Monthly Archives: March 2016

Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?


Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized


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Updates on work and life

So I have recently handed in my resignation and from that moment on, I felt energized. All the pressure from this work has fallen off me.


For now, I have an ever-growing backlog that I cannot work off but you know what, as sorry as I am for those staying in that place, those who will have to work off anything I leave behind, I just cannot give a flying fuck about it. Just really no fucks given whatsoever.


I am counting my days down: 13 work days to go, not even 3 weeks any more.

I will make a big, detailed post about the company and what is going on and why it broke me so fast. But I will make that post, once I left the company, so that it won’t bite me in the ass. I have to make it, so I get closure and can move on.

Other than being super salty about work but super hyped that I get my old job back?

I currently plan several trips around Ireland as a birthday present for my husband and I. Usually we celebrate together because our birthdays are very close together. I want to show him Galway, Aran Islands, Rock of Cashel, and the Cliffs of Moher.
I will have one week off, and I hope that we can do this financially. I count on getting some money back from health insurance, and also my tax money back.

With all this new energy I found, I also finally know something I want to study and upon my husband’s request, will trial a website that he suggested. I forgot the name but apparently it has tons of courses available and it is a monthly subscription but pretty much All-You-Can-Eat when it comes to the courses.
I want to go for camera man, film making, movie editing, etc. All these things. It is very interesting to me and I want to become good at it.
After that I would like to go for some media things, whatever I can find.
I will also pick my Swedish studies back up because it is so fun to learn Swedish but before I quit, I had lost all my will and energy to do anything.

Right now I am busy with my gaming community as we are re-launching the website with a lot of changes. And we are working hard on keeping our deadline on Friday.
Today, after work, I have done nothing but plan things, write stuff, and plan more things. We should be ready by Friday.

Also leaving the LARP I currently play in because the ST team sucks. The game itself is a great idea, non-combat, a political game. But I am just not happy with how the game is being managed.

Instead, I am currently working out a great idea for my first own LARP that I will run with a friend of mine. It will be based on a novel I am currently reading. We already did some brain storming and are pretty much on the same page with everything. We just need some time now, to work everything out.

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Posted by on March 2, 2016 in Uncategorized