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Monthly Archives: April 2014

An ADHD brain

For those who don’t know what ADHD is. ADHD stands for  Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. It also exists without the “H” but that’s a bit rarer than the full version of this disorder.

Yesterday I watched a video by a youtuber who tried to explain what it is like to have ADHD and he didn’t like that it is called a “disorder” because he didn’t experience it that way. (I will link that video below)

While I was perfectly able to relate to every other aspect of that video, because I have ADHD, I had to disagree with the part that it’s not a disorder.

Things are called “disorder” because the person having that disorder functions differently, not because there is something wrong with them. Maybe this misunderstanding was the reason for him to disagree with it.

Like the guy in the video, I have never been medicated for it and I am happy about that. Why? Because medication against ADHD usually numbs your brain down but I would like to keep my thoughts because they make me who I am. This type of medication is designed to stop that seemingly randomness in ones brain. The brain of an ADHD person is unable to filter information the way a “normal” brain would. It is not laziness or carelessness of the person. It the brain and the person can’t change that.

Let me give you a few examples from my own life (a bit like in my post about introverts) so you can understand a little better:

Learning:
When I am supposed to learn something new I usually have a big problem to read and understand because I can’t focus on boring things for extended periods of time. While a “normal” person can usually force themselves to concentrate, my brain can’t do it. Believe me I tried! What works much better for me is everything hands on. Being told (I have a very good memory actually) what I need to know and then seeing it and trying it will teach me faster and I will remember it more reliably.

Hobbies:
I have a million hobbies. As a child I would take about every extra class that was even remotely interesting to me. I would be in the school choir, in the band, in the school newspapers, the theater group, acrobatics, soccer, circus group, and musical. When I left that school and joined a different school I joined everything there: HipHop dance, basket ball, theater, French course. Outside school I would find everything that was for free and I would join it. In addition I taught myself to play the guitar. In the band I learnt how to play the e-bass. At my grandparent’s house I taught myself to play the synthesizer and later on I learnt the piano. I tried the violin and the accordeon. I learnt to play tinwhistle and the recorder. I play the drums and most other percussion instruments including the whole orff set. I can also sing, love photography, and filming things. Apart from that my greatest hobbies are baking, cooking, riding the bike, inline skating, and online gaming.
Yes, all of that. And this huge list is missing all the things that were a hobby for only a short time like astronomy or quantum physics.

Projects:
It took a long time for me to learn to stick with one project and make that one a success before starting something else. I am 30 now. Can you believe that only a year ago I figured out how to stick with one or two projects instead of starting 20 and keeping everything unfinished?
Why start so many projects, you may ask. Well something appeals to me and I want to do it *NOW” but you know how every project has its boring parts. Once that part starts I will lose interest. I will try to get through it but something else will distract me and I will forget about my project.

No attention-span whatsoever:
You know those jokes? “Oh look! A squirrel!” the randomness, and inability to stay focused in a conversation, might be funny and in jokes a bit overdone, but they are actually true. The guy in the video explains this part perfectly.
Basically while you say something your head fills up with 10 more ideas, you think about those ideas while you talk and suddenly you forget what you were about to say. That is annoying for the person you are talking to but it happens. While this doesn’t happen as much to me, other people with ADHD have that problem a lot. For me it is more when people talk to me. They tell me something and my mind wanders off for no good reason and even when I find the story interesting. I randomly giggle because a thought crosses my mind.
Let me try to explain that. Say my husband explains to me how an engine works, and while he is talking I see a man crossing the street who has a monkey on his shirt, and I in return have to think about a monkey sitting in the car eating a banana, and when the banana is eaten, the monkey throws the banana out of the window, and the next person is stepping on it and falling like in slapstick comedy. At this point I have a stupid grin on my face while my husband explains about how to exchange oil but I missed how he got there and he will get annoyed because he has to find out where he lost me and explain again. – Yes, that happens a lot.

Constant moving:
You know how we seem kind of restless at times? It is one of the side-effects our brain activity has on our bodies. It is not something we are doing consciously. We are venting the hyper activity in our brain by moving our leg or hands constantly. This can be stronger or lighter. I have a very light form of that. I can deal with not moving a lot – not for very long, but I can. And when I move, it is not as much as others. I will either play with something in my hands or move a foot a bit. But usually in a very un-annoying way for the people that are with me at the time.

While all of these things seem like huge problems, there is a good side to it. The fact that you are interested in so many things and you try them all out, makes you know what you are good at. You get to understand a lot of things better because you tried them all. I always thought I would like to become a programmer, but when I tried to learn programming, I found out that it is not my thing really. I love to work on the computer though and that is how I got the job I have right now.

The job I have right now is also a good example for a great work athmosphere that works with people who have ADHD. It should be implemented in normal schools, but that is just my opinion.
What makes my job so special? My employer does have targets and you need to work to a very high quality. This means a certain workload has to be completed at the end of the day and things must be done correctly in 99% of the cases. There is a strict quality review that includes feedback when a mistake has been made so you don’t do it again.
Of course we need to be at work at a certain time and we need to stay for a certain time. All the normal work stuff that everybody knows.
BUT
We can have breaks whenever we need them unless there is a meeting of course. We can eat and drink at the desk. We are allowed to listen to music or even watch youtube. As long as the workload is completed and the quality fits, we can do pretty much whatever we like.

What does this to my work?
I am a perfectionist and I like when I do my work 100% correct but I do need a lot of small breaks. Usually I really just stare out of the window for a few minutes when I can’t focus anymore. And when I am in a hurry, I listen to GTA radio (yes… and usually K-Rose, in case anybody wants to know). But this work environment makes it possible for me to deliver good work. So good indeed that I was told that I am top of my team which I have never been told before (in work environments that were not that free and trusting).

So how deal with an ADHD person? (wow that sounds bad!)

  • Don’t take it personal when we lose focus. It’s annoying for you but we can’t help it.
  • When you see that we are losing focus, ask us a question, engage us in the conversation.
  • When we seem random, either ask how we got to that thought, or just deal with it.
  • Don’t tell us to “just focus for a second!” because we can’t. Give us a minute to stare a whole into the wall and then continue.
  • Understand that looking away doesn’t mean that we are not paying attention anymore. Try me, I dare you 😛
  • If you have a child with ADHD that can’t focus on the homework, allow it to have little (LITTLE) breaks of 5 minutes. For example do math problem one, go drink a glas of water, do the next problem, go use the toilet, do the next problem, get a chewing gum, …. and so on. (I might dedicate a post, on how to deal with an ADHD child, in the future.)

AT TEACHERS: Please, don’t just be happy that the medicated ADHD child is so much more quiet now. It is quiet because its brain has been numbed. How good is that for the health, what do you think? And if the child suddenly starts lashing out, do not take it personal. In that case it is likely wrongly medicated, and that is the feedback the parents need. Not a note “Timmy is too aggressive!” but a note “Has Timmy changed his medication? He seems more agitated.” Yes, it’s a few more words, but it helps you, the class, Timmy, and his parents. Try to help those kids, they are not stupid and they are not doing it on purpose!

Here is the video that inspired this post:

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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Mother?

I feel well equipped to become a mother to a child.

All my life I have been a mother. I have been a mother without choosing to be one. It has been pinned on me. I was my own mother for most my life. And once I was old enough, I  mothered my mother, who never mothered me.

Some explanation:

My mom is a hippie. Now for many people that might sound like something very nice. It sounds like freedom and open minds, like creativity, Woodstock, and colourfull clothes.
Growing up with a hippie for a mother though has too many downsides.
One of the downsides in my case was having to mother my mother instead of enjoying my childhood and just being a kid.

Starting at about 10 years old I had to take care of her more than she did about me a lot of times. Financially we were way under the poverty line. So I guess that her money troubles were so important that she forgot how to be a mother at that point. Instead of checking my homework, making me do chores, and teaching me about life, she told me about money troubles, her stalker, her depressing past, and her suicidal thoughts.
She was there, she loved me, no doubt about that. But she did not know how to be a mother. She tried, but sadly she failed.

The good thing, I must say, is the fact that I turned out to be a very self dependent person. I usually don’t need anybody to do anything for me, I will sort stuff out. I am great at organizing things quickly and efficiently. I am great at helping friends when they have a problem, no matter what problem that is. I know where to go and what to look for in most problem situations.

After all, I did this all my life. I sorted all my school troubles without having my mother involved because she refused to get involved in anything. I made sure that stuff gets done at home. When my brothers were at home I made sure they were somewhat under control. I would put the blanket on my mom when she fell asleep. I would clean the flat when needed. I would help with the shopping.
Every time I had a side job I put two thirds of my money into the household. When I got my first full time job I still put two thirds into the household instead of saving up to move out because my mom had no cash to keep the household going without that. Once I moved out I still kept buying groceries for my mother because she could not afford it. And once I couldn’t afford it anymore either, I was still available as the mental safety net that my mother needed. She told me her sorrows and I caught them and I gave her advice. And every time she followed my advice, things would improve for her.
But she is somewhat comfortable in her misery so she would always find something else that is bad and that burdened her and that, in turn, had to burden me because I had to listen and give advice again. This went on for many years.
In the mean time I got very very sick, mentally. I needed help but my mother was unable to help because I was her help, I could not tell her that things are too much for me now. I was 22 at that point.

Let’s skip a few years.
I am 30 now. My depression is gone. I worked hard to get my sanity back and some things are still a bit difficult but I am working on it and my husband is a great help.
Recently I had this trip back (see my post about home) and it was horrible. It put me back in this horrible state of mind. I was so dependent on my husband to be there and to keep me sane, it is difficult to put that in words. Starting on day one, I got this weird headache that did not go away until we left the country again. Also the day we met my whole family I was so moody (for no apparent reason) and my hands were shaking so bad.
Being around my mom and the rest of the family is not a healthy thing for me obviously.

Now my mother and I are still in contact via Facebook but the problem is that even with about 2000 km between us, I am still her “mental trash bin”. Every time she gets in touch with me, she will tell me how life is bad, how her health is spiraling downwards, how this and that. I used to try and help with all that stuff. I explained to her how to fix her health, to take her medication properly and what will happen if she does not. I told her that she needs to eat (she is diabetic) I told her about her other medications, what those do and why they are important for her life. I found numbers / email addresses / contact centers for all her worries and problems. I even got her in touch with people that she needed to get in touch with. Nothing helped. She says she wants to fix things but even when all the solutions are being handed to her on a silver plate, she will not take them.
Instead she keeps complaining and she keeps expressing her suicidal thoughts to me instead of her therapists (yes, she has one but of course she isn’t going although she doesn’t even have to pay that).

Recently I had a revelation.
I am sick of being my mother’s mother. I need a motherly shoulder to lean on sometimes, why can’t I have one?
I cannot keep doing this. If she really feels she wants to die, then that is her decision to make. She has scared me with this for too many years, I don’t have the energy to spare anymore. I can’t keep investing all this time and energy if she doesn’t appreciate it. She once told me (I was 14) that if I wasn’t there for her she would kill herself. And now she did not sugarcoat that, she said it like that. I am sorry, but that’s a bit too much. I can’t enable her like that any longer.
They say that you can’t help a person that doesn’t want to be helped.
It’s true, you know.

I may sound cold here, but I can’t see her as my mother. Indeed I see her as a dear friend. Not even a best friend because my best friends don’t just take from me, they give back.

My Andrew recently said something very sweet to me and I think it is very true and important. He said something along the lines of (sorry can’t remember the exact wording)
“I would like to be your mother. I mean be there if you need me.”
He is actually one of the few people who are there if I need them. I summed them up on the sub-site “family”.

Apart from all of this:

I actually feel ready to become a mother to a child at this point. I would love to have a little one and have it grow up to be a great person. I would love to do that. A little baby-leela that will get the care and safe feeling that I never had 🙂 Let’s see when that is happening 🙂

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Rant

This is the internet, get over it or get out:

1. No one fucking cares if you are offended. Did you die from being offended? Did anything serious happen to you after someone offended you? What are we? Fucking kindergarten? Grow a pair of balls wtf… Nothing happens if you are offended. It’s the fucking internet, guys. People say stuff. If it’s too offensive for you, get out. Does everybody need to be treated like a sensitive cute little flower now?

2. Christians may stop trying to silence me. Even on my own fucking facebook profile I mostly refrain from making any type of clear atheistic statements. Why? I have two friends on there, who will take it personal aka be offended. Since I am not a fucking prick, I try to be nice. I will stop being nice now because fuck you, that’s why. If you can share your fucking brainwashed bullshit to everybody on your friend list then so can I. Deal with it and if you are too much of a sensitive little flower, fucking un-friend me. I’m not going to stay quiet any longer.

3. Also, just saying, if my language or the words I use offend you because I use “bad words” than sucks to be you. I will say whatever I want, in real and online. No, society will dictate to me what kind of words are now being deemed unfit for public use. Especially as long as “dick” is beeped out but “man slaughter” is not.

4. If I block you in any online community, then that is my way of moving on and showing you the door. I will have a reason and even if you don’t accept that, I don’t fucking care. If you feel the need to rant on about me, making me look bad or whatever, just shows your true character and therefore > fuck you and I was right to block you. You are probably not worth any more of my time.

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Happy Challenge Update

I will be honest here. I completely failed this challenge.
I cannot be happy 100 days in a row.
Not because my life sucks. Actually I have it pretty good compared to just a few years ago.
It’s more a general problem. I am naturally a pretty pessimistic person. My current job made this worse. As I mentioned before, in one of my previous posts, I am not well equipped for it. I can deal with my job but I can’t shield stuff away well. It does get to me pretty bad.
On top of my job ruining everything that is sweet and cute for me, I am also pretty much a social critic. So whenever I don’t get all the horrible images in my head, I have to think about our fucked up society where sharia law is enforced in certain places, where teenagers are bullied into suicide, and where old people can’t live off their pensions any more.

My brain never stops and I can’t make it stop.

So yea, I totally failed the happy challenge although I have a pretty nice live with a sweet husband, a good income, a flat, internet, and all these sweet things.

On a brighter side though:
I did have a nice easter time. Enjoyed the days off because I live in a catholic country. I ate too much, I watched movies, I cuddled with my honey, went out, and all the nice stuff. From time to time I was able to completely block my work out of my mind. That’s good and I am happy about it. Shame it doesn’t count into the challenge as I already failed it before easter.

 

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m fat

Last year in summer I started losing weight. Not because somebody told me to or anything. I simply didn’t feel good in my body anymore. I felt fat, wobbly, out of breath, and I couldn’t move the way I used to.
I used to be very sporty and slim. But during the past… say 6 years or so, I started gaining.
Less sports, more hobby baking, and such are the reason.

When I started to lose weight, I lost 12 Kilo and I wanted to lost 10 more to get to my  normal weight according to BMI.
So basically I went from morbese to overweight and I was super proud of that huge step. Well, I am back to the start now. After the move I let it all slide and went back to old, bad eating habits. So now the starting weight is back and I am shocked.

Starting now I decided to get back on track.

The plan:

I will start with some calorie counting and eating healthy in combination. I need to program my brain back to “No, I am not hungry every hour.”
Many over weight people eat too much because:

  1. It tastes so good. Just one more.
  2. They lost the feeling of being full.
  3. They mistake thirst for hunger.
  4. They mistake the feeling of just wanting something for hunger.

So re-programming my brain is the first step I have to take.
Once I am not hungry every hour any more, I will stop counting calories and go back to the high protein – low-carb eating habits. A lot of vegetables, little fruit, and things like bread or noodles go away. I will likely make a more detailed post about it once the time comes. Or maybe I will just link you to my other blog, where I have these things explained in detail.

Today I had aproximately 450 calories already.

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Happy challenge update

Day 10: Friday
It was Friday!! Knowing the weekend is close is a reason to be happy.

Day 11: Saturday
Fixed my bike! I love working on my bike so that was great!

Day 12: Sunday
I just relax today. I love quiet, lazy Sundays.

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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My thoughts on abortion

Abortion – one of edgiest topics I actually know.
Why so edgy? Because those who are unreasonable are making it an edge topic. A big “nono”.
And behind closed doors in a whispered voice “You can’t talk about this!”
Well sorry to disappoint, for me it is not a taboo. In fact, it is an important topic!
What are the main keypoints that are coming up over and over again?
1. When does life begin?
2. Do we have a right to decide if a life may start or not?
3. Health concerns.
4. Religious concerns / the sanctity of life
5. Is it natural to abort?
I personally am for abortion. And believe it or not, it hasn’t always been this way. I was confronted with many ideas and arguments and over time I was able to change my opinion based on new information that became available to me.
The terms “pro choice” and “pro life” are phrased in a way that I cannot accept and that is why I do not use them for myself.
Both terms imply something that is exclusive. Either you protect life now and forever and no matter what = unreasonable.
Or you protect yourself as a parent and become a judge over life or death of another potential human being = unreasonable.
What this should be all about is different.
When I think about abortion, my first thought does not go to a fertilized egg in a woman’s body. My first thought goes to the two people who are behind the fertilized egg. There was a man and a woman involved. What happened is none of my business but now she is pregnant.
Leaving dogmatic religious or political views aside, let’s try to ask some important questions here:
Did the condom break, did she forget to take her pill, did she even know about contraception?
Did she get raped, was it the first sex and the couple didn’t know how to use a condom correctly?
Did she have access to contraceptives at all?
How old or how sick is she?
How will this influence the rest of her life?
If this egg becomes more and this “more” is being carried out, will it be able to live?
How traumatic or good is this experience for the couple?
Does this woman have a partner, a supportive family, or does she stand alone?
Does she have a flat, a job, or is she living in a minivan because she lost her home and job?
And what about the man?Does he want the baby?
Was he careful with the condom?
Did he just trust in her using an internal condom or some other type of contraception?
Will he care for the potential life that can come out of this situation? Is he an abusive or caring type in general?
Does he have a job, a flat?
And the couple as a whole? Did they want to have a baby right now?
Are they still at school or living on their own?
Are they too young, too old, too sick, too active? Do they actually have time for a child?
There are so many things that have to be considered when we talk about abortion and what it means for the people involved.
All these questions don’t matter to most people who are against abortion. And why? Because their religion teaches them that it is not good. Because “life begins at xyz”. Because they feel guilty. Because it can cause trauma, Because this fertilized egg has a right to live, no matter what. Because the couple was just stupid, not careful enough. Because it is not responsible to make life and then decide it has to die.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I bet it does.
Now my questions:
Why is it so important for you personally to decide about somebody else’s future?
Why is it so important for you how somebody else leads their life.
Why is somebody else’s sexlife important to you AT ALL?
Why don’t you just live your life and decide for yourself when you are in that situation and let other people make their own decisions?
Which leads me to the next point:
Why does the government have to have a say in this at all?
Why would I let anybody but myself and my partner decide about this?
My mental state? Do you think I can’t make a decision about my body and my life because I am … depressed or something?
Let me ask you something else here:
If you push laws that forbid abortion, do you know what you are doing?
Are you prepared to deal with carried out but dead babies in trash cans?
Are you prepared to provide psychological treatment for people who feel that giving birth to an unwanted baby caused trauma to them?
Are you happy to spend your tax money on treatment of health issues caused by carrying out those babies?
Are you prepared to deal with a black market for abortions, where it will be more likely for the mother to get hurt or even die in the process?
Are you happy to spend your tax money on more homes for those abandoned children?
Are you happy to one day face your 13 year old daughter, who is very petite but pregnant, who knows that carrying out and giving birth will cause huge health problems to her, and who knows that if she gives birth naturally, she might die?
How confident are you in your position of “pro life” considering everything above?
Maybe you should step back when things don’t concern you and maybe you should question your own opinion from time to time. Call it a reality check if you like.
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Update – Happy Challenge
Day 6 – Monday
Challenges and being in charge of *something* makes me happy. I got exactly that on Monday. My teamlead was gone so I got to take care of some of her duties that day. A very welcome change in my normal daily routine!

Day 7 – Tuesday
My husband was very cute, he wanted to go for a walk with me, which is welcome. I loved it!

Day 8 – Wednesday
I started my last attempt to a healthy diet (as in change of eating habits) and so far I feel great. I am already looking forward to the allergic reactions (to some stuff in some foods) to vanish.

Day 9 – Thursday
Played a ranked with a friend and won 🙂 Soraka rules!!

 
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Posted by on April 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Happy Challenge – Weekend

Yes, this was a quite nice weekend and there were lots of things I liked.

Before I list a few of the nice things, I want to mention how interesting it feels to me. I am usually more of a pessimistic person, so I miss those small nice things that I encounter on a daily basis.
Focusing on the little things that make you happy is already a pretty neat experience – and it’s only been five days.

Update Day 4:

  1. Got a new gaming mouse. Love it!
  2. Was able to afford a few tops for work.
  3. Had a great day in town with my husband.

Update Day 5:

  1. Had some very nice Polenta.
  2. Played minecraft with my husband.
  3. Played some Ultra Rapid Fire mode on League of Legends before it’s gone tomorrow.

chickenpumpkin

 

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Too much

The following blog post is not me complaining, it is just venting.

So I am working for this website.
A big part of my work (about 70% – 80%) consists of checking reported content.

There is usually a good reason why people report certain things, so what I get to see day in day out is the dark side of the internet.

So today my work consisted of watching beheading, shootings, killings, more beheading, stoneings, executions, dogs being tortured, images of dead rape victims, open wounds, traffic accidents with body parts all over the place, and much more. You get the idea.
The more relaxed days usually consist of war images, people being tortured or shot, and dead children.

Lately it is really getting to me.
I got used to it after an initial shock when I was new to this job.

I remember back at the interview. They warned me that I might see disturbing things at work. They asked me if I am ok with that. I said “Yes”.
After all I used to do content administration for a big porn site for a while, I moderated and administrated sites, chats, forums. I researched the military for a good while because I wanted to join the military. And part of me preparing was watching the most disturbing things I could find online and see if I can deal with all of it.
I honestly thought that I’ve seen it all. There can’t be anything worse.
Boy was I wrong.

I am not well prepared to deal with “too much” because I just came out of my clinical depression. I don’t have the tools to shield my  mind properly, tools to balance things out. All I can do to vent so I don’t go crazy is writing.

There are days like today where I can’t do anything to lift my spirits


Happy Challenge, Day 3:

Although my work day was really difficult for my mind (see post above) I did find a few small things that made me happy:

  1. I got to meet with a friend after work and we had very nice Chinese food.
  2. I finished something that I have been working on.
  3. Today was pay day.
  4. My missing debit card was returned.
  5. Found my missing key card for work, that I thought I lost.
 
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Posted by on April 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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