First of all, sorry at those who commented on my last post here. I usually get a notification when someone makes a comment. I didn’t get that notification this time so I only saw your comments today. Very very sorry. I will start checking comments more frequently now.
Wall of text ahead:
I grew up in a family where you wouldn’t talk about the serious things.
It used to be like this:
If you wanted to tell something that happened at school / work you could tell about it. And the other person wouldn’t have a conversation with you. They would either listen and then move on or they would listen and then tell you what to do.
If there was an issue that you found important but the other person didn’t or they didn’t want to talk about it, you would be pushed aside along with the thing you wanted to talk about.
If you would insist at that point, you would be either bullied into shutting up or laughed about ( “Yeah haha, must be important, eh?” )
Serious talk was not something that would happen a lot.
Being talked at and being talked into the ground would happen and talking about fun things would happen too. But important mattes, no way.
A few example for such important thing would be school grades, emotional things, job situation, etc. You would briefly talk about it, but there would not be a solution and there would not be a long discussion.
Most things were just being brushed away, but always with the remark that “You can talk to me anytime, you know that, right?”
This was very normal for me and it might be very normal for a lot of other people.
Well imagine my surprise when I first met my husband.
We talked and talked and talked about everything. When the small talk topics ran out we moved on to the more interesting and serious things like politics, education, society. When these things ran out we started talking about ourselves and our pasts, which was an emotional rollercoaster for both of us.
And at some point, after we became a couple and had moved in together…
Well you see, my mind flipped from “friendship mode” to “family mode”. And talking about important things became impossible again. It was so deep rooted in me, I did not notice it.
I would react annoyed when I didn’t like another opinion, I would laugh when my (back then) boyfriend told me important things, I would be really odd to be honest.
It was always possible to talk reason into me and snap me out of this weird state of mind but I really had to learn to talk about things from scratch.
I always had this feeling, that if you talk about your negative feelings, it would equal soap opera babble and I never thought that my family would consider such feelings and take them serious instead of laughing them away.
My husband insisted on talking about things in a mature way though. I feel very grateful that he has been and continues to be so patient with me and my odd social …. “disabilities”.
Nowadays I can talk, very much thanks to my husband actually.
I can say things like “Honey, I really feel annoyed right now. It’s not about you, I need some alone time.” And I know that he will respect a statement like this, whereas back in the day, my family would never respect a statement like that.
He will respect me and my emotions always, in every situation. Be it a panic attack (which I have on rare occasion) or a complete “happy high”.
Learning that what I have to say is being heard and taken seriously was a very important step for me to learn to talk about things maturely instead of shutting up and crying into my pillow at night because there is nobody to talk available.
I feel very fortunate to have this kind of partner and friends who I can call family (see the family sub site). I hope very much that everybody who isn’t this fortunate, will find somebody to talk to and get over the feeling that talking about serious things equals soap opera.