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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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More than two genders is not complicated

I had a conversation with my husband this weekend. A long one. It was about the transgender community. He had a lot of questions and I answered. What I found during the conversation was the fact that a lot of words are being used wrongly because of a lack of education.

Sexuality, Gender identity, and such things are usually taboo topics and therefore people find them weird, no one educates about it, and what follows is a lot of confusion and misunderstandings.

This is why I felt like I should explain a few very simple things.

Some words:

  • Sex: Refers to which type of genital you were born. Penis=Male, Vagina=Female
  • Gender: Refers to what Sex you identify if you even identify with a sex. This can be different from the sex you were born with.
  • Homosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the own sex.
  • Bisexual: Sex is not important when it comes to romantic/sexual encounters.
  • Gay: Male+Male preference
  • Lesbian: Female+Female preference
  • Heterosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the opposite sex.
  • Asexual: Not identifying with a certain gender. Often refers to people who have no sexual urges.
  • Transgender: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with, therefore you changed it or want to change it or are in the process.
  • Gender queer: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with.
  • Tranny:  Another word for Transgender
  • Cross dresser: A person that dresses as the opposite sex (clichee) but gender identity matches the sex they were born with.
  • Transition: A person in the progress of matching their body to the gender they identify as.
  • MtF: Male to Female
  • FtM: Female to Male

Other things:

  • “It’s just a phase”: How you identify yourself and your romantic life is not a phase > It is who you are, your identity.
  • The bible says, it’s an abomination: No one needs to accept the bible as truth, especially considering the age of the book and how much got lost in translation already.
  • Everybody is Bi-sexual: Being able to appreciate that someone of the same sex can look good does not make one a bi-sexual. There are a lot of ways to feel romantically towards other people. Bisexuality is one of those ways.
  • Homesexuality can be healed: Homosexuality is not an illness. People are born that way. They didn’t “catch it” somewhere, it’s not spreading.
  • Only Male+Female is natural: Actually no. It has been proven over and over again that in the animal kingdom (and the human is part of that) all kinds of sexual and family bonds exist. This includes homosexuality (swans, guinea pigs, cats, …), monogamy (swans), polygamy (certain types of apes, lions, dogs, wolves, cats,…), and more.

My account:

Being bisexual is as normal for me as any other type of romantic/sexual feeling is for other people. My husband is straight and he never ever felt anything more than plain friendship towards men. But I always had a strong preference towards females. Liking males at the same time made things confusing for me in this society and at that time but I couldn’t change it. It was normal for me to feel that way.
I heard at some point that people like to think that bisexuals just can’t make a choice.
That’s not true and I am living proof of that. As much as I love women, I live in a straight relationship. I love my husband. I am true to him. I wouldn’t even dream of cheating, even with a girl. I am very open about this so he always knows. I am not jealous and he isn’t either.
In addition to being bisexual I am gender queer.
I was born in a female body and I like my private parts 😉 BUT I do not identify as a woman.
I have some female traits.
I like bags a lot, I love cooking and baking, I am a very creative writer.
But apart from that, I am more guy.
I love camping, knifes, survival shows, comfortable clothes, fit bums, working on my bike, and esports. I don’t use makeup or nailpolish, I am not spending an hour in the bathroom to “get ready”, I don’t own a lot of clothes, and I don’t have to fill every quiet minute with random babbling.
This part of me makes my husband very happy because we can do stuff together he would normally need a guy-friend for. We can sit on the beach and check out women. We even watch similar types of porn. We can work on the bikes or just sit down for  a drink without saying a word.

Me being this way was not a choice or a phase.
This is me and I like to be seen as just me, not as a category that one needs to be disgusted about.
I have been this way all my life.
Once I understood that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, all the annoying things that minorities encounter stopped for me. No laughing or giggling, no stupid questions, no defending my lifestyle, no bullying, nothing.
I am not making a secret of who I am but I am also not making it conversation topic number one whenever I can.
It’s my own private life and I can share it if I feel safe with a person.
In reality apart from my husband (and you, the reader, as an anonymous crowd) I haven’t fully come out to a lot of people. Not even my own mom.
I think there are 4 or 5 people I completely came out to. I am happy with that. These people are very important for me and they are all great.

 

I hope this post helps those who seek for a few simple explanations. If you have any questions, please let me know in the comments.

Cheers

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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