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Monthly Archives: October 2015

Just two things – Just a little rambling

First thing:

Lately work had become so stressful that I wasn’t able to sleep any more. My anxiety came back and I started feeling sick all the time. I can deal with stress but as soon as the stress becomes unreasonable, I don’t know how to deal with it. For example consider this:
We have to spend 40% of our time at work being ready to take calls. The other 60% we are good to put into working on tickets and other assignments. One ticket, overall, usually takes about 2 hours to solve the problem. In a lot of cases it takes much more and in some cases it takes less. So we are supposed to finish 4 a day. Well for some reason, on my market, the incoming tickets in the queue tripled and now we are getting them assigned like they are Christmas candy. So for about 3 weeks I have been stressing out and crumbling under the workload. Then I started talking to co-workers who are clearly not that stressed and I talked to my husband. Everybody basically told me to slow down, not break myself for this, and just do what I can and chill. So It took me another 3 days to actually put this mindset into practice. Today it finally worked out. I did not feel highly stressed. Currently I am not going on the phone and if someone asks,I can tell them why.
But yea, unreasonable stress is difficult to deal with because of its very nature. There is no common sense, no nothing behind it. It is just being generated for no good reason. And It is obviously one of the things I need to learn to deal with.

Second thing

I saw this video of someone telling his life story. And he focussed mainly on all the bad things that had happened to him. He explained a lot about how things used to be so difficult, how he was traumatized. He talked about abuse, therapy, religion, and so on. Over all it was about 45 minutes long. And I understand how things were very difficult for him. I get why felt and feels the way he described.
It kind of reminded me of my own life story. I hinted a few times, that it was not a rosy life that I had. There was enough bad stuff for two life times or even three. And at some point, for my own mental health and therapeutic reasons, I wrote as much of my life down, as I could. It was a huuuuge wall of text. Every time I remembered something again, I would add it to my wall of text. It felt good to get it all out. But to be honest, not everything was bad. There are some things that were nice, like just generally the fact that I grew up on the country side until I was 14 or so. And in my wall of text, I was also adding those things.
In the end, reading it all, yes, the negatives are far more, but I wouldn’t be able to stay sane if this is what I would focus on all the time. Looking forward is sometimes the best thing. Leaving the past in the past can be very healthy. But I had to learn it. I understand if someone needs to get it all out at least once. I think it is part of the process of letting things go.

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Posted by on October 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Favourite childhood memory anyone?

I just saw something on my Facebook wall.

“My favourite childhood memory does not pay bills”

And I got to think. First I was associating with this the profession I wanted to have. I always wanted to become a psychologist or “something with animals”. Never made it. Now I sit in a call center of a software company. Pays the bills though.

But it said “memory” there, so I thought of what my favourite childhood memory is and realized that it took me a few minutes to dig out some nice childhood memories. But there is no childhood memory that I could call my favourite.

I always liked when we made music together or when we would craft something at home. I liked when we would go to the zoo. I liked playing in the theatre club at school. I liked going to the choir. I loved animals and I loved to be left alone.

There are some very nice memories that I have. Not a lot mind me, my childhood was not very rosy. But I hold a few memories.

  • My grandma would always put those Christmas candy and chocolates on the Christmas tree and I was always allowed to take one when I came for a visit. And I was allowed to turn the light on in the little nativity set.
  • One year my mom put real candles on the Christmas tree. And she explained to me how to space them and where to put them and why we needed a bucket of water there. It looked beautiful. That year, Christmas was very nice over all.
  • My dad never had much time to do fun things with me because he wasn’t around much but once he went on a hike in the forest with me. And we drank from a little tiny river there. The water was very clean and clear and I could see the colourful pebbles on the river bed.
  • My dad also went fishing with me and I liked that a lot because I was allowed to swim in that lake as long as I would keep some distance to where he was fishing. And then he showed me how to swim on your back and how to clean out a fish.

But this is already all. There are other nice memories, yes, but they are all attached to something bad that happened that day because the bad that happened was my normal and usual. The rare thing would be a day without bad news and without a horrible fight or some mental abuse.
I am not saying this to whine. I had my ways to deal back then. It is simply to make this point that I find it so incredibly hard to find good memories that are not attached to something bad.

No one has a perfect life, I know. I just found it weird that everybody seems to have an easy time to remember lots of nice things from their childhood. So many in fact that it is possible to pick a favourite. And I have a list of exactly four purely positive memories.

Mind me, I am talking before teenage as we were talking childhood here. I would probably find one or two more memories if we added teenage years to this.

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Annoying, shitty, asshole people

So there are people who I just want to punch in the face with a chair sometimes.

Here a few:

  • Teamlead A: Hiding 80 percent of the day by pretending to be in meetings when in real she is just sitting in the minikitchen or typing stuff alone in a meeting room. Everybody knows she is not in meetings btw. When you need something, she will tell you to send a mail. Then she will never respond. When you come to her desk because it is an urgent matter, she will ask unrelated questions and tell you a useless information. Ah and the best are general phrases that people should do certain things better, unrelated to wether or not I am doing that thing wrong or not and when I say that I am doing it, she throws her hands in the air, shrugging and telling me that it’s just feedback.
    Thanks for nothing and fuck you very much, bitch.
  • Teamlead B: Only in half the day because reasons. During that half day he literally sits on his desk solving rubik’s cubes. And once in a blue moon he will fill out some exel that no one needs. I am serious here. If you send an email because you need help, he will do nothing but then 5 minutes before he leaves he will tell you that he didn’t get to it.
    Thanks for nothing, fucker. You are useless!
  • Team member in spare time project.
    Me: “I was told you wrote down what you guys talked about in the skype meeting. Could you share that with me please?”
    Him: “Sure, I saved it on the drive, let me look for the link.”
    Me: “Thanks.”
    Him: “Here. It is in this shared drive. You can find it with the title xyz”
    Me: “Ah great, thank you!”
    Him: “Which is shared on the facebook group”
    Like do you NEED to have the last word? Do you NEED to teach me a lesson here? Can you please just tell me to check the group or hint me in the direction instead of carrying on like this? Is a “thank you” not enough? Want me to kneel and ask forgiveness for asking an information that you are supposed to provide anyway because you are in fucking charge of that shit?
  • The coworker who cannot see when I work and need to not be interrupted even when I say “I need to finish this. Can you wait a minute?” Is this not hint enough for you to shut the fuck up and leave me alone? Every time it is SOOOO important just so you can tell me some pointless bullshit. I have shit to do just like you. Respect that. Respect that if I do not respond I am doing shit and just leave me the fuck alone!

I am very stressed lately, so things that I would usually ignore, just annoy me so much more.

Especially those people who do not know how shut up and need to have the last word no matter what. I hate that shit. Dragging the conversation on for no good reason but just so you can have the last word, see the team member thing. Like give me some raw info and then leave me be. I am old enough to not need the bullshit. If you are busy or annoyed or just don’t feel like it, just say so and get lost. I will find my way without you too.

FFS people suck so much.

Thanks, rant over.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

FRUSTRATION

So I have a friend or a vampire. I am not sure what I have.

I used to work with her. And when I left the company, we kept in touch.

A long time ago she was in a car accident and she ended up in a wheel chair.

It was a horrible experience for her but she got lucky. Why do I say that? Well the health system in Ireland is not very good. But she had private health insurance. The health insurance covered the costs of the hospital. She also was able to keep her job (not the same position but at least the same company). She can only work part time so the health insurance tops up her pay.

The one thing that is really crappy, and I understand that, is the fact that she has to live in an old people’s home while she is still young and, considering her situation, very independent.

While I kept in touch and saw her posting on facebook about her living situation and how much she wants out of there, I thought I can try and help her out. I offered her to help her find a wheel chair friendly place. Of course I had to ask a few questions first so I am not telling her the things she already knows. Thing like is there something the state does, is there this and that. But during the conversation I never got the feel that she wants the help. She kept complaining openly about her housing situation and when I approached her a second time to propose some stuff, I got the same reaction.

Ok, so you don’t want help but you do want to complain publicly though. Fine with me. I will not react to it any more. I will ignore it.

She has started to lose weight last year and by now she lost an amazing amount and looks very good. So I, along with other people, congratulated her. I also asked her how she did it.

And here is what pissed me off:

Her answer was something about listening to what her body needs and that if she can do it, then every walker can do it too. The fact that she is so bitter that she calls people “walkers” (and being well aware of The Walking Dead) because they are not in a wheelchair, is not cool. She became so bitter about her situation that she needs to release that frustration on to the few people who keep a cool head and try to help.

For as long as I kept in touch, she seems like she is keeping busy but she keeps complaining about things and while she does that, she does nothing to change her situation. She has become very bitter and I understand that. She is in a very frustrating situation but if she keeps pushing those people away who are trying to help her and keeps the people who just feed into her state of mind, then that is not just very unhealthy, but also she is pushing the only ones away, who can help her get out of the situation.

And before comments come in about “maybe she doesn’t want help.” or “Did you ask her if she wants help.”
I actually asked her if she would like some help with this. After all her big problem that she lives in that problem and I can help with that very well. She said that, yes, she would like that. And when I gave her input on what she can do she pushed it away. Not saying that she tried these things already, but just pushing it away.

After 5 years of this, I am getting tired of it. She complains and complains, does nothing to change the situation, and basically expects the Irish state to simply poof something for her into existence. That is not going to happen though, and that fact frustrates her even more, because she is aware of that.

It tires me and although I understand that she needs friends, I don’t think I am right for it. I will not feed into her self pity and bitterness. She only reacts positively to that feeding behaviour though. I am not that person, sorry….

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2015 in Uncategorized