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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Selfharm and Depression

self-harm-cycle

At my current place of employment, a big website, I mainly work on things that get reported by the user. There are different filters in place so you can always work a certain type of report.
One of those is for everything self-harm and depression related. That’s a good thing because that way I can give special attention to people who actually need real help.
The problem here is that the majority of cases I check are 12 year old girls who think that cutting themselves is an acceptable form of “dealing” with the normal issues of growing up and being a teenager.
Anybody remember “cut for bieber”? There are lots of incentives like that.
The fact that parents aren’t there for there kids as much as they should be any-more because of all the distractions of life, doesn’t help. When a child has a problem, the first place for them to turn to should be the family or friends.
When the family is more interested in Facebook, Twitter, and Netflix, then there is a big problem.
When the friends are so lose friends that you cannot really talk to them about your worries and troubles, at some point you sit there and have no idea how to deal.
I do understand that growing up is a bitch! I grew up too. Everything changes. Your body, your thinking, your environment. Your interest in relationships starts, you have to get more and more ready for adulthood. Nowadays the internet plays a huge role in our lives. So bullying attacks as well as self-promotion on the net are a big part of the lives of kids nowadays. Then comes school being more and more pressuring. It all mounts up to something that current adults did not have to deal with when they were teenagers.
So yes, I actually understand what kids are going through.

The problem comes in when I have to treat “real self-harm” and “kiddie self-harm” equally when they are not equal.
Let’s take cutting because it is the most known form of self-harm:
I see a lot of arms that are full of little cuts, not too deep but visible. Kids like to make a photo and post it wherever they get attention. I get it, you need your problems addressed, but cutting into your skin is not the way to do that. What people will react to is the fact that the skin is cut and not why it has been done.
But the other type I see, are the real cuts. The ones that stem from a soul that has been deeply hurt and the only way to silence this psychological pain is to inflict physical pain to overwrite what is happening in the mind. It is to shut up the voices and to stop the thoughts. Even if it is only for 2 minutes of piece, it will be done. Those cuts are very deep, they need medical attention and stitches.

Somehow cutting your skin and saying you are depressed has become a very accepted form of dealing with the problems of life and me being a former self-harmer and highly depressed person find it appalling to see how “I am cutting but I don’t want attention” is just fine and dandy.

Before I met my husband, I cannot remember a time when I was not depressed. I grew up with deep depression and I had enough good reasons for it. There were more and more very valid reasons added throughout the years until at some point, the depression became so unbearable that I had to find ways to free my mind even if it was only for seconds. I became quite good in finding new ways to shut my brain up for a little.

<removed a paragraph>
Originally I had a very descriptive paragraph here where I described the things I used to do in order to stop my brain. In order to stop circular thoughts that kept me awake. In order to turn off memories that I did not want to remember. In order to just have my damn mind shut up for just a minute.
I removed this list because I don’t want to give the kids ideas.
I did a lot of things that were very harmful for my health and those things helped short term but they did not help long term.

At some point I broke down in tears in front of my boss because I was unable to deal any longer and I was sent to the doctor. My GP sent me straight to the psychosomatic clinic to be checked there.
The doctor there had me fill out a questionnaire and after talking to me, she was determined to put me on the closed psych-ward because I was suicidal at that point. I agreed to go to the day clinic instead.

I actually took the help that was offered to me instead of laughing it off and saying that no one will stop me from doing what I did. I did not WANT to harm myself and the second someone offered to help me I was there ready to heal and ready to learn dealing with my problems in a healthy way.
Once I had worked out my traumata, the self-harm stopped as well. It is all connected. Nowadays I am not the happiest person alive but I know how to deal with my problems, with memories I don’t want to have, and with everything in-between. I still have the tendency to get depressed, simply because my brain is wired that way, after all I grew up depressed and my brain adjusted physically. But the good thing is, I learnt to identify when I am getting there and I can stop it.

If you do have troubles other than the normal stuff about growing up, you should seek professional help instead of jumping into this trend of “I am cutting because Tim broke up with me”.
As I said, I know growing up is a bitch. Puberty is a bitch, School is very stressful. The other kids are mean. First love and first breakup are really shitty. The body and mind changing is scary. Knowing that you have to prepare for being an adult is scary.
All of this is normal and what you need is > talk to your parents, a trusted teacher, a good friend.
When I had no one to talk to, I found people on the internet who, on the long run, turned out to be very good real friends and I talked to them.

Here another tip: A good friend is not defined by “we can cry together”. A good friend listens to your problems without judging you and without telling you what to do. A good friend is just there for you if you need them.

At all the parents: Shame on you if you are unavailable for you kids. Don’t be surprised when they start doing stupid things if you never taught them any better! Do you think that your kids will be able to function in live if you miss educating them during the most important years of their lives? Shame on you!

This is for the ones who need to talk but have no one:
I am offering my ear/eye and a virtual hug, if you need someone to talk to and you have no one else. If you need someone, you can always comment or send me a mail to clos3rlook at gmail dot com 
I promise I will read it and if you want, I will answer as well. Just don’t do something that hurts your body in order to deal with your mental pain.

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Battling depression

A friend of mine was just talking to me. It was about depression and how a friend of his doesn’t want to get professional help.

Having been depressed for the vast majority of my life I can give a few thoughts here.

Getting professional help is scary:

  • It makes it official that you have a problem.
  • It puts a permanent mark in your file with health officials.
  • It labels you as a “crazy person”
  • You might not be the person that talks to strangers.
  • It looks weak.
  • It feels strange.
  • It is very exhausting to talk through your problems.

Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of great strength to address and fix your mental problems.

For me personally it was quite a journey. I went to therapy for a while but it didn’t help me at all. I am the type of person that wants to fix their problems themselves. I am not happy to sit in a room with a stranger and tell them my story and have them tell me stuff like “you know, you can’t change it anymore, it’s in the past.” blabla roll eyes. Right? I get that feeling. I knew the things the therapist said to me back then. I went through that phase of “I can’t change the past” long before I went to therapy.

What helped me was time, meditation, and writing. Those were my main factors in healing. And how long did it take? Well about 6 years. Yes. It took about 6 years for me, to fix my issues, to get back on track. The 12 years of depression before that could of course not be fixed over night. I had good reasons to be depressed and it just took time. But:

the things I recommend for people who do not want to go to therapy:

  • Practice to focus on one thing and one thing alone. Learn to turn everything else off in your mind and to focus on one thing.
  • Meditation. It’s probably the advanced way of focusing. With the right meditation techniques you can work on a lot of your problems.
  • Writing helps to release things that you want to say but you have no one you could say it to. You can even delete it when you feel better.
  • Writing letters. If you have been hurt or a person has caused you deep pain or trauma, it helps to write them a letter that you will never send. Just write it, and let it all out.
  • Hobbies help as well. For me it was music. Other people might have different hobbies, just do what you like to proof to yourself that there are enjoyable things on this planet.
  • Talk to people. Even if it is not face to face. Maybe you find a forum or an internet friend. Getting some feedback helps to put things into perspective and to see things from a different angle.

These things above helped me greatly and, without trying to sound dramatic, saved my live. Try it.

If you have no one to talk to, and you really need someone to listen or read your story, as part of your healing process / If you simply want to exchange etc, feel free to send me a message. I will read, I will not judge, and I will answer! clos3rlook<at>gmail<dot>com

Be well and love yourself. Live is so much more!

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Just smile!

Recently I saw a video of a guy I am subscribed to on youtube. He usually makes something gaming related but he also vlogs from time to time. Over all great guy and very funny. I was very surprised when he made a very serious vlog about depression. I was surprised because it is very difficult to make other people understand how it feels and that it is nothing against them.

I don’t want to rephrase what he said, I would rather add some stuff.

When people try to help, they really mean well. The problem is the approach. A lot of times they will say things like:

  • Just smile!
  • Just do something fun!
  • Just go out with me!
  • Just do something you like!

Yes, for you it might sound like a “just this”. In reality you can’t feel happiness. When you are depressed, the feeling of happiness is nowhere to be found. You stare at your favourite book, at the instrument that you usually enjoy playing, at the whatever your hobby is, and you feel nothing but sadness. You can’t do something fun because nothing is fun. You can’t go out because you feel too weak. You can’t do something you like because you like nothing.

Someone who is clinically depressed (meaning that a doctor diagnosed you) can’t just simply snap out of it. It feels like there is no colour in the world. Everything is just grey and black. Everybody else seems to be happy. No matter what effort you make, you can’t be happy like them. This depresses you more. You question yourself and every bad choice you ever made. You, unconsciously, block out everything that you have ever done right and if you don’t block it out you know that it was not your own effort (even if that’s not true). Things that usually make you smile are now not interesting. Food doesn’t taste good and you don’t have an appetite anyways. You forget to eat or you use the feeling of hunger to prove to yourself that you are still alive and that you can still feel *something*. You try to force your body to feel things because your have no emotions. You don’t care about hygiene and order anymore. You stink and your place looks like a trash depot. Nothing is interesting and all your problems seem impossible to solve. You are forgetful and tired and people get annoyed at you for it. In return you hate yourself even more.

It is not a choice to feel depressed and it is not simply being sad.

Simply said, if you are depressed, there is nothing that can lift your spirits.

I was depressed for the majority of my life (20 years) and just recently (about two years ago) found ways to detect when I am slipping and to do something against it. Why not earlier? Therapy doesn’t work on me so I needed to work everything out on my own. I had to find my own techniques and I had to study myself a lot.
The first step of this was realizing that depressed is not a state that I want to keep. I didn’t know that I was depressed. I knew I didn’t like how I felt and that not everybody felt that way but I did not know that this can be changed.

If you care deeply about someone who is sincerely depressed:
Try not to force anything on them. Just be available and make clear that you are available. Be there physically. Bring a cake or a book. Offer to listen, to talk, or just to be company. Don’t say “I know what you feel” because it is likely you don’t. Don’t feel sorry for them, just be there. Being there is usually the only thing that you can do. If it is not possible to be there in person, send them a text, call them. Anything, just make yourself available.

If you are depressed:
I know how difficult it is to open up even to your best friend. Just let them be with you, it’s for your own good. Make sure you have someone to talk. And if you don’t feel like talking about the cause of your depression, talk about something else. Or just sit there in silence and know that someone is there for you. Don’t be alone in this difficult time, you need someone by your side, even if you are telling yourself that you are strong and you can do it alone. It’s not about being strong or weak. You feel this way and it can go away but you need to be the one working on it to go away.

If you need to talk and you have no one to talk to, you can do one of the following:

  1. Call a help line, for example:
    * AwarenessHelpline in Ireland 1890 303 302
    * Breathing Space in Scotland 0800 83 85 87
    * Childline in the UK 0800 1111
    * Get connected in the UK (young people / free) 0808 808 4994
  2. Get in touch with me:
    If you don’t like to call somewhere, you may send me a message and I will offer you an open and non-judgmental ear.
    * Comment here and mention your mail address (I will not publish that comment but simply write back to the mail address you provided)
    * Send me a message to clos3rlook <at> gmail <dot> com
    If you don’t know what to write, in case you decide to send a message my way, don’t sweat it. A simple “hi” is a great conversation starter 😉 I won’t force you to say anything.

Here is the video I was talking about in the beginning:

 

 
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Posted by on August 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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“You have come a long way”

“You have come a long way”

That’s what my husband said to me the other night.
We were having a conversation about a good friend who is having a little rough patch in his relationship. He was telling me some things and in the end I told him how it’s all a normal part of a relationship. I mentioned how my husband and I tend to fight over stupid little things sometimes or how we sometimes fight so much that we both go into complete shutdown. And nevertheless we are having a great relationship and love each other. Rough patches are a part of the package.

My husband got a bit quiet and then he said “You have come a long way” to me. And I think he is right.

When we met I was in a bad place. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I had met him online and moved in with him after only meeting him once. I left my country, carrying a package of problems and debts on my shoulders. Moved in with him, not knowing the language, not knowing if he is a crazy psychopath. I was unable to deal with negative things (trauma) so I got scared and cried every time he would just so much as speak in a serious tone (not even raise his voice).

And where am I now?

I see a future, I care about myself and my husband. I have plans and enjoy live and love. I am over all the bad things. I learned to deal with negative things and I am improving my social and emotional skills. It’s all on an upwards spiral if you like.

And you know what? It feels fucking great.

The things I learned since I met my husband:

  • I am entitled to an opinion
  • It is ok to be wrong sometimes
  • Having emotions is ok
  • Showing emotions is ok
  • Talking about problems is ok
  • Mistakes are ok if you learn from them
  • It is impossible to please everybody
  • Asking questions is good

I still need to work on a lot of things, because I simply never learned some of the things that come easy to other people. Small talk, smiling, dealing with new situations, dealing with new people, and much more but: Indeed, I have come a long way.

Being self-confident is really a great feeling. Try it for yourself 🙂

 
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Posted by on June 28, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Suicide

** TRIGGER WARNING **
IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED-SUICIDAL PLEASE SKIP TO THE END OF THIS POST TO FIND HELP LINES THAT YOU CAN CALL 24/7.

With this header you might think that this is going to be a very difficult post.
Suicide as a topic has this heavy, burden-like feeling to it.
It is somewhat of a taboo topic. You just don’t talk about it, you don’t want to think about it.
It’s a sin in some religions to commit suicide.
People who do not follow a religion or any kind of belief system tend to find it too upsetting anyway.

Just try to ignore it away because it never has anything to do with oneself until it does.

I personally avoid having taboo topics. So let’s get into this a bit more:

I first thought about death when I was maybe 10 years old.
I didn’t even have a reason, it just came into my mind that one day my mom is going to be old and that old people die.
I asked my mom how it is to be dead and what comes after death.
She didn’t know, and she didn’t try to indoctrinate me too much with heaven-talk. She told me it would be like going to sleep but never waking up again.
Well, tell that to a child. Children hate sleeping. It’s worse than being grounded, right?
So yes, my first reaction was to  be scared of death and I stayed scared of it for a long time.

Heads up, by now I am not scared of death anymore – at all.

Around the age when I asked my mom was when I became depressed. And I stayed depressed for almost all my live up until about two years ago. You know, you don’t just heal the depression. It is a blurry time when you get better.
Anyway, during that time I became quite suicidal.
Being suicidal never meant trying to kill myself constantly because that is usually not what it means at all.
I was suicidal for many years but I really tried to kill myself only once. And you see, I am still alive and I am fine. Understand that for me it seemed like the only way to solve my problems. That’s because I was so depressed that I saw no other way anymore. I thought I had exhausted every other way of solving my problems. In the end I found a way and now I quite enjoy living.

But not only suicidal people commit suicide.
There is this other type of suicide that I will call reasonable.
Have you ever thought about how and where your life is going to end?
When I was at that point I started researching what other people thought, what they did. I actually read a book on suicide methods. I watched documentaries and vlogs and read a lot. Until my hunger for knowledge was gone.
Some of the most important things I learnt while researching this:

  • People commit suicide for very valid reasons (e.g. terminal illness)
  • Some people are old and they don’t want to live anymore. They feel they lived and saw what they always wanted and they feel that it is time to go.
  • There are places (on in Switzerland) that offer legally assisted suicide and they perform in a very warm and loving way which includes family / friends.
  • There are books that explain suicide methods.
  • Suicide does not have to be ugly, cold, selfish, or disgraceful.
  • Suicide does not have to hurt either.
  • Some friends and family of people who commited “pre meditated suicide” told the story, and it was not heart breaking.

I know that you might not agree with me but I strongly feel that assisted suicide should be legal everywhere.
It is legal in some places and it’s not like suicide rates in those places are any different than in other countries as far as I know (tell me if I’m wrong though).
People do it no matter what. The difference is just: Will it be ugly or not?
If a person decides that they would like to end their life in a way, at a time, and at a date of their choosing, they should be granted this.
Can it be misused? Hell yes! But everything is being misused nowadays. The whole medical system is full of bad decisions.
Make it a process where the person has to be cleared by a trained doctor and where they will be repeatedly asked if they are sure that they want to do it up to the second before they do it.
But, I understand that our society is maybe not ready for a big step like this. People don’t want to accept that nothing needs to be wrong with you, if you wish to commit suicide. People don’t yet understand that it can be a very warm and loving experience for the family.
People’s thoughts usually stop at the bad news headlines and with this cold shudder on there shoulders, when there is so much more.
I know I am repeating myself at this point but I gotta say it one more time:
It does not have to be ugly and cold.

But just to clear this up.
I feel very much alive right now. I love living, I have many things I want to see and experience. I love being here and I plan on staying on this planet for many years to come.

Now, as always, when I post something like this, a few last things:

  1. Suicide shall never be your first choice or first thought to solve any of your problems.
  2. If you are depressed, please call a help phone. They are usually for free and you can talk to trained and lovely people there. They have resources for you.
  3. If you are suicidal and you really want to do it, please consider calling a suicide line. They are also for free and are also staffed with trained people. Do never – I say again NEVER – feel ashamed to call out for help! These people are there just for you, they are waiting for you to call, so do it. They know how to help you.

Numbers and contact details for suicidal people:

Ireland:
http://www.1life.ie/
Phone: 1800 247 100 (free phone)
SMS: Text “Help” to 51444 (standard rate)

US:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Phone: 1 800 273 8255 (free phone)

Germany:
For adults: 0800 1110111 (free phone)
For children and teenagers: 0800 1110333 (free phone)

 
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Posted by on May 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Mother?

I feel well equipped to become a mother to a child.

All my life I have been a mother. I have been a mother without choosing to be one. It has been pinned on me. I was my own mother for most my life. And once I was old enough, I  mothered my mother, who never mothered me.

Some explanation:

My mom is a hippie. Now for many people that might sound like something very nice. It sounds like freedom and open minds, like creativity, Woodstock, and colourfull clothes.
Growing up with a hippie for a mother though has too many downsides.
One of the downsides in my case was having to mother my mother instead of enjoying my childhood and just being a kid.

Starting at about 10 years old I had to take care of her more than she did about me a lot of times. Financially we were way under the poverty line. So I guess that her money troubles were so important that she forgot how to be a mother at that point. Instead of checking my homework, making me do chores, and teaching me about life, she told me about money troubles, her stalker, her depressing past, and her suicidal thoughts.
She was there, she loved me, no doubt about that. But she did not know how to be a mother. She tried, but sadly she failed.

The good thing, I must say, is the fact that I turned out to be a very self dependent person. I usually don’t need anybody to do anything for me, I will sort stuff out. I am great at organizing things quickly and efficiently. I am great at helping friends when they have a problem, no matter what problem that is. I know where to go and what to look for in most problem situations.

After all, I did this all my life. I sorted all my school troubles without having my mother involved because she refused to get involved in anything. I made sure that stuff gets done at home. When my brothers were at home I made sure they were somewhat under control. I would put the blanket on my mom when she fell asleep. I would clean the flat when needed. I would help with the shopping.
Every time I had a side job I put two thirds of my money into the household. When I got my first full time job I still put two thirds into the household instead of saving up to move out because my mom had no cash to keep the household going without that. Once I moved out I still kept buying groceries for my mother because she could not afford it. And once I couldn’t afford it anymore either, I was still available as the mental safety net that my mother needed. She told me her sorrows and I caught them and I gave her advice. And every time she followed my advice, things would improve for her.
But she is somewhat comfortable in her misery so she would always find something else that is bad and that burdened her and that, in turn, had to burden me because I had to listen and give advice again. This went on for many years.
In the mean time I got very very sick, mentally. I needed help but my mother was unable to help because I was her help, I could not tell her that things are too much for me now. I was 22 at that point.

Let’s skip a few years.
I am 30 now. My depression is gone. I worked hard to get my sanity back and some things are still a bit difficult but I am working on it and my husband is a great help.
Recently I had this trip back (see my post about home) and it was horrible. It put me back in this horrible state of mind. I was so dependent on my husband to be there and to keep me sane, it is difficult to put that in words. Starting on day one, I got this weird headache that did not go away until we left the country again. Also the day we met my whole family I was so moody (for no apparent reason) and my hands were shaking so bad.
Being around my mom and the rest of the family is not a healthy thing for me obviously.

Now my mother and I are still in contact via Facebook but the problem is that even with about 2000 km between us, I am still her “mental trash bin”. Every time she gets in touch with me, she will tell me how life is bad, how her health is spiraling downwards, how this and that. I used to try and help with all that stuff. I explained to her how to fix her health, to take her medication properly and what will happen if she does not. I told her that she needs to eat (she is diabetic) I told her about her other medications, what those do and why they are important for her life. I found numbers / email addresses / contact centers for all her worries and problems. I even got her in touch with people that she needed to get in touch with. Nothing helped. She says she wants to fix things but even when all the solutions are being handed to her on a silver plate, she will not take them.
Instead she keeps complaining and she keeps expressing her suicidal thoughts to me instead of her therapists (yes, she has one but of course she isn’t going although she doesn’t even have to pay that).

Recently I had a revelation.
I am sick of being my mother’s mother. I need a motherly shoulder to lean on sometimes, why can’t I have one?
I cannot keep doing this. If she really feels she wants to die, then that is her decision to make. She has scared me with this for too many years, I don’t have the energy to spare anymore. I can’t keep investing all this time and energy if she doesn’t appreciate it. She once told me (I was 14) that if I wasn’t there for her she would kill herself. And now she did not sugarcoat that, she said it like that. I am sorry, but that’s a bit too much. I can’t enable her like that any longer.
They say that you can’t help a person that doesn’t want to be helped.
It’s true, you know.

I may sound cold here, but I can’t see her as my mother. Indeed I see her as a dear friend. Not even a best friend because my best friends don’t just take from me, they give back.

My Andrew recently said something very sweet to me and I think it is very true and important. He said something along the lines of (sorry can’t remember the exact wording)
“I would like to be your mother. I mean be there if you need me.”
He is actually one of the few people who are there if I need them. I summed them up on the sub-site “family”.

Apart from all of this:

I actually feel ready to become a mother to a child at this point. I would love to have a little one and have it grow up to be a great person. I would love to do that. A little baby-leela that will get the care and safe feeling that I never had 🙂 Let’s see when that is happening 🙂

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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