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Monthly Archives: March 2014

Home!

I am 30 but the demons of my childhood are still hunting me sometimes.
Especially today. I went to visit my “family” over the weekend.
It was the most horrible weekend I had in years.

These people have caused me so much misery through childhood and teenage years and still when I was over 20. They kept causing me misery until I started breaking contact with them because I was already in deep depression and they were just pushing me so much that I was about to kill myself because I couldn’t take it anymore.

My mom, who is the only one in my “family” who I can bear somehow, asked me to come for a visit for the past 5 years and now I ran out of excuses. I had to come. I made it as short as possible because I knew what would happen there.
I will bare you the details of how miserable my stay was. Just take it as it is. My family sucks so bad that they still cause me panic attacks although I am out of the country and in almost no contact with any of them.
My husband and I went to a few cool places in and around the city. All in one day. In the evening we met my “family”. Every single one of them a person I would not approach if I could chose and if they were strangers.
I got there a little later and everybody was already waiting. They were quietly sitting on the table. My mom, father, both brothers, one wife, and toddler.
I came. Hugs everywhere. Weird smiled. Then people started blaming each other for stuff. I ordered a drink for me and my man. People kept bullshitting each other. We ate. People kept being very awkward, trying to be nice and social because they all like me very much (I don’t think there is much love involved in this family).
I tried to stay out of all the blaming and bullshitting each other. Picked up on the (rare) nicer parts of conversation.

Once people started leaving, we went back to my mom’s house.
I still tried having a good conversation with her late into the night. But she was either telling me things about her bad health, or about her sick man, or about other depressing things. When I would say positive things, they were uglied away…
At 1am I said I need to go to bed now.

Slept, breakfast, ran to the train like a moron because she kept me so long that I almost missed the train to the airport.

When I sat in the train after this horrible weekend and after running so long (to the train) that my legs felt like they will fall off and my throat got so dry that it burnt and I felt like I will soon vomit my lungs out, after almost collapsing in front of the train because I couldn’t run another meter, I started thinking.
About half the train ride I was thinking that I do not want to come back ever again. I was thinking about the fact that I can’t call that country or even just that city my home, because I never had a real home back in the day and now as I visited I had no feeling of coming home unlike many people I know who go “home” for a weekend. I didn’t go “home” for a weekend, I went to <country> and visited “family”. I felt like an alien.

When I was done thinking I told my husband “Let’s not come back here anytime soon!” He agreed with me. We will not come back soon.

I live in Ireland now > The first place I was ever able to call “home”. And home is where the heart is. Home is where you want to stay. Ireland is my home and I hope that I will never have to leave!

Fuck, am I happy to be home!!

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Wrong in the head?

What? You go to a therapist?
What’s wrong with you?
Wow, really? You’ve been hospitalized because of problems with your brain?
Oh yea… I always knew that something wasn’t right in his head!

These and similar statements… Do you know them? Have you heard them? Have you maybe said something like that?

The nuthouse
The loony bin
The funny farmThe booby hatch
etc.

All these names for the place where all the “nutcases” go.

But have you ever tried to look at those people and see more than a “nutcase“?
Why the hate and hostility?Why call a sick person bad names?
Are you also a nutcase when you have a physical illness too?
Having a mental illness is just that > an illness.

People nowadays refuse to go for help because of the stigma that lays on them for having a mental problem.
“I can’t go to a shrink! I am not crazy!”Don’t call yourself crazy, please? Society does that for you already. Just try and keep your head up. Just a little longer.

Everybody who needs psychological help, has a reason for that. What made that person crazy to begin with? Did you ever think about that or is all you see that mask of craziness?
Our brains have some kind of tilt at some point. Things get too much. Traumata, stress, griefing, … At some point every brain will just snap. Just like that. And it can happen to you just like everybody else.

Do you know what will happen tomorrow? Are you sure you know?

People who seek professional help because they snapped, they don’t deserve to be called names. They are not nutcases or abnormal. You know what they are? They are very ill, and they are ill for a good reason.

Don’t judge. Everybody has history. No one is a blank page. Every new rip and fold in that page can push one closer to that point of no return, when they snap and you can’t help themselves anymore.

Don’t judge those “crazy people”!

Don’t judge!

If you consider yourself a friend of such a person. Just be there. Be available. Have an open ear and eye. Offer your help and don’t judge your friend.

If you see such a person on the street. Leave them be. Your weird looks and giggle, your finger pointing and head shaking are making things worse.

I want to quote Ellen DeGeneres here: “Be kind to one another!”

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Birthday Blues

I turned 30 today. Fuck, I am old.

While I am keeping my mind young, sometimes I feel really old.

I became that person that says these things:

  • The music in my childhood was so much better!
  • Oh my goooosh, people don’t educate their kids anymore!
  • Girls should wear more!

I hated people saying this kind of stuff when I was 15…

In addition, most of the newer technology, I really honestly take forever to understand it while 15 years ago you would put a new piece in my hand and 10 minutes later I’d know how it works.
I learn slower. Not slow. In fact I am a very very quick learner but compared to 15 years ago it’s embarrassing.
My body doesn’t look as hot as it used to anymore. While I always had the feeling that I don’t look good, for real I actually used to look pretty neat. That’s over now.

My hobbies are still very similar to 15 years ago though. I am not making music anymore but instead moved to gaming. I still like cooking and baking and writing.

Apart from all the looking back and comparing me with myself…

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday at all.
I do enjoy nice thoughts, a cake, a gift, yes. But I hate the whole “Let’s be together and jolly.” No!
What’s my problem?
For example at work:
I have a pretty wonderful place of work (no sarcasm, I really love my work and the people there). I don’t have a problem with anybody in particular but I am not close to many either. So being called for cake and then having to do small talk with a team of people I usually rarely talk.
They were actually very thoughtful, I must say.
Knowing that I am allergic to chocolate, they got me apple tart and cheese cake. One coworker drew me a Volibear on the birthday card because he knows I like to play League of Legends.
Also those who sit with me, they did some pretty nice decorations on my desk.

In general I don’t like being the center of attention, so having pictures taken of me, being social, smiling, laughing, …. just a bit much.
And that constant reminder “Hey, how old are you now?”
My answer “I am finally 18!”
Hey, at least they stopped asking.

Facts:
The Matrix came out when I was about 15
I was a fan of the Kelly Family and Backstreet Boys when I was 12.
I was 5 when the Berlin Wall fell.
The first time I remember seeing Michael Jackson > he was still black (kinda)
Owning a computer was not a common thing when I was a teenager.
I got my first mobile phone for my 14th birthday (it was huge and heavy)
I am the last generation of late hippies (my mom is a full-blown hippie).

Music:
I sing loud “I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby!!” by Wheatus and feel young, doing that.
I enjoy CCR and Barcley James Harvest

TV:
I grew up with X-Files.
I also grew up with Star Trek.
I used to love Star Wars and the new EP 1-3 are not being accepted by me.
When I was little, the cool stuff on TV was Smurfs, Ewoks, and Muppet Show.
The Teletubbies first aired in my country when I was 17.

Yep, I am old….

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Women’s day

The international woman’s day was yesterday.

I don’t really want to go into the whole political issue that I see with this day. I have very strong opinions > very un-feminist but very humanist opinions. Maybe I will write a post about it at another point.

What I want to write about is something different.

I feel very uncomfortable on days like woman’s day. Why?
You might have read my coming out story where I told you how I found out about being bi. I mentioned being gender queer but didn’t emphasize that fact much in that post. All I did there was explain my journey growing up, finding myself weird, and eventually finding out why I feel that way and that it is ok to be and feel the way I do.
Being gender queer but looking very female is a problem for me on a day such as woman’s day. I can’t just hide from people for a day. I have stuff to do and I need to leave the house / use my computer.
When men bring a present for their girlfriends or go out that day, I am happy for those couples. When people feel good about making their political statements on women’s issues that day > well good for them.

But when I find myself being treated differently just because I have breasts, that is weird to me. All year long I can just avoid the topic all together, but then suddenly I get a flower (why?) or a chocolate (why?) or someone opens the door for me (why?) or let’s me go first (why?) or or or.
The rest of the year, there is nothing special but suddenly…
While some women embrace the day because they feel special, I don’t. My problem is not the “getting things” part. It is more the “suddenly people treat me like something I am not” part. Not complaining about getting some cake or a free coffee or whatever. I like getting things just as much as I like giving things. It is really just this odd gender crisis I get that day.
Now my brain does not perceive itself as female. Neither as male, just saying.

If you are a man, reading this right now, just imagine that everybody treats you like a woman for a day. They are not making fun of you, they mean it, they want to be nice. But would you not be weirded out?

This is one of those tiny things, that make it a little odd to just be myself at times. When I am perceived as something that I am clearly not. But people can’t know that unless I tell them and I do not feel like walking around on a day like that and telling everybody “Oh you don’t need to, I am not a woman!” when all they see in me is exactly a woman. They will think I am crazy and that is not something I want. I am just as crazy or normal as everybody else.

Thanks for letting me vent, internet.

Oh btw, I spent woman’s day at a gaming con. Had a blast. Played in a LARP and ran a tabletop game. 7 of the best hours I had so far, this year.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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“Nothing created the universe!”

So I saw this video of a christian on youtube. He is trying to rationalize why his theistic belief is correct and why the lack of believe aka atheism is incorrect.In his ramblings he explains that atheists don’t live in reality and he also quotes something that many atheists say:

“Nothing created the universe!”

But what he does with the sentence is the probably most stupid thing I have ever heard a person say. Well no, but it is close to that level of stupid.

Let’s first think about what this sentence means when it is being said. If someone says it, they are trying to tell you that there is no scientific evidence for the universe having been created by any form of intelligence. Therefore no-one and no-thing > nothing > created the universe.

What the guy in the video does is explain this:
Nothing has no attributes because it is nothing.
A sentence stating that nothing did or didn’t do something is therefore incorrect and can be dismissed in a whole.
So what did he do there? He didn’t actually refute that sentence. What he did was typical apologetics and he also showed that he is not the most intelligent person on this planet, to put it mildly.

At all the theists out there. If you talk to an atheist, please try to substantiate whatever you say. And don’t do weird things like the above. It is not logic, it is apologetic and completely without any value for any conversation.

Thanks for ignoring this post

Here is the video I talk about:

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Home?

I left the country, I was born in, 5 years ago and I have not been back during those 5 years.
I left without a lot of planning. It was a quick decision and it was good that I made it because the moment I left that country my mental state started improving and by now I am pretty much back to normal, whatever one may consider to be normal.

My mom has been asking if I could come for a visit. She has been asking for a while now and there is no good reason anymore to not come for a visit. Now I have a job, I kinda settled down for now, and I have the cash.

So I bought plane tickets for my husband and me and we are going to visit soon.

I feel a little weird. I know many people who are away from home and they miss their families and they love it when they can return. I don’t.
What I mostly connect to that country is being miserable. Maybe it changed now that I am over pretty much everything and nothing forces me to stay there.
But still I feel very odd going there.
At first I thought about meeting up with my grandparents but I don’t think they deserve it.
Then I thought about meeting up with my father but I don’t think he is interested.
I thought about meeting up with both my brothers but I only really want to see one of them.
I will, of course, meet my mom and that is fine although I know it will be exhausting.
I will also meet at least one good friend.

What I planned is a lot for those two days.
I am going to show my husband a lot of things, we will certainly be occupied. The meet ups I hope can take place in the evening. We can probably just go to a cafe or a restaurant, this way it won’t be so rude if I wanna leave at some point.

It’s just this feeling … to go back to where everything bad is sleeping. Everything bad that ever happened to me and I am proud to have broken all the bonds that connected me to that country, apart from my nationality of course.
I am scared shitless that all my sanity will crumble there. I feel safer of course, because I have my husband, and he is great at reading my early signs and keeping me in a state. He won’t let me drown but still it will be exhausting I think. It is not like I really wanna go. I am pretty much going because my mom has been asking for such a long time…

My home is not there. My home is here. Right here, where I am now. I love this country, I love this city, I love this house, the job, the landlord, the few friends I have. This is my home, I feel good here, and safe, and not mentally handicapped.

Is it normal to be so scared by a place… By “your own country”… It’s not my country. I never felt like a national there.
I feel like one now, I feel like a national here where I am. And I want to change nationalities once the time comes. I just feel like this is my place and I want to stay.

Dunno, thoughts circling in my head.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Thinking

I have those days when I think.

Yes, ok, I think on a daily basis. Just like everyboy.

But you know those days, when there is something that just doesn’t go away, you just have to keep thinking about it. And usually it doesn’t matter if you can change things by thinking or you can’t, your thoughts will just circle at some point.

That’s what I am talking about.
During my very very depressed phase, this was my life. Circling thoughts were pretty much ruling my day. I was unable to do anything because it was so exhausting to think and think and think and never get a rest or at least a little break.
During that time I didn’t sleep well. Most of the time I had an hour or two per night. It just played into the whole state of being overly exhausted.
I actually ended up losing my job because I was not able to do it well anymore.

Well the same thoughts that used to keep me up at nights and that circled through my head unsolved and unresolved, are the once that tiring me right now, today March 2nd 2014.
The good thing is, that I don’t tend to slip into deep depression anymore.

I can’t even remember what triggered my thinking today but I am super exhausted.

What am I thinking about…

Mainly my childhood and how I grew up and all the things that happened to me. I am thinking about the different things that traumatized me and how difficult it was for me to get out of my depression which was caused by post traumatic stress disorder.
You know what happens if a lot of bad stuff happens to you and you keep pushing it away for years on end?
In the end you will collapse under all of it.
I used to say that enough shit happened to me fill two or three lives with it and up to this day I stand to this statement.
When I was 22 years old everything just started coming back. All the shit that I had pushed away to keep functioning inside the family and in society and at work and with friends etc. My well formed layer of protection just crumbled away and everything fell on me all at once. I was completely unprepared for it and I remember that on that day I went to work and I just collapsed. I just started crying and I couldn’t stop. My boss sent me to the doctor, my doctor sent me to the psycho-somatic emergency, that place wanted to keep me immediately. It cost me my last reserves to make the doctor believe me that I will not kill myself if she lets me go.
As you figured correctly, I am still alive. But that doesn’t mean that things weren’t that bad.
I had to go to a day clinic every day and spend 8 hours there for therapies.
None of the therapies helped me but what did help was all the free time I had, not having to work.
I was finally able to work through my life and just make peace with everything that happened.
All the problems caused by poverty, abuse, bullying, inconsistency, broken family, hopelessness, and so on. I read up on trauma and depression and therapeutic ways of working through everything. I tried therapy but it didn’t help because I didn’t want to talk face to face about what my problems were.
I found help on the internet. Forums and chat rooms for people like me helped a lot. Writing also helped me a lot. The amount of letters and poems and blogs and forum entries I wrote were so important. I am not a good talker but I am a good writer. Writing things down were my way to vent and to work though things. Letting people read it and reading the feedback also helped a lot. Also meditation were a great tool for me. Certain meditation techniques helped me to finally calm my mind down to a level were I could think and get to a solution.
I remember that during the whole time between my crash and the start of my self-healing process, I was always just an inch away from suicide. I never told a soul that I was planning it. People did notice that I had changed though. I lost weight because I stopped eating, I looked weak because I exhausted my body so much that my asthma kicked in very bad and I refused to use my inhaler, I would physically hurt myself in different ways, from burning myself with hot water to cutting.
I was a mess but somehow I got out of it after a few years.
Yes, this self-healing process took many years. To be honest from the point when I crashed under all of “the shit” it must have taken five to six years to get back on my feet.
I met my husband during that time and he had A LOT to do with me healing and becoming a person again.

This is what I am thinking today. I am thinking about more details though. About certain things that happened. I am going through whys and hows and ifs. I know nothing can change the past but the past just sometimes comes back and tells you “Hi look, I am part of you, I am not going away.” It kinda burns when that happens and it is very exhausting and I just wanna go back to bed and sleep 24 hours. But then I tell myself that yes, this is me. Without my past I wouldn’t be who I am today. And then I look at where I am standing now in my life, and things suddenly look so much nicer.

I am here, I breath, I love, I live.
I have a husband, a job I like, food on the table.
I even made it to being overweight, something that was unthinkable but now I have enough money to eat what I want and when I want. I love food so much. I don’t even really really care if I am overweight or not. I try to not cross the 100 Kilo marker and that is it for me. I am fit and happy and I eat whatever the fuck I want haha.
I love my husband, I love the fact that sometimes we can afford something nice.
End of March we are traveling for a long weekend and I am looking forward to it. I am also a little scared because I will face part of my past at that point but the fact that I can afford nice things sometimes makes it worthwhile.
I have hope and a future and 30 – 40 years of life ahead of me.
What will they bring? Will I live for the next big scientific breakthrough? Will the zombie apocalypse happen? Will I have a child or two? Will I stay in Ireland or move somewhere else again?
Live is great!

But today I am thinking.

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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