at all.

The thing is, I can deal with stress pretty well.

  • If the money runs out, I can deal with it.
  • If bills start piling up, I can deal with it.
  • If there is no food in the house, I can deal with it.
  • If I too much responsibility is put on me at work, I can deal with it.
  • If I have a bad week, I can deal with it.

I can pretty much deal with everything by now. I am an almost unsinkable ship.

But, just like all those “unsinkable ships”, I have my weak spots too and one of those has been poked. It’s my own fault to be honest. My schedule is pretty full already and I deal with that fine because everything has it’s order and I can always know what is happening.

Now last week a friend of mine told me that a coworker is opening a restaurant and because I am good with image editing and such stuff, he told her to ask me about designing flyers and such things. And because I am a nice person, I said yes. It’s a hobby so why not make a few Euro by doing what you like, right?

Well, it needed to be done fast.
My schedule already had a lot of things on.
So after I said “yes” it took about an hour until a panic attack kicked in. And I had no clue why I was feeling like this. In my head I had put the designing stuff in open slots in my evenings. All nice and neat. But I guess I realized that the way I wanted to do it, wouldn’t work. I realized that I have other deadlines too, for other things, especially one of the more urgent ones.
I only realized that I had a major panic attack when staying at work for 10 minutes longer made me freak out completely and I had to leave the building now NOW!!!
On my way home, that evening, I was shaking and almost crying. Now I am not a person that cries easily but you know, anxiety is like that. Reason doesn’t work on it, your body just does stuff and you can’t stop it.
Throughout that evening my husband was very sweet and helped me through it a bit.

During the past week, the anxiety did not leave me ever. It was there every waking moment and I was unable to really shake it off. When it got worse, I started chewing gum (that’s to trick your brain into calming down) and I stopped drinking coffee.

Only now, as the designs are finished, corrected, have been paid for, and I have not heard from the girl in hours, I can assume that she is happy and that I don’t have to put any more evenings into that. Only now, I can say that my anxiety is as good as gone.

But anxiety that doesn’t stop is exhausting. I feel like I ran a marathon for the past 4 days straight.

I guess what I can learn from this is:
* Yes, it can still hit me.
* I needs to leave enough free time for myself.
* I have to learn, how to politely say “no”

Will be fine after having a nice and relaxing day tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Of weight loss and objectives

So I have been trying to lose weight for quite a while now. It worked really well last time. Within about half a year I had lost enough weight to go from an obese BMI to an overweight BMI and I was still on track towards normal weight when I moved back to Ireland.
Well what can I say. I love the food here and the fact that the supermarket is pretty much in front of my door adds to the fact that if I have a craving, I just have to fall out of my house and into the supermarket. In addition, I get free food and snacks and drinks at work. And that stuff is super tasty. They have a lot of very nice healthy options but I love carbs so since I started working there I gained all the weight back and let’s just add 2 kilos, why don’t you.

I still wanted to lose weight and I did make a few attempts but not a lot of success. I didn’t really have an objective, no purpose, nothing. I saw my body getting fatter, falling back into obese BMI and I wasn’t happy with that BUT my husband loves me and my body and although he doesn’t protest my weight loss goals, he isn’t bothered by my wobbly parts at all. I personally thought, “Hey, as long as I find clothes, things are fine!” and I didn’t want to have to resist all the nice things that I love so much. Little treats, all the fruit, a slice of pizza, some juice, etc. It’s too nice to say “No” to all of it.

Something changed now though.

I am 30.
Losing weight will only get more and more difficult the older I get. That’s just a fact.
I do want to get my happy weight back. That’s just a fact.
I don’t want to always check the biggest size in the shop. That’s just a fact.

These things were not enough for me to do it and stay on track with a weightloss regime.

This year in August, I will be at Gamescom again. I want to meet some people and I want to cosplay. I would like to make clear that no one has ever fat-shamed me. But I do want to be fit to walk around and party and just enjoy Gamescom to the fullest. I want to have enough energy left to go and explore Cologne in the evenings as well. I want to cosplay a character that shows some body and therefore my body really needs to shrink a bit.
Another thing is, completely away from Gamescom, I don’t enjoy sex anymore. My husband and I used to be very active in bed but the more weight I gained the less I wanted to. I don’t feel sexy at all. The nice lingerie that I have, right now looks ridiculous on me. I wanna fit in it again, feeling good in my body and in bed with my man.

So what now?

Last night I found myself checking out the ana diet plans that are out there. Yes, that is how desperate I was. And my mind was almost convinced to just do one of those to lose a lot of weight fast.
But there are lots of health issues with this and I don’t want to risk my health just to get thin.

Instead of an ana dietplan I decided to just eat less today and see if I am hungry. I wanted to see how much food I really need. I wanted to feel when my body said “give me more food” and then I wanted to list it all.
My initial idea was a food diary to just put in my head how much I actually eat in order to ask myself if I need all of it and to maybe identify faults. Faults like unhealthy snacks, too many carbs, etc.

So I sat down and listed all the food I ate today. I did this about two hours ago:

  • Joghurt
  • 1 bread roll
  • 1 slice ham
  • 1 medium salad
  • 1 treat
  • 2 coffee
  • 1 tea
  • 3 7up free
  • 1 Noodle pot
  • 2 mandarines

I saw my list and got curious how many calories that might be because I didn’t feel hungry and it didn’t look like a lot of calories. So I roughly added the calories. Not exact but rounding numbers from memory etc.

  • Joghurt – 100
  • 1 bread roll – 80
  • 1 slice ham – 20
  • 1 medium salad – 150
  • 1 treat – 60
  • 2 coffee – 100 (sugar and syrup and milk)
  • 1 tea – 20 (honey)
  • 3 7up free – 0
  • 1 Noodle pot – 440
  • 2 mandarines – 80

Now I was at 1050 consumed calories in a day not feeling hungry. I had fruits and vegetables and proteins and carbs. I had my very sweet coffee and even a treat.

So I started researching. I have a weight goal to lose 25 kilos by August and I wanted to see how many calories I can eat if I want to accomplish that.
I had a rough 1000 – 1500 a day in my mind because I know I lose weight when I do 1500 and even more when I do 1000.
I googled around a little and had found one calorie calculator that wouldn’t spit out the numbers I wanted to check. It had me on 1200 a day but losing 25 kilos would have taken me until October or so.
So I checked more detailed one where I could play around with the numbers a little.
This calculator listed my daily calorie allowance week by week. It told me my target weight per week (roughly -1 kg per week) and it also told me how many calories I should eat to keep the weight of that week. So basically, if I am happy with my weight before I am done, I will still know how much I can have to stay on that weight.

So when I was done, I copied that down because the numbers all look doable to me.
Now I checked back on the number I had written down earlier. 1050 ish calories. Sweet! I actually ate next week’s allowance today.

I decided I will try this plan that I just made for myself and see how far I get with it. If I lose weight with it and keep my goals and objectives in front of my eyes every day, I will totally do it.

Wish me luck!

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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New Year’s Resolutions

As every January, right now the horrible news from all over the world are just piling up on each other.
From hacker attacks to Suicides, from scam to terrorism, there are just no good news out there. Or if there are any good news out there, it is sure difficult to find them.

I don’t want to get on that wave right now. The bad news fill my day because of the job I do, so at least after work I am trying to get away from those things.

Instead, this post is going to be about New Year’s Resolutions. And if you are smiling or giggling right now, you have every right.

You know how everybody has all those completely unrealistic resolutions?
Loosing a ton of weight for example.
So for 3 weeks the gyms are packed and then people stop going for the goals they set.
I was told of a gym that actually has the “New year’s offer” where they sell you a 3 month membership for the same prize that a normal year would usually cost. Smart business move if you ask me.

The things that might be New Year’s Resolutions for other people, for me they are reminders of goals I want to reach anyway. Stuff I’ve been working on and I remind myself to keep working on those things.

This year I have a to do list though:

  • Finally do my taxes
  • Get my broken tooth fixed
  • Find a permanent job as opposed to the temp jobs I have done for a while now
  • Finish one of the books I started writing
  • Finish writing the RPG (pen&paper) before February
  • Run the RPG successfully at Leprecon
  • Get back in touch with my good friends and stay in touch
  • Help my husband to learn another language and find a job (he finally is in a language course. so much better chances to find a job if you know languages)

Wish me luck :D

 
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Posted by on January 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Leelah is dead!

A lot of you might have heard about the transgender girl Leelah who recently commited suicide.

Well, as you might have guessed, this did hit me quite hard. And because I felt, and still feel, so strongly, I didn’t just want to jump in and make an angry post about injustice and how bad religion is.

In my own way, I want to say a few words. After all, it is not only the name, that Leelah and I shared.
Although I never met her, and of course I don’t know her, I can understand quite well why she did what she did. I have been at that point myself and ultimately I am happy that I am still alive. I feel for her and am very sorry that she had to choose this road.

But looking at the one positive in this tragedy is the fact that FINALLY people are opening their eyes and there is no way to ignore this problem anymore.
“Helping” a transgender person by telling them that something is wrong with them and trying to pray it away is the worst thing you could do! And because Leelah was so clear in the final things that she had to tell the world, it cannot be ignored any longer. This is a great accomplishment.
As I said, I am very sorry that she had to die in order to open people’s eyes because sadly, before this, her voice was not loud enough.

It is a sad sad thing, and shows how broken our society is, when someone has to kill themselves to be listened to!

Things are confusing enough as a teenager. Add to that, that your gender does not match your sex, and not having anybody to talk to about it. It is a torture, it hurts, and when your own parents add to the bad feelings you have about yourself by making you go to a RELIGIOUS therapy where you are told that something is wrong with you and that you can pray it all away… I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. It had to be unbearably.

I was not a very fortunate child but in this matter, at least nobody told me that something was wrong with the very core of who I am.

I am lighting a candle for Leelah and hope that society will wake up – finally.

For the (religious) parents out there, that have transgender children:
You do love your child, don’t you?
Please try, for just a moment, concentrate on the pain and suffering your child is experiencing.
Please try to imagine yourself having a problem and instead of being told that your are being loved no matter what, you are being told that something is wrong with you.
And now imagine that you are being sent to a person you don’t know, whose world view you do not share, and who also tells you that something is wrong with you. This person now says that they will help you and starts playing the piccolo flute right next to your ear, the highest tunes you can imagine. You are not allowed to leave the room before the person is satisfied and things that they helped you.
Can you imagine how much more pain you are causing with what you do? “pray it away” and such things are not the right way to address your teenage child that is telling you something very personal and looking for comfort.

You are the parents! You have one job and one job only: Love your child unconditionally!

In the case of transgender people, it is not a problem they have.
You perceive it as a problem but in fact, the person was born that way.
They didn’t have a choice or do you think that people like to chose a life that causes them pain and trouble?
If you are religious, you should know that your deity made your child the way it is.
Your deity had a reason to do that so don’t you dare and question that choice.
If you think that your deity made a mistake, making your child the way it is, you might wanna reconsider your position on religion.
If your deity wanted to have your child suffer through life, it must be a horrible persona and is probably not worth being followed.

Please be good to your children, they are the future of humanity!

Hope and love,
Leela (without an h)

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear God

This is an open letter to the Facebook God in reaction to a recent post of his:
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Dear God,

I am writing this open letter to you here on my blog because I have more to say than what I feel fitting for a facebook comment.

Although most of the time I agree with your posts, this time I had a deep reaction.

This has many layers so I am trying to organize the points I want to address (I did not bother to read through the 1.3k comments on your post):

  • Comparing the Holocaust with what is happening now is not ok.
    Nobody is killing or hurting or hunting down anybody. In these marches, although done by absolute right and left wing extremists, they are what is considered free speech. They wand Muslims out. In Germany you can march for whatever you want to. As long as things aren’t getting violent and they “just” shout and march, things are ok.
  • “Dear Germany” is also not ok.
    It is not Germany that does the marches. There are two movements that do them: HoGeSa (Hooligans against Salafists) and PeGiDa (Patriotic Europeans against the Islamisation of the West). Those two and noone else is making A LOT of noise and sadly, because media is pushing and hyping it a lot, this is the only thing that is coming through to other countries right now.
  • The marches have been happening for at least a year in the UK already.
    I know that people may thing that the UK has more of a right to those marches because they have “valid concerns” but in reality, due to Germany’s history, people from muslim countries have been brought into the country for the past 30-ish years. And as welcoming as Germany has been, those people that were brought in, did not leave when they were supposed to and have been trying to push their belief systems into public life just as much as they are doing it now in the UK.

Apart from the points above, looking at reality a bit more:

  • In Germany Muslims have succeeded in taking part of German culture away. By now, christmas markets may not be called Christmas markets in many cities any longer because Muslims where the ones complaining that this cultural thing is disturbing their freedom of religion. Christmas markets have nothing to do with religion but now they have to be called “Holiday Markets”.
  • Muslims have been making a fuss about food for many years. The stuff you heard last year in the UK about subway not selling pork because of the pressing Muslim demand, it is just the tip of the iceberg. Go into Kindergartens and schools and you will find that the food, ordered for children, has been pork-less for a long time, because the Islamic belief system doesn’t allow to eat that.
  • Islam in general is behaving childish and people have to be allowed to state their opinion about it. Yes, in a civilized manner, so the marches are maybe a bit overkill, but they have to be allowed to say what they think about it. Otherwise we can go back in history and do the crusades but this time they will be muslimic crusades. Why? Because people will turn a blind eye and be nice and mature until it is too late. Every form of extremism should be stopped dead in it’s tracks.
  • Muslims have been welcomed with open arms in Germany for many years and because Germany learnt from history, they have been accommodated. Their believes have been respected from the beginning. But guess what happens if you are too welcoming? Look at the UK. Muslim nurses and Doctors being allowed to not wash their hands, Subway stopping to sell pork, Islamic “police” on the streets, Public beheadings in the UK. People in Germany see all this and they panic because they don’t see politicians reacting to what happens in the world and to prevent these things in Germany. Quite the contrary, in Germany, because politicians are so afraid to give the wrong impression (WW2 anyone?) to the world, they keep bending German culture to accommodate

I know, God, this is a very long letter, and you probably didn’t even click the link to it, when I sent it to you. I just feel this is something you should know.
In your post on facebook, you were generalizing and probably ignorant to a lot of facts, so I felt the need to address how deep the issue in Germany actually is.
I am sure that a lot of Germans don’t only agree with this, but they would probably add a few more things that I just left out in order to keep this post on track and relevant.
The “muslim issue” in Germany has a long history and a lot of different layers. Summarized you can say that everybody is scared right now. Those two groups are as scared as a whole lot more people but rather than talking it out, they decide to do marches and as long as they don’t get violent, I personally do not see why they should stop because all they do is express an opinion (yes, a radical one) and underline how scary Muslims actually are, even though they say it is a religion of peace.
Please, don’t tell a whole country to stop a behaviour that only two extremist groups are doing.

Thanks for reading.

Your follower,
Leela

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Poor Christmas

This Christmas we ran into a bit of money trouble. Basically some of my calculations went wrong and we ended up with 300€ less than I had calculated.
This meant that we went to the Christmas market but couldn’t afford to buy anything. It also meant that we couldn’t buy healthy food but only went for everything that is cheap. There weren’t a lot of presents either and no going out.

On Christmas evening I made some polenta and cheap meat. I also had some wine and sweets that I got for free. So I put it all on the table and made a picture. I wanted to post it on my facebook and make a stupid joke about it but my husband felt very embarrassed by it.

My husband also grew up poor and has been poor most of his life. But in his culture it is more important to look like you have money than to eat. Other people have to look at you and be impressed, everything else is unimportant. My husband still cares a lot about what people might think and it seems that it was important to him that we don’t look poor.

I guess what I wanna say is, it doesn’t matter what others think. You should always take the situation that you are in, and try to make the best of it. Don’t let the fact that you have no money ruin things for you. 

  • So what, you don’t have a big tree.
  • So what, you can’t afford to buy a gift for every friend.
  • So what, you can’t buy a new jacket or boots.
  • So what, you have to watch movies on Youtube instead of the cinema.
  • So what, you don’t have a big fat turkey in your oven.

What counts should not be what other people see in your Christmas but what you see in your Christmas. Don’t be salty, just try to enjoy – even if you sit in a cold flat because electricity is so damn expensive ;)


Here a few impressions of my own little bit of Christmas:

These first two were in a mall. I love all the lights and colours. 

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This next one is one of the trees at work:

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Here are some pictures of my decoration at home:

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And here is the Christmas meal and some cupcakes that I made:

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Posted by on December 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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