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Level up

Once again I have levelled up. I am now 32 levels old and it is weird but things change although inside you feel nothing has changed while you also feel like everything has.

Am I even making sense?

I don’t celebrate my birthday usually. I will go along when others prepare something for me and I enjoy it. It is nice to know someone has thought about me. But I won’t make a big fuzz of my birthday. A cake for work (although not in my current job) if I feel like it. There are many reasons but mainly I get very … “thinky”. I recab my life until now and how it improved from my childhood /teenage years up to now. Like the mom of my best friend during my teenage years once said to me “Your life is like a badly written novel.” Well, not anymore, ma’am.

But how was today?

Today I had the most normal day. Nothing really special for birthday. At least not special for mine.
I had an eye test and found out I need glasses. Before the eye test I went to check my balance on my bank account to see if I could afford glasses right away. And it said roundabout 400 Euro. For two weeks is fine. I was thinking of buying a nice thing for my husband because he has his birthday this week as well and I wanted to see if I find a nice thing for him.
Well I had to pay almost 300 euro for the glasses and the eye test. So yea… Kinda panicked at that point because 2 weeks for 2 people with not even 100 euro left, no electricity or bus tickets bought.
Later found out that my husband had some money so yea things are fine. But that was a nice shock for a birthday.
Anyway, I am currently really sick so wanted to take it slow today and just rest a lot. Well did not get to that. Our flat looked horrific and I just couldn’t look at it any more. And no matter how sick I am, I have to get at least the worst of it done. So cleaned around, dishes, laundry. baked some stuff. Made a nice cake for birthday. Mostly for the man, not for me. Because I don’t make a nice cake for myself.
Watched some stuff on Netflix while doing my thing. But I can feel how it is taking it’s toll now. I am just really really sick. I was before but it is not getting better because I am not resting.

Apart from that, thinking back on my life and what I got now.
Like the way I grew up and how I have always been depressed. And at some point got diagnosed with bpd (depression being one of the symptoms), when I finally attempted to receive help.
Like how I beat the symptoms of my bpd on a daily basis and it only rarely ever shows through any more.
Like how poor I grew up and how grim my outlook was just about 6 years ago and how well I am doing now compared to that. Not great but well at least, and that is a huge step.

My thinking has changed and not changed.
Sometimes I click through this blog and I see a post from a year or longer ago and I would still agree on the things I wrote then 100 percent. But I look back on older blogs that I had before this one and I am interested how radically some of my views have changed. For example my view on military. On another blog, in a community I am in, I wrote about military in a delusional way where nowadays I have to face palm that this was what I really thought back then
But then there are areas where I have always been thinking the same way. Like equality, fairness, justice, rights, honour, etc.
I am also still a hippie inside. But it is so hard in this current world and society to let that shine through. Those nice ideas to save people, the world, society… Just getting crushed permanently.

My personal struggles are the same but they are less frequent.
I still don’t feel like a woman inside and sometimes it makes me feel very… dark inside. I can’t even describe it. It is a horrible struggle between, loving my husband too much to go for transitioning and feeling that I am not me until I get to transition. Hard to deal with that, especially around things like women’s day or so.
I think this is my actual only personal struggle I have. I am pretty sure that a lot of my underline issues would be solved if I got to transition. But although my husband understands that my mind is not female and he loves me for that, he just is not into male bodies and he expressed clearly that he doesn’t know if a relationship would be possible if I transitioned. Yea it hits me hard once in a while. On occasions like my birthday, hooray. So questions why I don’t feel like celebrating?

 

Ah well, I guess I will just dive into the next year and see what happens.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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An Atheist Christmas

So I thought, especially for those people, who are still wondering, how an Atheist would celebrate Christmas if they don’t believe in God/Jesus.

Here is how my husband and I are doing it:

I got lucky this year and was able to take the whole Christmas week off. Even Thursday and Friday before, I was already off work.
I had started ordering the presents for my husband early to make sure that they will be here in time. The gifts arrived when I was home sick with a pretty bad lung infection. But I still wanted to go and pick them up so that is what I did.

Once I got off work I started decorating a little bit here and there. Got those candles where every Sunday towards Christmas you light one more. Got a tree and put some nice ornaments on it. The tree topper became a tree middler because it did not fit on the tip. Here is a picture:
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Last Thursday (18th), we went to the Christmas market and had some fun, trying new things and looking at other things. Here are some pictures:

Then last Friday I started planning on what I wanted to bake in terms of cookies and other goodies. This past Monday I wanted to make a tricky type of cookie that did not come out as intended but it is still tasty. I had to run some ideas by my mom, who I bothered with baking questions and ideas via Facebook.

Saturday and Sunday I really just ran numbers to ensure we can afford everything and so on. Normal stuff when your pay comes in. Apart from that we were planning on how we would spend the week, when to cook what, when to do shopping, etc.
Just a normal weekend to be honest. Borrowed a guitar from a friend so I got to make some music. Also did a good amount of gaming and fell into bed at 2 am.

Monday we went out for a pint. My husband is studying some stuff and there is always a nice big meet-up when the term ends. So we went there and we went early because there was a lot of nice Christmas stuff in that town. Here are two pictures:

Tuesday I wanted to bake a little more but I got caught up in shopping for ingredients and cleaning up. So I only made one type of cookies. In the end of the day I just played a bit and then went to bed.

Wednesday I went completely nuts with the food preparation.
We have a little tradition, my man and I. One of the days surrounding Christmas, I will make my Christmas chicken, and one of those days he will make some kind of meat-filled cabbage rolls (traditional to where he comes from).
So I got up around 12 noon and set up two cookie doughs. It sounds more than it is because I just split the dough and put cocoa in one half. I then had egg whites left over from the day before and decided that I will make baiser (stiff whipped egg white with sugar in it, dried in the oven) from that. So I prepared it, put it in the oven, set a timer to 90 minutes, and went out to get a chicken.
Once back, I started to prepare the chicken and it was ready for the oven just when the baiser was done.
So the chicken went in and I had ground almonds at home so I decided to make marzipan. It is actually very easy so I did that. The marzipan has to rest for two hours so the flavours come out properly before you continue. So now I had two cookie doughs and the marzipan all in the bathroom (coldest room in the house) to rest, because my fridge was (and still is) so full that nothing else will fit in there.
The chicken took about 3 hours and came out delicious but here is the thing. The chicken went in at about 6pm so it was done around 9pm. That was one late dinner. I still had to clean that mess up and finish the cookies.
Of course the marzipan was done at some point so I could finish my little coated marzipan balls during the day, between brushing the chicken and cleaning the house.
But now it was almost 10pm and I wanted to finish those cookies. So I went to play, of course 😀 Around 11 I put the cookies in the oven and they were cold and glazed and dried by about 2pm.

Today, Christmas eve, yes we do Christmas eve on 24th in the evening.
Everything was just relaxed. Got up about 12 noon again and prepared some breakfast: Croissants, bacon, eggs. Messed up my waffle iron with the eggs because yes, I waffled the scrambled egg thing but it was too much egg so it came out on the sides. Took me forever to clean that mess up.
After that, I set up a nice platter with cookies and ginger bread and such nice things.
Here is a picture:
20151224_145548Played a little, listened to music. The husband started cooking his thing at some point and it was done around 7pm. I brought some to our friend and neighbour who declined an invitation for dinner because he is sick.
When the man stepped out of the flat for a few minutes to hack some portals (playing ingress) I had Santa come and put the presents under the tree. So once he came back, he wanted to have santa come and put presents under the tree too, so I was banned from the kitchen (“Don’t you have something to do in the bathroom?!”)
So we exchanged some pretty cool presents. Sadly I was not able to get the right size of the chef-jacket I got for him, so we will have to see what we do about that. I guess I will buy another one at a store in the city with him to come along and try it on.
I received parts for my Aiden Pearce cosplay and a Watchdogs bag.
After that, we set up our traditional “bed-picknick” to watch movies and do some coma eating:
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So as you can see. Apart from all the religious parts missing, an Atheist Christmas is pretty much the same as Christmas in a religious family.
Music, tree, good food, family, friends, visiting the market, shopping, gifts, and lots of love.

Now to end this post even nicer, here is some very very nice Atheist Christmas Carol by Vienna Teng:

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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