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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Every month…

So most of the time, I try to keep my mind off my body because quite honestly, it reminds me that I am physically a woman and that sucks.

In a society that is fastly growing to accept people as who and what they are, people like me are still kind of… freaks and weird.

I am not being discriminated against or anything. No one at work is behaving hateful towards me. My few friends accept me as the person I am and my husband loves me exactly because my mind is not female.
I have received my fair share of bullying in my life but it was never because I was a girl. It was because I was poor or because I was introverted, etc. Never for being a girl ever. So for those, saying that people like me HAVE to have had a trauma that made them CHOOSE to not be their gender “anymore” > Nothing traumatized me and cause me to decide not to be a girl anymore. I have never been one.

I remember that feeling of not fitting in from when I was very little already. At the time when girls and boys started to separate because the interests became different, I started getting confused a little. Luckily at home me and my brothers were encouraged to just play and do and be ourselves.

At some point I decided I would like to become a man physically and started looking into surgeries and processes but medicine wasn’t very advanced for these things at the time. It still isn’t let’s be honest. Nowadays, even if I would go for surgery, the farthest I would go is getting the breasts removed, because I do not think that there is a method yet, like in mtf surgery, where a functional and normal looking penis could me made that even is able to feel nice during sex. I would miss that, so then I’d be the weird guy on the toilet who always goes in the cabin to pee. No thanks.

At some point I talked to my husband about the fact that if I could decide, I would get my breasts removed. I hinted towards the fact that I would like to transition too. I wasn’t very direct but I didn’t have to be. My husband made pretty clear that he loves me very much for who I am but he just doesn’t feel physically attracted to a male body. Back then he told me, he wouldn’t know if a marriage would still work if this part would be missing.

Considering the fact that I love this man over the top – all the troubles and hurdles we had to overcome to be and stay together. The fact that just recently I had a complete mental break down because he said something that triggered in me the fear that he could leave me (although, as he told me later on, there was no reason for me to fear that), shows a lot of love. I wouldn’t say dependent. I can let go even if it hurts, so if he would decide one day, that he needs to leave me for some reason, I would let go because I love him. But I do not want to be the reason for that. Therefore a surgery that brings me closer to physically being a man is out of the question.

I don’t know if there is something that can bring me closer anyway. My appearance is so female, my doctor… is nice but I don’t think would agree to treat me towards that. I don’t know how my husband would react if I said, ok I would like to transition…

But there is this one thing that I would like to change. We do want children, but after that, I would like my womb… to stop completely going through the cycle and I do not want to take the pill or contraception. I simply want it to be over with, gone. I know in order to be healthy, I need certain hormones that are, as far as I know, produced somewhere down there. But that fucking monthly cycle messes with my brain and it is fucking painful (blue balls for a week every month anybody?)Very annoying mix and I don’t want it and I never wanted it.

There was a time when I did not take the pill for many years and I stopped getting my period. The doctor told me, if I ever plan to have children, I should take the pill though, in order to not damage my womb any further. Well wonderful then…

I don’t know.

Every month I hate my female body even more than I usually hate it. I try to keep my mind off my body but then I step on the scale. I want to lose weight to have a healthy good weight but that would make me very… girly and sexy. Dayum back when I was slim, I had a really hot body. I am not slim anymore, I don’t want a girly hot body… I want a male hot body but I guess I won’t get one…

I can accept the fact that I am me and that I am trapped in this body until I die. I can accept that people will keep treating me like a woman because that is what they see. I can accept it all.

But I do need to vent once in a while because otherwise I will implode from holding back.

Also yes, you spotted that right. I am holding back, and I am not calling myself trans. For me, saying I am transgender, would mean that I am either in the process of or planning my transition. And neither is the case. I would like to transition but at the moment I will not do it and probably I will never.

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Month of pride

sex-rb

A year has passed and once again the pride parade is knocking at my door. 

Recently I read something about pride parades not being there because we want to march but because there is a need for society to acknowledge and accept people the way they are, no matter who they love and as what gender they identify.

Every year around this time, I think back at my journey. How I found my sexuality and how I started accepting myself the way I am. How I started to understand that it is okay to be me the way I am.
It was a bumpy road but it was worth walking this bumpy road.

I identify as a bisexual, gender queer person. I do not like to address myself as woman or man because I am neither. I am this weird thing somewhere in-between. If I like a girl, I will be a perfect gentleman. If I am with men, I can do the perfect “guy talk” without seeming weird. But if I am talking to women, I can have this discussion about dieting, motherhood, and hair dye. There might be more guy in me than there is girl but I feel good the way I am, especially since I started accepting myself.

Until society everywhere on the planet treats lgbt people just like everybody else, we shall keep marching every year!

I hope everybody is having a great June and at some point a great pride parade!

genderqueerprideflagsma

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Leelah is dead!

A lot of you might have heard about the transgender girl Leelah who recently commited suicide.

Well, as you might have guessed, this did hit me quite hard. And because I felt, and still feel, so strongly, I didn’t just want to jump in and make an angry post about injustice and how bad religion is.

In my own way, I want to say a few words. After all, it is not only the name, that Leelah and I shared.
Although I never met her, and of course I don’t know her, I can understand quite well why she did what she did. I have been at that point myself and ultimately I am happy that I am still alive. I feel for her and am very sorry that she had to choose this road.

But looking at the one positive in this tragedy is the fact that FINALLY people are opening their eyes and there is no way to ignore this problem anymore.
“Helping” a transgender person by telling them that something is wrong with them and trying to pray it away is the worst thing you could do! And because Leelah was so clear in the final things that she had to tell the world, it cannot be ignored any longer. This is a great accomplishment.
As I said, I am very sorry that she had to die in order to open people’s eyes because sadly, before this, her voice was not loud enough.

It is a sad sad thing, and shows how broken our society is, when someone has to kill themselves to be listened to!

Things are confusing enough as a teenager. Add to that, that your gender does not match your sex, and not having anybody to talk to about it. It is a torture, it hurts, and when your own parents add to the bad feelings you have about yourself by making you go to a RELIGIOUS therapy where you are told that something is wrong with you and that you can pray it all away… I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. It had to be unbearably.

I was not a very fortunate child but in this matter, at least nobody told me that something was wrong with the very core of who I am.

I am lighting a candle for Leelah and hope that society will wake up – finally.

For the (religious) parents out there, that have transgender children:
You do love your child, don’t you?
Please try, for just a moment, concentrate on the pain and suffering your child is experiencing.
Please try to imagine yourself having a problem and instead of being told that your are being loved no matter what, you are being told that something is wrong with you.
And now imagine that you are being sent to a person you don’t know, whose world view you do not share, and who also tells you that something is wrong with you. This person now says that they will help you and starts playing the piccolo flute right next to your ear, the highest tunes you can imagine. You are not allowed to leave the room before the person is satisfied and things that they helped you.
Can you imagine how much more pain you are causing with what you do? “pray it away” and such things are not the right way to address your teenage child that is telling you something very personal and looking for comfort.

You are the parents! You have one job and one job only: Love your child unconditionally!

In the case of transgender people, it is not a problem they have.
You perceive it as a problem but in fact, the person was born that way.
They didn’t have a choice or do you think that people like to chose a life that causes them pain and trouble?
If you are religious, you should know that your deity made your child the way it is.
Your deity had a reason to do that so don’t you dare and question that choice.
If you think that your deity made a mistake, making your child the way it is, you might wanna reconsider your position on religion.
If your deity wanted to have your child suffer through life, it must be a horrible persona and is probably not worth being followed.

Please be good to your children, they are the future of humanity!

Hope and love,
Leela (without an h)

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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