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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Holiday season is knocking at the door

Falling-autumn-leaves-divider

So Halloween is over, we see the shops preparing Christmas treats and decorations while Thanksgiving is coming closer. Autumn is showing us so many colours and how that slight tilt, that makes our planet wobble through the year, change the lenght of the day.

But while so many nice and beautiful things are happening due to the season and nature, now all the hatred and the fights are starting too.

People complain because it is not December yet but shops are selling Christmas stuff.
People complain that Starbucks has red holiday cups without pretty pictures on it.
Christians complain that people of different or no faith say “happy holiday” rather than “happy Christmas”.
People complain that it is getting cold and dark.

Isn’t it a shame, during such a nice time of the year, that everybody has to complain even more than usually? Why would you poison your own happiness and your own holiday and your own autumn? Why is it so important to you that the shops only sell Christmas things in December and that a Buddhist won’t say “Happy Christmas”?

The thing with the shops, for example, is very smart.
Families with low income can prepare in advance. Get some nice things, one at a time, two month in advance and still have nice holidays which they would not be able to afford if shops wouldn’t sell the stuff early. And the shops don’t miss out on any business either. It is a win win situation. I am one of the people who have to start buying Christmas stuff early. I bought Stollen and first decorations a month ago. I keep taking a piece of two every week because only this way I will be able to afford a nice Christmas.

And this brings me to the next point.

This question:
“If you are not religious, then why do you want Christmas off?”
Easy. First of all, if you get a day off, it is only fair for me to get one as well.

Apart from that, and as I mentioned last year in a post, Christmas is originally not a Christian holiday and it has been artificially moved to the 25th back then. It did not use to be there.
So what I celebrate on Christmas is completely different from you.
I celebrate nature, the circle of the year, the circle of life, the seasons, the fact that the days are getting longer again, Life itself, a time of warmth, a time of love and giving, a time of holding together and pulling through. It is a time where I recab the year. What have I accomplished and where do I want to go? What do I have to change in my life and what should stay they way it is? It is a time where nature shows us who is boss. It is a time of being humble and thoughtful.
AND
It is a time of great food, of the most colourful decorations. A time of playing with light and candles. A time of doing things with your family. Baking, cooking, having long walks outside, going to the Christmas market, of smelling cinnamon and oranges, of seeing the nice decorations on people’s houses, of wonderful music and theatre.

Oh yes, I as an atheist have a lot to celebrate and yes, I want some time off as well, just like everybody else.

So this year, let’s try not to hate so much, how about that.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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