Monthly Archives: February 2014

Finding Tiger

I am trying to find Tiger

If you read my previous article > I mentioned a “Tiger” there.
She wasn’t just a crush for me. She was very important, she made me feel like a normal person and not like a freak.
I was this weird and desoriented teenage girl with a hippie mother and two out-of-control brothers. I had all those mental problems and didn’t just feel but actually was different.

When I first met Tiger back then, I just thought she was cool. She did a great job juggling, she taught me a lot of it. She had an open ear for my questions and most of all, she did not judge me by appearance or because I’d be acting a little weird sometimes.
I felt mentally save in her presence, the crush on her came much later.

Years later, when I was on a date with some girl, I saw her entering the same cafe with her own date. She recognized me, smiled at me but sadly we didn’t get to talk. I wish my date would have stopped babbling for a minute so I could have said “hi” to Tiger. I never saw her again after that.
Thinking back, she might have been one of the most important people for me back then and her influence on me is still present to this day.

If you are Tiger, and you are reading this, please message me!
If you know Tiger, and you are reading this, please message me or tell her to message me!

This is Tiger:
I have no picture of you.
I do know your full birth name, at least the one you carried back then, around 2000.You should be around 40 years of age now.
You have a large tatoo on your leg.
Your natural hair color was dark blond I think but as far as I remember you had it dyed.
Back then you were studying English and I remember that you were in Scotland or Ireland for a while (maybe one semester or so?)
You were at Zirkus Trau Dich in Munich and you taught me to juggle.
Last time I saw you was in “Glockenbackviertel” in Munich, that was aprox. 9 years ago.
I would love to hear from you!
So if you are reading this, please message me.

My contact email: clos3rlook <dot> at gmail <dot> com
If you are Tiger and you mail me, please mention your birthname in that email so I know it’s you and not a sick joke.

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Posted by on February 25, 2014 in Uncategorized


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My coming out story

Trigger warning. If you are mentally unstable or depressed, you might wanna skip this as there are many triggers.

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I am bi and now many people who read this will be like “Yeah right, what did you have to come out? Leave the coming out to all gays and lesbians, they got the real problems.”

And exactly that’s the problem. First of all, I am not just bi I am also gender queer and an atheist (the atheist part is another story though). Yep, I got a lot to come out and I am not out with everybody about everything. It’s a weird situation I am finding myself in. Usually I don’t care much. I try to kind of move the topic away from me.
My conclusion after a lot of mental stress and depression was > I am me. I just don’t fit in a box.

That’s just what I ended up with but let’s start from the beginning:
I was raised by a hippie. My mom let my brothers play with dolls and she let me play with cars. My brothers got barbies just like I got legos. Everything was great.
When my parents split up I stayed with my dad for a while. Not for long but he gave my boy-ish side exactly what I needed. We went fishing, fixed bikes, stripped wires, boxed in the living room, went to the shooting range, went on long hiking trips etc. It was not a perfect life with my dad and indeed I wanted to be with my mom but he did give me something that I never got from my mom.
My mom gave me exactly what my girl side needed. We crafted, made music, baked, etc.
There was never any talk about sexuality with me apart from the technical part. I knew how babies are made from a very early age. But that was pretty much it. There was never a talk about straight/bi/gay. There was never anything about what’s “normal” or “natural”.
The normal doctor playing, that kids just do, I did that with girls and boys. No one ever told me or my friends that looking at each other is not ok, so we looked, because we were curious.
When it comes to love, I never really understood it or felt it (but that’s another topic). I did understand, on an intellectual level, that people fall in love with each other.

I had my first real crush when I was in 11 years old. A boy in my circus group. A few more boy crushes followed and then we moved from the country-side to the city. At the new school I had crush on a girl for the first time. I had never heard of “gays” or “lesbians” before and knowing that “normally” a girl falls in love with a boy, I felt odd about it. I pressed this feeling away for a while. I never told her.

Her name was Susanne.

My brother introduced me to a group that was for poor kids. Basically a program to get poor kids off the street once a week and play circus together. I went there with my brother and learnt to juggle and to be a clown. I had my second girl crush there. I was 14 at that point and I liked the person that taught me juggling. We ended up leading the juggling group together later on. I never told her that I had a crush on her but I loved to be close to her. She had a bit ofย  a boy-ish touch to her, just as I did, and I could relate to her really well.

Her name was Tiger.

After Tiger I didn’t have a real boy-crush for a long time. Tiger had left a big impression on me.
I liked McGyver and Keanu Reeves, but who didn’t ๐Ÿ˜€

We lived in the gay-district of the city and this is the first time that I learnt about gays and lesbians. Not much though. I knew that guys could be with guys and girls could be with girls. I knew, again just intellectually at first, that they would do sexual things to each other but I did not have the imagination as to what could they do or anything like that. There was a gay bar right across the street and they had a “dark room”. My mom explained to me what a dark room is at that point.

When I turned 15 I was sure that I was a lesbian. I felt no need to tell anybody. I felt that it was no big deal. I did talk to my mom; what if I was lesbian and she said it would be fine, she’d accept that. That was all I needed to know and I let the whole thing rest.

We moved again after a while and I went to a new school again. I thought I was lesbian so imagine my confusion having a strong crush at both a girl and a boy in my class at the same time. At this point I was 16 or so. I felt that I really wanted to have my first time soon which made me very insecure about myself. I looked pretty good at that point and the guy I had a crush on actually (as I think back) had a crush on my too but nothing ever happened.

His name was Thomas.

The following years were just a very weird and very confusing time. Realizing that in addition to weirdly liking both genders (and never having heard of the concept of bi-sexuality) I also started realizing that I am not as girly as society expected from me.
“What a freak I am! I am weird and I am horrible!”
For various reasons I had already been clinically depressed for many years, so this just pushed me deeper into it. I didn’t realize that I was depressed until long after this time. Being humor less and thinking pessimistic about everything was just me, I functioned like a robot with all my issues, including gender and love, being pushed away so I could keep functioning.

I moved out when I was 21 and I started researching sexuality more once I got internet. And no, it was not porn. I actually researched what was wrong with me. I ended up learning a lot and I found the concept of bi-sexuality and that I am not the only person to feel that way. Just now a new problem came up for me. My mom had made weird comments about homosexuality for a long time. While I would fantasize about people my own gender, she obviously had this opinion that being lesbian is ugly.
I came out anyways because I found it important that if I come visit with a girlfriend, she should be prepared for that. She said that she didn’t care at all.
Maybe not as bad as being cast out of the family but bad enough considering how deeply depressed I was already at that point.

Feeling more and more how odd I am and how no one seemed to understand me, realizing that I still hadn’t had a relationship, trying to push away several traumatic experiences, … it was enough for me. I couldn’t handle it and I had no one to talk to. I stopped caring about myself. I have asthma and because I started hating myself so much, I started torturing my own body. I would not use my inhaler and then would go for a run until my lungs burnt and my hands and legs shook so bad that I couldn’t even unlock my door anymore, to go back home.
I would do push ups on my fists, punch walls, and even cut myself at some point. In addition I couldn’t sleep anymore and stopped eating.
At some point my two best friends made me realize how bad I am doing and that I should get help. So I did. (Thank you Andy and Sandy!! You were the only people who cared enough to say something!!)
Just that the therapy didn’t help. At some point the therapy was over and nothing was fixed.

At this point I figured that it wasn’t worth living anymore. I was 22 now and I planned my suicide. I didn’t tell anybody about it. I had planned that I am going to get my pets into good hands and then just do it. The day I wanted to do it, because it just felt like a good moment, somehow I didn’t. I stood at the edge, my brain wanted me to move forward this last step but… nothing. I wasn’t scared but my brain went clear for a moment. My thoughts were off for a tiny moment, and it felt good, and so I wanted to try once more.

I started working out my problems again. I realized that being bi is not a problem. I realized that I am not a girl in my brain but I also understood that I couldn’t change that. I met with a girl that I had met on the internet. She was super-nice and cute and sadly as shy as I was. We wanted to do it ๐Ÿ˜‰ We never did because we were too shy.
I met with another girl. Turned out she had a girlfriend and wanted to cheat on her with me. Me having a feeling of honor, I did not want that. So no, I never called her again after that one evening at the cafe where nothing happened apart from her telling me how bad her relationship was.

I had a few very short romantic encounters with guys and then I met my husband.
Yes, I live in a straight relationship and my husband knows that I am bi.
I met him in an MMO. The first thing I ever told him was “I like your clothes” because his outfit in the game was cool. Not one day has passed since that first encounter, where we didn’t speak (apart from once when I had no internet for two days).
For the first time there was a person in my life who wanted me exactly for what I am and who did not judge me.

Coming out to him as being queer and feeling more guy-ish than girl-ish was difficult for me and I did that a year into our marriage. I was nervous and scared and the thoughts in my head just circled and mixed and circled and mixed. I had thought about what and how to talk but it didn’t come out how I wanted it. After I was done talking, he told me that he knew all of this and he was fine with it and that this is why he liked me. I had exactly the right amount of woman and exactly the right amount of guy in me.


Back to today.
I am playing minecraft on the server of a gay-website. People are really nice most of the time and today someone logged on and he told us his coming-out story.
He told us how difficult it was for him with his abusive father, being thrown out by his mother. He pretty much experienced the exact horror that many gay people are afraid of. Many are not coming out exactly because of it. They don’t want to lose friends and family over it so they keep it a secret. I felt so sad – once again. A few guys on the server also said how difficult it is for them and one even said that from the point of him realizing that he is gay until today, it’s been almost 7 years that he kept this secret. This is so horrible and painful that I could cry! I understand the kind of pain that these men must feel, I felt it too. I felt it different but I felt it and it was so horrible that I wanted to kill myself.

Our society teaches us that being gay or being off the norm is not ok – not normal – not natural – not christian – not conform – not whateverthefucktheywant

So here the counters:
Not normal: No one is normal!
Not natural: There have been many instances where animals were homosexual. I personally knew a guineapig, heard of swans, and cats who preferred their own gender as a mate.
Not christian: Brainwash someone else please!
Not conform: I do not have to be conform!

Please guys and gals!
Love yourself and care about yourself!
Please find people you feel safe with and talk to them instead of doing horrible things to yourself like I did.
Please don’t feel ashamed for being gay! Your are great the way you are.
You are worthy being loved and you are worthy loving.
You may be hurting now but it will go away and you will grow on it. Yes, you will actually grow on it.
You will never look back and say “Oh it wasn’t that bad” because that’s not true. But you will understand people better and you will learn.

If you feel suicidal, you can always call the emergency number > Europe 112 / US 911
LGBT support:
If you feel that you have no one to talk to, you don’t want to see a therapist, and you feel very down, also feel free to message me. In that case, please email me: clos3rlook <at> gmail <dot> com. Even if I can’t really do much, I can at least read your email and answer and you will have someone to talk to. If you email me, please consider that I live in GMT +0 so I might not be able to answer right away (work / time difference).

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Posted by on February 8, 2014 in Uncategorized


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