Tag Archives: work

Burnt out

I have been writing about my current place of work a few times already and now that I am hopefully going back to my job before, I start realizing some things.

This job has completely burnt me out within four month.
Useless training, horrible upper management, brainless short term targets, external and internal tools breaking all the time, internal procedures not being followed, pressure where no pressure should be made, one of my three supervisors being an unprofessional pervert, two of my three team leads completely incompetent, the product I support is absolutely boring to me, any projects I could possibly take on are equally boring and un-challenging, quality control is completely nuts, new great additional procedures being made up on the spot all the time, big corporate bullshit everywhere….

I always think of work like this:
I spend more of my waking hours at work than anywhere else. When I go to work, I want to go there and feel good about it. Yes, it is a job, and it needs to be done. But the fact that I spend so much time in a place I hate is very unhealthy. Work needs to be a bit like a second home. A place where you can go, do your job, be appreciated at least sometimes, relax during break times, and just simply not hate yourself.
I had that in my old job. It was challenging and not the easiest of jobs from more than one point of view BUT I loved going there. I felt that I am being valued and cared for.

Now, during the past two month, I have been on auto pilot. Just functioning but feeling worse and worse. I am happy I got back in touch with my old recruiter and she offered me my old job. The interview went well, she already knew me and she likes me. So the next day I got my email that basically said “yes we want you but we need to do the background check”.
So right now I am idling, waiting for that background check to be done and waiting for an email saying “Here is your contract and start date. Be there at 8 am.”

So I guess I will be on survival mode for a few more days and once I get my call/email I can pull my last few energy resources to get through the last month in that weird work place.


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Posted by on February 16, 2016 in Uncategorized


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I get it now

About a week ago I realized why some people will commit suicide because of their work.

They have a good job, it pays fine, there are benefits, the co-workers are nice.
But something is wrong and very toxic. And this something can drive people to suicide.

I get it now.

My job is such a place and I am sure, if I stay there for much longer, I will fall back into my depressed and suicidal hole.

Here is the thing.
There are things that are just toxic and even a healthy mind cannot deal with it well, but a mind that is not healthy will die.

For example:

I can deal with high work loads, I can deal with stress, I can deal with annoying co-workers, I can deal with very dumb customers, I can deal with shift work, I can deal with working on holidays, and so on.

What I cannot deal with is unreasonable things. 
In my current job there is so much unreasonable, that I just cannot be me any more.
The idea that the customer has to be happy with the work I deliver is great and it was one of the reasons I wanted this job to begin with. But here is the thing. The company recently split. Since then the workload quadrupled. No I am not making this number up.
Now we were told to expect some difficulties during the first couple weeks.
But here is the thing. Things have gotten worse and worse. Now the workload has gone so high that it is impossible to work well any more. I barely get to read and answer every email from a customer. Of course the customers are not happy and we get bad ratings. Of course it is not the bad system but us, the customer care workers, who are at fault there.
I dared to ask if there is maximum number of assigned tickets. The answer was a very flowry and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
When my supervisor had a 1to1 with me, he asked me how I feel. I told him that I feel overwhelmed by the high workload. And his answer was also a very flowery and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
So I come to work every morning, knowing that I cannot deliver the quality I am paid to deliver. Instead of that, I deliver nothing. The second I close one ticket, I get two more on top of it. There is no end, there is no proper break, there is no getting out of it.
And it isn’t even only that. On top of that, all (but one) team leaders are completely incompetent. Either physically hiding all day or having everything more important than helping out when they should. There are also three supervisors. Mine is very quiet and most of the time does what he should do. There is one supervisor who does not know professional boundaries to the people working under him. And there is the third supervisor who honestly only talks bullshit by trying to be social and human to everybody.

Recently I called in sick for a day because I just couldn’t take it any more. I went to the doctor and had the doctor give me a cert saying I had a stomach bug. This was a lie but sadly, mental instability is not something that is worthy of a day off.
My husband recently told me that he doesn’t like the way I am lately. Moody, cranky, bitchy, calling in sick. This is not me. But lately this is completely me.

Now I took steps. I started applying again and on Friday I have an interview. But imagine I’d be 50+ years old. I would not have a way out because at that age you won’t find a new job as easily. That is sad but true. Or people who do not have a wide skill set or people who don’t learn new things as easily as I do. I get it, when you do not see a way out. I get it, that you might feel that either you become a zombie without will and just go to work day by day hating yourself for what you are letting the job do to you. I get it when this is the only job you think you can have. I get it.

I am very happy that I have a husband at home who lovingly catches me every day and has my back. A husband who honestly tells me that he doesn’t think I should keep this job and encourages me to find something else.

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Posted by on November 9, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Let’s ramble

A lot of different things have been on my mind since the last post and a lot of times I thought that it would make a good blog post but then again, I am pretty busy lately so I didn’t find the time to write. Today I decided to just steal that time from something else.

Work stuff:

I am at this point where I just keep saying that I don’t care at all anymore. I doing the bare minimum at work because honestly fuck this shit.

Let me tell you what happened:

I have a very clean slate at work. I am the person that is on time always, the one who locks their screen, the one who knows all policies and workflows, the one who will help all newbies and always find the time to explain something new. By now I am officially a mentor, a coach, and a quality reviewer. I plan workloads, prepare presentations, etc etc. That is all not in my job description. I just do it because I like it. So I am not complaining of course. I love a challenge, I love getting to work on a project so later I can say “wow this was me and I helped so many people with it”. It just feels good. Yes, I feel proud of the work I do because I am good at what I am doing.
Now like in every customer related job, there are different queues and all the tickets that come in have to be worked within a certain time frame. Now there is one queue where we need to answer within 24 hours. So a coworker works Sunday. He empties the queue at 5pm on Sunday and goes home. On monday he is off and four hours after he leaves a ticket comes into the queue.
On Monday morning my two team leads are panicking. Where did that ticket come from, why did no one work this? (I am working via an agency onsite with a huge international company and my teamleads are also via the agency. So it is a bunch of contractors getting orders.) I am being asked who was in on Sunday and I answer. Hm, did he not empty the queue? Oh yes he did, here is the screenshot. Where is this ticket coming from? Panic. An hour later the teamlead asks me to please work this ticket. at this point it is at 12 hours, so I still got 12 hours right? No problem, I will work it. So I finish something else and go to a meeting. I come back, bigger panic about this ticket. So I work the ticket with still 5 hours left on the clock and think all is good now. It was not big issue in the ticket, quickly solved, no problem.
Tuesday morning, before coffee or breakfast, teamlead asks me over for a second. Shows me an email to the leads of the actual company, trying to silencing them because all reasoning and explaining did not shut them up. So he put as last line that I am getting the first step of a disciplinary because of this issue.

Now my problem is this:
I am by far their best worker there. I am a senior, I deliver great quality, so yea I get they needed a scape goat to shut those people up and they chose me because nothing can happen to me. But the pure fact that a scape goat is needed for an issue where no one is at fault for anything. A minor thing that no one cares about and that had no impact whatsoever. I am not even working this queue and this language market usually. But someone had to be hung. This type of bullshit politics is my problem. I love my team lead, he is doing a great job and I am not mad at him.
But I know who is behind the whole drama, which exact manager and I know that this person will walk over everything and everybody in order to look good. And I hate such people. There must be someone to blame even if there isn’t even an issue, and of course it must be one of the contractors, give me a name, do something.
The fact that the also bullied my teamlead (who is also a friend) out just adds to the fact that I am now looking for a new job. Fuck this shit, if you take me for granted and I hear no thank you ever, and I get THIS in return, I am leaving. See what you do without me and fuck you very much.

League of Legends stuff:

I joined a somewhat competitive team on LoL now. So although I am solo q not ranked very high, I am actually playing with Platinum and Diamond people in a team. It is very fun and I am learning a lot. The team has coaches and a captain and a proper training plan for team and solo. As I don’t have as much time on my hand as most of my team mates, I actually had to make my own solo plan so I can keep up. So far it is working fine.

Also about LoL: I did the placement matches, winning 7 and losing 3 had me end up 2 divisions higher than last season but that doesn’t mean a lot because it is still Bronze. Bronze 1 yes, and I get a ton of LP when I win, then again, I just lost promo. You know, I feel so helpless in matches where I am doing well, winning my lane, roaming and helping out but my team starts arguing and that is how we lose. Look, I am not going to be upset about losing if everybody did their best. But if my team decides that chatting, blaming, flaming, and raging is suddenly more important than trying to win, I get upset. Especially in my promo series. I am always muting everybody but you know that they are chatting all the time when they stop randomly for no good reason all the time.

On the other hand, my coach and my actual team have helped me improve a lot lately. I am increasing my champion pool for ADC and support so recently I am concentrating on Graves a bit more but when I really want to win, I will still play Caitlyn. For Support I started practising Blitzcrank because no one expects him to be played much any more.

Birthday stuff:

So today I had my birthday and I am not a birthday person. I will be happy when actual friends say something nice but randomly at work, that’s not my thing. I prefer to be left alone to be honest.
But I guess ALL my co-workers really like me because this is what happened.
I come in and one of my co-workers sees me and is like “Oh, it’s your b…” and I am just “shhhh” so she respects this and everybody around me who noticed this also kept quiet.
Then team lead who was not around for this sees me and he is Spanish so for some reason (and I say this with a smile and wink) he is unable to talk quietly. Just the clichee, he is lovely though, great guy. He sees me and goes like this:
“OH LEEEELAAA IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, NO?” *starts singing loudly*
Usually there isn’t much happening when he does that to others or anybody does something like that to someone who has their birthday. He and maybe 3 or 4 people around will sing as well.
But in this case, the whole floor (about 50 people) tune in and sing loudly.
Kinda surprising and sweet but I just really don’t enjoy being the centre of attention so this was very awkward.

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Posted by on March 13, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Interview @ Riot

A while ago I mentioned that I applied for a job at Riot Games so I thought I’d give you guys an update.

For starters I already had two interviews on Skype.
Both interviews were very nice. I didn’t receive a lot of standard interview questions.

During the first interview we realized that a position in player support might be better for me than the one I initially applied for.
A second interview with one of the managers in player support was set up.
This interview was very interesting and I felt like we were just … well geeking around about the game. There were a few questions about my past experience, my current job, and how I would like work. Toward the end, he said that I seem to have a “rioty” workstyle already. He said he would pass on some feedback and until I hear back, I could ask him anything at any time if I liked.

A week went by and I didn’t hear back. I thought that it might be because Gamescom was coming up. I went to Gamescom myself and enjoyed it 🙂
A week after the gamescom (makes 2 weeks after the second interview) I hadn’t heard back. And since I am the type of person that likes a straight answer no matter if it’s a positive or negative, I wrote a quick email back. I simply asked if any feedback was received and if there were any news.

Two days later I received an email with an invitation to an onsite interview.
That’s how it is right now. I am trying to prepare but the more I read, the less I think that I can actually prepare. It seems like the on-site interviews with Riot Games are very pleasant but something I find in all the reviews I read > There is no pattern.

My friend referred me through her boyfriend who works there. The boyfriend told me to just enjoy that day because for him it was the nicest interview he ever had.

I guess that is what I should do for now. The interview is in a couple of weeks and I received some instructions and a lose schedule. I have to send back a form so they can do some background work as well.

So I am supposed to be there at about lunch time. And after signing a non-disclosure I will be taken out for lunch as first point of business. I was even asked for me preferences when it comes to food.
After that I am supposed to have 4 interviews.
The plan is that we are done at about 6m. Will see I guess.

I am super excited already and feel very honoured. Considering the amount of applications they get every day and I get an onsite interview… Too cool.

So far no surprises either. I read and heard before that the interview process at Riot Games takes very long and that it often takes a while to get a response to your emails. This is exactly what I am experiencing and the only reason why that doesn’t worry me is the fact that I knew about that beforehand.

Will keep you guys posted!


Posted by on August 31, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Whiny waiters

Just to make this clear in advance, I try to tip every time I am eating at a restaurant.

I understand that waiters get a low pay and that business owners and managers calculate a certain amount of tips that the waiters get.

What I do not like is this kind of bs that you get for not tipping a lot:

  • I serve your food
  • I server your drinks
  • I care for your special requests
  • I am friendly and smile even if you are not
  • I am on my feet all evening to serve people
  • My wage is 2:50 an hour
  • I have bills to pay
  • I go to uni
  • People give only 2 Euro tip on a 60 Euro bill

Tell you what:

  • Serving, smiling, being friendly, taking care of guests, being on your feet >> Your job description!
  • Low pay > You manager is an asshole
  • Bills, uni? Yea, you are not the only one.
  • No one HAS TO tip. Be happy if you get tipped at all.

I have worked a lot of shitty job, including the lowest stuff like cleaning lady, kitchen personell, and retail.
And guess what, I wouldn’t even DARE to complain about not getting extra money.
These jobs suck ass, they pay bad, and that is something you know BEFORE you start the job.
Everybody has bills to pay and needs to eat but waiters are BY FAR the most whiny group of all.
You actually do get that little bonus in form of a tip if you do your job well.

  • Do you think a cleaning lady gets a tip if she cleans the toilets well?
  • Do you think the parking log guard gets a tip for operating the gates especially well?
  • Do you think the guy who cleans your car at the gas station gets a tip for making your wind shield extra shiny?

Forget it! Stop being a crybaby. Life sucks sometimes! Your life sucks, my life sucks, everybody’s lives suck. Deal with it and move on and stop whining.

Now stop complaining about your job as a waiter and just do it. Keep going. If you are in fact a student at UNI it will be over in no time and you will get all the nice, comfy jobs that you always wanted.
And then  you will complain about those jobs.

And just make things real for you, complaining about people tipping low when they have a high bill:
I am one of these people. I tip only if the waiter did a good job. And I am not a rich person. The few times I get to eat out, I have a very tight budget for eating out. If I bring 50 Euro, I am not able to spend more but I am willing to spend the whole 50 on my meal. And I will probably give you the rest, towards that 50 as a tip if it is not 2 Euro, because you know what? My life sucks too. I don’t have a washing machine. So if my bill was 48 Euro, I might actually keep those 2 Euro because I have laundry to do and it is exactly 2 Euro for the washing cycle including drier. I am not rich just because I spend a 50 at the restaurant! Quite the opposite. A meal at a nice restaurant is something that I have one a year, maybe twice. I am saving for it and then I spend what I saved. You being whiny about me not tipping, doesn’t change that.
And yes, a 50 Euro bill is a very high bill for me. I can’t afford more. I can’t buy the expensive wine you offer, I can’t afford a second glass of coke, I can’t buy a dessert most of the time, I will leave the little bread basket untouched because it is likely that I have no money for that extra.

The prices at some restaurants are horrendous (3 Euro for one oven potato!!). The owner can afford paying you right. If he doesn’t pay you properly, don’t complain to me. I am just the customer.


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Posted by on June 3, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Too much

The following blog post is not me complaining, it is just venting.

So I am working for this website.
A big part of my work (about 70% – 80%) consists of checking reported content.

There is usually a good reason why people report certain things, so what I get to see day in day out is the dark side of the internet.

So today my work consisted of watching beheading, shootings, killings, more beheading, stoneings, executions, dogs being tortured, images of dead rape victims, open wounds, traffic accidents with body parts all over the place, and much more. You get the idea.
The more relaxed days usually consist of war images, people being tortured or shot, and dead children.

Lately it is really getting to me.
I got used to it after an initial shock when I was new to this job.

I remember back at the interview. They warned me that I might see disturbing things at work. They asked me if I am ok with that. I said “Yes”.
After all I used to do content administration for a big porn site for a while, I moderated and administrated sites, chats, forums. I researched the military for a good while because I wanted to join the military. And part of me preparing was watching the most disturbing things I could find online and see if I can deal with all of it.
I honestly thought that I’ve seen it all. There can’t be anything worse.
Boy was I wrong.

I am not well prepared to deal with “too much” because I just came out of my clinical depression. I don’t have the tools to shield my  mind properly, tools to balance things out. All I can do to vent so I don’t go crazy is writing.

There are days like today where I can’t do anything to lift my spirits

Happy Challenge, Day 3:

Although my work day was really difficult for my mind (see post above) I did find a few small things that made me happy:

  1. I got to meet with a friend after work and we had very nice Chinese food.
  2. I finished something that I have been working on.
  3. Today was pay day.
  4. My missing debit card was returned.
  5. Found my missing key card for work, that I thought I lost.
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Posted by on April 5, 2014 in Uncategorized


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