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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Let’s ramble

A lot of different things have been on my mind since the last post and a lot of times I thought that it would make a good blog post but then again, I am pretty busy lately so I didn’t find the time to write. Today I decided to just steal that time from something else.

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Work stuff:
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I am at this point where I just keep saying that I don’t care at all anymore. I doing the bare minimum at work because honestly fuck this shit.

Let me tell you what happened:

I have a very clean slate at work. I am the person that is on time always, the one who locks their screen, the one who knows all policies and workflows, the one who will help all newbies and always find the time to explain something new. By now I am officially a mentor, a coach, and a quality reviewer. I plan workloads, prepare presentations, etc etc. That is all not in my job description. I just do it because I like it. So I am not complaining of course. I love a challenge, I love getting to work on a project so later I can say “wow this was me and I helped so many people with it”. It just feels good. Yes, I feel proud of the work I do because I am good at what I am doing.
Now like in every customer related job, there are different queues and all the tickets that come in have to be worked within a certain time frame. Now there is one queue where we need to answer within 24 hours. So a coworker works Sunday. He empties the queue at 5pm on Sunday and goes home. On monday he is off and four hours after he leaves a ticket comes into the queue.
On Monday morning my two team leads are panicking. Where did that ticket come from, why did no one work this? (I am working via an agency onsite with a huge international company and my teamleads are also via the agency. So it is a bunch of contractors getting orders.) I am being asked who was in on Sunday and I answer. Hm, did he not empty the queue? Oh yes he did, here is the screenshot. Where is this ticket coming from? Panic. An hour later the teamlead asks me to please work this ticket. at this point it is at 12 hours, so I still got 12 hours right? No problem, I will work it. So I finish something else and go to a meeting. I come back, bigger panic about this ticket. So I work the ticket with still 5 hours left on the clock and think all is good now. It was not big issue in the ticket, quickly solved, no problem.
Tuesday morning, before coffee or breakfast, teamlead asks me over for a second. Shows me an email to the leads of the actual company, trying to silencing them because all reasoning and explaining did not shut them up. So he put as last line that I am getting the first step of a disciplinary because of this issue.

Now my problem is this:
I am by far their best worker there. I am a senior, I deliver great quality, so yea I get they needed a scape goat to shut those people up and they chose me because nothing can happen to me. But the pure fact that a scape goat is needed for an issue where no one is at fault for anything. A minor thing that no one cares about and that had no impact whatsoever. I am not even working this queue and this language market usually. But someone had to be hung. This type of bullshit politics is my problem. I love my team lead, he is doing a great job and I am not mad at him.
But I know who is behind the whole drama, which exact manager and I know that this person will walk over everything and everybody in order to look good. And I hate such people. There must be someone to blame even if there isn’t even an issue, and of course it must be one of the contractors, give me a name, do something.
The fact that the also bullied my teamlead (who is also a friend) out just adds to the fact that I am now looking for a new job. Fuck this shit, if you take me for granted and I hear no thank you ever, and I get THIS in return, I am leaving. See what you do without me and fuck you very much.

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League of Legends stuff:
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I joined a somewhat competitive team on LoL now. So although I am solo q not ranked very high, I am actually playing with Platinum and Diamond people in a team. It is very fun and I am learning a lot. The team has coaches and a captain and a proper training plan for team and solo. As I don’t have as much time on my hand as most of my team mates, I actually had to make my own solo plan so I can keep up. So far it is working fine.

Also about LoL: I did the placement matches, winning 7 and losing 3 had me end up 2 divisions higher than last season but that doesn’t mean a lot because it is still Bronze. Bronze 1 yes, and I get a ton of LP when I win, then again, I just lost promo. You know, I feel so helpless in matches where I am doing well, winning my lane, roaming and helping out but my team starts arguing and that is how we lose. Look, I am not going to be upset about losing if everybody did their best. But if my team decides that chatting, blaming, flaming, and raging is suddenly more important than trying to win, I get upset. Especially in my promo series. I am always muting everybody but you know that they are chatting all the time when they stop randomly for no good reason all the time.

On the other hand, my coach and my actual team have helped me improve a lot lately. I am increasing my champion pool for ADC and support so recently I am concentrating on Graves a bit more but when I really want to win, I will still play Caitlyn. For Support I started practising Blitzcrank because no one expects him to be played much any more.

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Birthday stuff:
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So today I had my birthday and I am not a birthday person. I will be happy when actual friends say something nice but randomly at work, that’s not my thing. I prefer to be left alone to be honest.
But I guess ALL my co-workers really like me because this is what happened.
I come in and one of my co-workers sees me and is like “Oh, it’s your b…” and I am just “shhhh” so she respects this and everybody around me who noticed this also kept quiet.
Then team lead who was not around for this sees me and he is Spanish so for some reason (and I say this with a smile and wink) he is unable to talk quietly. Just the clichee, he is lovely though, great guy. He sees me and goes like this:
“OH LEEEELAAA IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, NO?” *starts singing loudly*
Usually there isn’t much happening when he does that to others or anybody does something like that to someone who has their birthday. He and maybe 3 or 4 people around will sing as well.
But in this case, the whole floor (about 50 people) tune in and sing loudly.
Kinda surprising and sweet but I just really don’t enjoy being the centre of attention so this was very awkward.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Me-Monster

IMGA0743
This is the cake that I made today because I was invited to a birthday.
We went to this really nice Chinese place. And after a very very good dinner, we brought out the cakes. My friend also brought a very nice cake.

Baking is a major hobby of mine so I always try to make something very special for the occasion I bake for.

When I unwrapped it, the whole table gave me genuine “ooooh, nice!” And I must say, it feels very good when you get such a genuine positive reaction from 12 people at the same time for something you love doing.
They didn’t even want to cut into the cake because they said it’s too pretty.

Very very honestly, I never get such reactions for anything I do. People never give me such positive feedback UNLESS I bring a cake.
Of course I don’t bring a cake everywhere I go but for special occasions I like to.

Has any of you guys ever watched Brian Reagan? He talked about a “Me-Monster” and that is what happened at the party to me.
We had a “Me-Monster” there and it was not able to resist the urge to turn my cake into a “Me-Story”. How she had seen this AAAAMAAAAAZING wedding cake. And she went into great detail about that cake.
I am not someone who tries to top other people’s stories so I just let her tell the story, and then cake was served and people went back to loving my cake 😀
I am sorry, Me-Monsters annoy me slightly so I had to tell you about the one I met today 😀

Here is Brian Reagan’s piece about the Me-Monster:

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Birthday Blues

I turned 30 today. Fuck, I am old.

While I am keeping my mind young, sometimes I feel really old.

I became that person that says these things:

  • The music in my childhood was so much better!
  • Oh my goooosh, people don’t educate their kids anymore!
  • Girls should wear more!

I hated people saying this kind of stuff when I was 15…

In addition, most of the newer technology, I really honestly take forever to understand it while 15 years ago you would put a new piece in my hand and 10 minutes later I’d know how it works.
I learn slower. Not slow. In fact I am a very very quick learner but compared to 15 years ago it’s embarrassing.
My body doesn’t look as hot as it used to anymore. While I always had the feeling that I don’t look good, for real I actually used to look pretty neat. That’s over now.

My hobbies are still very similar to 15 years ago though. I am not making music anymore but instead moved to gaming. I still like cooking and baking and writing.

Apart from all the looking back and comparing me with myself…

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday at all.
I do enjoy nice thoughts, a cake, a gift, yes. But I hate the whole “Let’s be together and jolly.” No!
What’s my problem?
For example at work:
I have a pretty wonderful place of work (no sarcasm, I really love my work and the people there). I don’t have a problem with anybody in particular but I am not close to many either. So being called for cake and then having to do small talk with a team of people I usually rarely talk.
They were actually very thoughtful, I must say.
Knowing that I am allergic to chocolate, they got me apple tart and cheese cake. One coworker drew me a Volibear on the birthday card because he knows I like to play League of Legends.
Also those who sit with me, they did some pretty nice decorations on my desk.

In general I don’t like being the center of attention, so having pictures taken of me, being social, smiling, laughing, …. just a bit much.
And that constant reminder “Hey, how old are you now?”
My answer “I am finally 18!”
Hey, at least they stopped asking.

Facts:
The Matrix came out when I was about 15
I was a fan of the Kelly Family and Backstreet Boys when I was 12.
I was 5 when the Berlin Wall fell.
The first time I remember seeing Michael Jackson > he was still black (kinda)
Owning a computer was not a common thing when I was a teenager.
I got my first mobile phone for my 14th birthday (it was huge and heavy)
I am the last generation of late hippies (my mom is a full-blown hippie).

Music:
I sing loud “I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby!!” by Wheatus and feel young, doing that.
I enjoy CCR and Barcley James Harvest

TV:
I grew up with X-Files.
I also grew up with Star Trek.
I used to love Star Wars and the new EP 1-3 are not being accepted by me.
When I was little, the cool stuff on TV was Smurfs, Ewoks, and Muppet Show.
The Teletubbies first aired in my country when I was 17.

Yep, I am old….

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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