Tag Archives: life

About studying and life and a pickle

So if you saw my last post with the wishlist, you saw the points about getting into online marketing and video editing a little more. Mainly because I would love my Youtube channels to grow. All three of them. But how? Right?

Over all, whatever I end up studying, I would like it to be something I enjoy studying, and something that might even help me in my career, looking forward.

So after some thinking I thought about Media Studies and I have just started to look into where to study that around here, what it would cost, and what courses etc etc. The stuff you gotta look up if you wanna go back to school.

I then also talked to my husband. And I love him to bits, he does keep my feet on the ground. But he has this habit of probing. Basically he will ask me questions to have me think, maybe just answer for myself, etc. Just so I won’t jump into something that sounds nice for five minutes and then drop it.

The problem is that this is the exact same way that was used on my all my life in order to stop me from achieving any goals that I wanted to achieve.
Very early on I had in my mind to become a psychologist or veterinarian. Both Psychology and animals have always been interesting to me and especially animals, up to this day, are something I would love to work with day in day out. But we were dirt poor. Buying certain books for high school was already almost too much so of course uni wasn’t anywhere close to possible. The money was the main reason why, at 13 years old, I decided to move one school type lower, because we wouldn’t have to buy so many things for school there. (Yes my mother left this kind of decision up to me completely)

So I had to find a new thing to be passionate about. I had always loved music and was very talented but didn’t really see that as a career for myself.
So what will I do with my life? What is my goal? At 14 / 15 you are supposed to choose what career path you want to go down.
I decided on computer science, although it would be incredibly hard for me because the branch that taught computer science at my school, was the same branch that had a heavy focus on maths and I am really not a maths person.

Guess what, my mom talked me out of it. We had no computer and no money to get one. No matter how much I loved computers, consoles, and all of it, there was no way to do it financially. And apparently the fact that there was a computer room for me to go and study didn’t matter because maths… Well.

So I looked into less conventional things, while moving onto the art branch of my school (that btw head the same heavy focus on maths as the computer science, but fuck logic).

I had always been invested into everything circus. I was juggling, I went on stage as a clown regularly, I had started to ride the unicycle, I was sporty and knew some acrobatics. I followed circus competitions and volunteered at circus project.
So I thought, I would love to go to the circus. I would not get rich with it but I would become happy. I still believe that to this day but the time to make it true is over.
Of course I was not encouraged to go to the circus.

So I thought about going to the sea. I was into ships and boats and into sailing. I was a great swimmer, and as I mentioned very fit. My graduation class had a graduation trip to the Netherlands to go sailing for a week. And I loved it. I learnt, I spoke to the skipper about possibly getting on his ship when he needs a Maat, etc. I told my teacher that if he hears back from the skipper to please let me know. And low and behold, two months later he told me that the skipper was now looking for a Maat and he gave me the phone number. I spoke to my mom about it and who discouraged me again?
I was 18 years old, in my last year of school. I wasn’t going to graduate because of maths and chemistry. I wasn’t willing to repeat the year either at 18 years old.
My mother wanted to see me as a pre-school teacher but that school would only take me with a graduation. So I had to do the long way. Go for child care assistant. Work for two years, then go back to school.
Turns out I stopped after child care assistant and worked 4 years before leaving the profession. Don’t get me wrong, I am really good at being a child care assistant. But it is not what I ever wanted to achieve. I studied it so I have a job, not because I wanted it.

I am now the age where I can make my own decisions and as long as I can finance the uni / college, I feel I should go for it.
Sometimes I feel my time is running out. My life is just slowly starting to become stable. There is so much I want to do with my life. Study, children, travel, animals, house, hobbies, etc.
I want to invest time into studying especially because I love learning new things. I just feel that I get too many hurdles.

My husband and I talked it through, and I pretty much got his blessing after a very long talk. But I just don’t have thousands and thousands of euro just laying on my bedside table, waiting to be spent.
I guess I am in a bit of a pickle…

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Posted by on January 19, 2016 in Uncategorized


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Pride Parades

I went to my first pride parade when I was 15. It was in Munich and they called it “Christopher Street Day”.

My mom took me there back then. She told me that it is fun to see all the people so happy and dressed up in a big parade. She was right actually. I remember seeing a fun parcour-race-thing through our window, where some cross-dressers were running on high heels. Very fun and entertaining.
But I realised relatively quick that day that I enjoyed being there for more than just entertainment.
Well at 15 it wasn’t clear to me why I connected so well to the people in the parade and why it made me so extraordinarily happy to be there.
I went again the next year and then didn’t make it for the following few years. Only in recent years I have the time and the means to go again.

I have never been a big activist although I always held strong opinions. I just feel like I personally accomplish more for myself if I am simply true to myself. That is something that I only understood slowly and the full bandwidth of what that means is becoming more and more clear to me. It is not easy to be true to myself in every day life.

The Pride Parades all over the world stand exactly for that in my eyes.
They are about:

  • Being true to yourself.
  • Being honest to others.
  • Educating society
  • Acceptance
  • Equality for everybody
  • Showing that people who are not sexually and gender conform are still people

In every day life it is so difficult sometimes. People are used to stereo types. It just helps them understand the world. And if you are not the stereo type, people find it weird and difficult to deal with. They are unequipped to deal with a person that is not like the rest.
born this way

So what do people like me do on a daily basis?
Keep quiet, put on the “conformity mask”, and be our true self only at home behind closed doors. We tend to push aside the fact how much this can hurt us deep inside. We tend to push aside the fact that society should just accept people for who and what they are. It is difficult.

I am bisexual.
This is something that most people at least kinda get. For being bisexual, I am not a complete weirdo. Somehow I am “normal” but I also like girls. Somehow I am conform enough for people to not start asking silly questions. Sometimes I am being seen as the person that just can’t decide whether to be gay or straight but I am fine with that. Porn, the media, and the fact that girls sometimes randomly complement each other, did their job well in society.

I am gender queer.
This is something I need to hide. Every day when I leave my flat I gotta put on a mask. Yes, people know that I like odd things for a girl. But they, of course, do not understand that my whole brain is just not female. And no, “tomboy” does really not fit my profile. If I’d be myself outside my home, people would have a problem with my behaviour. It is not conform at all. There are a few outlets and the fact that at home, with my husband, I can be myself.
I do not behave lady like and being treated like a woman is very odd to me. I understand the good intention, after all I do look very female. But it feels weird.
Behind my closed doors, when I am with my husband or with very close friends, I will have too many male treats and that confuses people.
My behaviour sometimes seems contradicting, when, for example, I play with a nice knife and half an hour later do my nails. But that is me.

Pride Parades give me the hope that one day, people like me will be accepted fully and as a complete person, not just as what the eye meets.

I want to be able to:

  • go to work with a “man shirt” and a vest without being looked at weirdly.
  • talk about what I want and the way I want outside my home
  • talk technical details about stuff at a shop instead of the fact that I can buy this item in different colours
  • sit with open legs instead of having to close or cross them just because I look like a woman
  • address some of my interests without being told that this is for girls or for guys
  • walk through a clothing store without feeling odd because I wanna try on “men clothing”
  • the list could go on and on

It is ridiculous how deep the gender norms go and how much they influence every day life when you have to hide who you are most of the time. People make so many assumptions about you and this is one of the things I would love to see gone from society. But it probably won’t happen, not in my lifetime and likely never.
The examples above look like small issues that aren’t worth complaining about. And yes, if it were only one or two things, I wouldn’t feel the need to say anything. But knowing that this is just a fragment of all the tiny things that add up over time, it is worth to address the issue as a whole.

Society needs to become more accepting towards people who do not fit into these neat boxes:

  1. Vagina = Female = Behaviour xyz = Look xyz
  2. Penis = Male = Behaviour xyz = Look xyz

Here is the thing.
We all tend to claim that we are open minded and have no prejudice. But the reality is, we see a person and automatically put them in a box. We are doing that because it kept us alive during evolution and probably still does in many situations.
But people should not be boxed and shelved in a binary system for sex and gender.

There are countries that officially recognize more than two genders independent from what sex someone was born with.
There are lots of things going very positive, especially in recent years.

  • Germany added a third option for sex on birth certificates
  • Ireland voted gay marriage into the constitution
  • More and more countries accept that there are other orientations, not only straight
  • Countries who treat lgbt people lower or unequal to the rest of the people are being more and more frowned upon
  • There are children’s books about equality

So yes, change is happening and it is a good thing. 

And because change is happening, we cannot stop educating and being open. We cannot stop marching once a year. We need to stay open and friendly so society loses it’s fear and feels safe to ask questions and learn more.

Gay Pride Banner Rainbow Flag Long

A few points that I want to address because I read and hear these arguments so much. These are just the arguments that I see most frequent and that is why I address those:

  • “Why do you even need a pride parade? Can’t you keep that at home?”
    No we cannot keep that at home. The parades are to show people that we are normal, fun, and open. We want to give society the chance, once a year, to just have fun with us and to approach us with all the questions and critiques. These parades are more educational than you might think and they have done a great job in the past. Let’s continue.
  • “Our children should not see this!”
    Why not? Promoting equality to your children is a good thing. Promoting love and acceptance to your children is a good thing. Educating your child that, no matter how they turn out, they will be valued for who they are is a good thing. These events are positive and good for all age groups.
  • “You chose this life style!”
    Yes, I chose my life style BUT my sexuality and my gender identification are not my life style. I was born this way. I cannot chose to be straight and I cannot chose to become a woman or a man. I can chose to hide, but it is unhealthy and hurts.
    If you want to prove me wrong: Go ahead, be gay for a year and while you are at it, also change your gender for that time. Should be easy.
  • “You are not behaving natural!”
    I would like to see your scientific proof for that. Fact is that homosexuality has been observed across species on earth. From apes to cats to swans to even guinea pigs. Why those behaved the way they did, no one knows. But you personally are not the one deciding factor as to what is natural and what is not.
  • “All religions forbid this behaviour. That must have a good reason!”
    First of all, it is not true that all religions forbid non-straight and/or gender queer behaviour. Second, religions are a construct that humans put in place conform to their norms and rules at the time the religion has been constructed. Especially anything about sex and gender roles has always been a big thing in religions. But the fact that they have always been a big thing doesn’t mean that religions are right about the teachings concerning these issues.
  • “I don’t agree with homosexuality!”
    You don’t have to. It is ok to disagree. But you not agreeing with someone else’s sexual preferences will neither change them nor do society or yourself any good. Just deal with the fact that not everybody is the same. This is a learning process and it takes time. So take all the time you need and please ask questions if you have any.

Just be nice, be kind, have fun, and enjoy your life.
Accept each other and if you disagree with someone, be mature about it.


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Posted by on June 27, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Selfharm and Depression


At my current place of employment, a big website, I mainly work on things that get reported by the user. There are different filters in place so you can always work a certain type of report.
One of those is for everything self-harm and depression related. That’s a good thing because that way I can give special attention to people who actually need real help.
The problem here is that the majority of cases I check are 12 year old girls who think that cutting themselves is an acceptable form of “dealing” with the normal issues of growing up and being a teenager.
Anybody remember “cut for bieber”? There are lots of incentives like that.
The fact that parents aren’t there for there kids as much as they should be any-more because of all the distractions of life, doesn’t help. When a child has a problem, the first place for them to turn to should be the family or friends.
When the family is more interested in Facebook, Twitter, and Netflix, then there is a big problem.
When the friends are so lose friends that you cannot really talk to them about your worries and troubles, at some point you sit there and have no idea how to deal.
I do understand that growing up is a bitch! I grew up too. Everything changes. Your body, your thinking, your environment. Your interest in relationships starts, you have to get more and more ready for adulthood. Nowadays the internet plays a huge role in our lives. So bullying attacks as well as self-promotion on the net are a big part of the lives of kids nowadays. Then comes school being more and more pressuring. It all mounts up to something that current adults did not have to deal with when they were teenagers.
So yes, I actually understand what kids are going through.

The problem comes in when I have to treat “real self-harm” and “kiddie self-harm” equally when they are not equal.
Let’s take cutting because it is the most known form of self-harm:
I see a lot of arms that are full of little cuts, not too deep but visible. Kids like to make a photo and post it wherever they get attention. I get it, you need your problems addressed, but cutting into your skin is not the way to do that. What people will react to is the fact that the skin is cut and not why it has been done.
But the other type I see, are the real cuts. The ones that stem from a soul that has been deeply hurt and the only way to silence this psychological pain is to inflict physical pain to overwrite what is happening in the mind. It is to shut up the voices and to stop the thoughts. Even if it is only for 2 minutes of piece, it will be done. Those cuts are very deep, they need medical attention and stitches.

Somehow cutting your skin and saying you are depressed has become a very accepted form of dealing with the problems of life and me being a former self-harmer and highly depressed person find it appalling to see how “I am cutting but I don’t want attention” is just fine and dandy.

Before I met my husband, I cannot remember a time when I was not depressed. I grew up with deep depression and I had enough good reasons for it. There were more and more very valid reasons added throughout the years until at some point, the depression became so unbearable that I had to find ways to free my mind even if it was only for seconds. I became quite good in finding new ways to shut my brain up for a little.

<removed a paragraph>
Originally I had a very descriptive paragraph here where I described the things I used to do in order to stop my brain. In order to stop circular thoughts that kept me awake. In order to turn off memories that I did not want to remember. In order to just have my damn mind shut up for just a minute.
I removed this list because I don’t want to give the kids ideas.
I did a lot of things that were very harmful for my health and those things helped short term but they did not help long term.

At some point I broke down in tears in front of my boss because I was unable to deal any longer and I was sent to the doctor. My GP sent me straight to the psychosomatic clinic to be checked there.
The doctor there had me fill out a questionnaire and after talking to me, she was determined to put me on the closed psych-ward because I was suicidal at that point. I agreed to go to the day clinic instead.

I actually took the help that was offered to me instead of laughing it off and saying that no one will stop me from doing what I did. I did not WANT to harm myself and the second someone offered to help me I was there ready to heal and ready to learn dealing with my problems in a healthy way.
Once I had worked out my traumata, the self-harm stopped as well. It is all connected. Nowadays I am not the happiest person alive but I know how to deal with my problems, with memories I don’t want to have, and with everything in-between. I still have the tendency to get depressed, simply because my brain is wired that way, after all I grew up depressed and my brain adjusted physically. But the good thing is, I learnt to identify when I am getting there and I can stop it.

If you do have troubles other than the normal stuff about growing up, you should seek professional help instead of jumping into this trend of “I am cutting because Tim broke up with me”.
As I said, I know growing up is a bitch. Puberty is a bitch, School is very stressful. The other kids are mean. First love and first breakup are really shitty. The body and mind changing is scary. Knowing that you have to prepare for being an adult is scary.
All of this is normal and what you need is > talk to your parents, a trusted teacher, a good friend.
When I had no one to talk to, I found people on the internet who, on the long run, turned out to be very good real friends and I talked to them.

Here another tip: A good friend is not defined by “we can cry together”. A good friend listens to your problems without judging you and without telling you what to do. A good friend is just there for you if you need them.

At all the parents: Shame on you if you are unavailable for you kids. Don’t be surprised when they start doing stupid things if you never taught them any better! Do you think that your kids will be able to function in live if you miss educating them during the most important years of their lives? Shame on you!

This is for the ones who need to talk but have no one:
I am offering my ear/eye and a virtual hug, if you need someone to talk to and you have no one else. If you need someone, you can always comment or send me a mail to clos3rlook at gmail dot com 
I promise I will read it and if you want, I will answer as well. Just don’t do something that hurts your body in order to deal with your mental pain.

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Posted by on June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized


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“You have come a long way”

“You have come a long way”

That’s what my husband said to me the other night.
We were having a conversation about a good friend who is having a little rough patch in his relationship. He was telling me some things and in the end I told him how it’s all a normal part of a relationship. I mentioned how my husband and I tend to fight over stupid little things sometimes or how we sometimes fight so much that we both go into complete shutdown. And nevertheless we are having a great relationship and love each other. Rough patches are a part of the package.

My husband got a bit quiet and then he said “You have come a long way” to me. And I think he is right.

When we met I was in a bad place. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I had met him online and moved in with him after only meeting him once. I left my country, carrying a package of problems and debts on my shoulders. Moved in with him, not knowing the language, not knowing if he is a crazy psychopath. I was unable to deal with negative things (trauma) so I got scared and cried every time he would just so much as speak in a serious tone (not even raise his voice).

And where am I now?

I see a future, I care about myself and my husband. I have plans and enjoy live and love. I am over all the bad things. I learned to deal with negative things and I am improving my social and emotional skills. It’s all on an upwards spiral if you like.

And you know what? It feels fucking great.

The things I learned since I met my husband:

  • I am entitled to an opinion
  • It is ok to be wrong sometimes
  • Having emotions is ok
  • Showing emotions is ok
  • Talking about problems is ok
  • Mistakes are ok if you learn from them
  • It is impossible to please everybody
  • Asking questions is good

I still need to work on a lot of things, because I simply never learned some of the things that come easy to other people. Small talk, smiling, dealing with new situations, dealing with new people, and much more but: Indeed, I have come a long way.

Being self-confident is really a great feeling. Try it for yourself 🙂

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Posted by on June 28, 2014 in Uncategorized


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The pendulum and reincarnation


A bit of a ramble / wall of text >> My thoughts on the topic

A friend of mine used to have migrane attacks, really bad ones. At some point his dad came to his house with the pendulum. He kind of… swung out the whole place and found out that the bed was on an magnetic energetic cross which runs through the ground at that place. And when he moved the bed the migranes stopped.

Now my critical mind kicks in. Ok, magnetic waves maybe… Don’t know. But the pendulum? Hm. I used to be a witch. That was my religion and my life for a long long time. I used the pendulum back then and I believed in it a lot. But the more I brought it to the test, the more I dug deep on theory and physics etc, the less believable it became.
My friend, saying that “my dad holds his hands really still and he is not a liar either!” is not a reason to just believe this without looking any further.
For a fact I know that when I used the pendulum I was holding it very still too and I wasn’t lieing when I talked about the results. I believed what I said and I knew I wasn’t swinging that thing.
BUT you know how the tiniest movement, the kind that you can’t control, will make that pendulum swing? Holding it still isn’t enough. Stop the wind around you, stop cold and warm air move around you. Stop your veins from pulsating and so on. Yes, in the end, you hold it as still as you can but it will still swing. And the longer you try, the harder it will swing. Perpetuum mobile anybody? It’s kinda like that, not exactly but kinda.

But he kept talking. He said he had all those pains and feels weak so much. His sister is an alternative practitioner and she is doing all these fancy things like regressions and such.
In the esotheric context, just to explain, a regression means that you are being put into a trance like state and you will be able to go back in your memory to very early stages in your life. In theory they are also able to bring you back into a past life.
Now my friend said, with the most serious voice ever, that he would like to try this because maybe, his health problems root in a previous life and if so, if he knew that, he would at least know what to do now.
He said his sister found out that she was raped at a very young age that way.
I am not going to belittle the fact that his sister was raped. In fact I am somewhat confident that the regression worked in this matter. Because after all you are being carefully led back in this stage and you will be able to remember things. Simple psychology. She probably remembered it, which is not unlikely to happen. Many people remember it only once they are grown. Our brains work that way. Our brains block out stuff that we can’t deal with and once we are ready and wanna know, we can try and dig it out. I dug stuff out too by meditating a lot. Wouldn’t call it a regression but it helped me work out my problems and traumata.But I find it a bit far fetched to say, hey maybe I will go ahead and have a look in my previous life.

Why? Because this assumes that there was a previous life.
While I cannot prove or disprove the possibility of rebirth and such things, scientific research has not been able to prove it. I go with science, sorry. I can’t just believe stuff because it feels warm, fuzzy, and convenient.
Let me explain something to you.
Back in my witch-days I believed in reincarnation too. I actually knew of my past life in the 18-hundrets. I think 1860s or so. I knew that I was a man called Luke and that I had a beautiful girl and a little cottage. I was a soldier and owned a brown horse.
I knew all these details of my life, my age, my wife’s name, the colour of my house, what the road looked like, the field and the garden, etc…
But the more I researched and tried to prove reincarnation and souls and energies and nature in general, the less likely it all became. I remember this thing on youtube that I saw where they “weighed the soul” and came to the conclusion that the soul must weigh like 0.02 grams. I remember how I completely bought it until I learnt more about dead bodies and such things.

No, I can’t buy into this anymore, sorry.
I have this ugly habit of using my brain to be critical with weird assumptions. I like to check sources and research and physics and other things that are important for scientific research of things. I am not a scientist but I am not stupid. I can grasp most concepts of physic, biology, chemics, and so on.

It might feel good to believe in things like this but how much good does it do to believe in things just to feel good? Most of these believe systems come with a whole battery of negative stuff too. Over all it always ends up being really bad for the mind to believe in things and blocking your brains (through indoctrination) from asking the important questions:

Why? & How?

Yes, exactly, I can’t prove that these things do not exist but I don’t have the burden of proof. I believe in this stuff as much as I believe in the flying spagetti monster and the invisible pink unicorn.
The people who claim that a statement is true have to prove it, not the person who doesn’t believe it. The non-believer usually doesn’t claim that the statement is untrue, they simply don’t believe it. You want me to believe, you get to prove your point.

See how I get into this huge rant and ramble on forever about this? That’s exactly why I said nothing when my friend talked about it.

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Posted by on June 9, 2014 in Uncategorized


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With this header you might think that this is going to be a very difficult post.
Suicide as a topic has this heavy, burden-like feeling to it.
It is somewhat of a taboo topic. You just don’t talk about it, you don’t want to think about it.
It’s a sin in some religions to commit suicide.
People who do not follow a religion or any kind of belief system tend to find it too upsetting anyway.

Just try to ignore it away because it never has anything to do with oneself until it does.

I personally avoid having taboo topics. So let’s get into this a bit more:

I first thought about death when I was maybe 10 years old.
I didn’t even have a reason, it just came into my mind that one day my mom is going to be old and that old people die.
I asked my mom how it is to be dead and what comes after death.
She didn’t know, and she didn’t try to indoctrinate me too much with heaven-talk. She told me it would be like going to sleep but never waking up again.
Well, tell that to a child. Children hate sleeping. It’s worse than being grounded, right?
So yes, my first reaction was to  be scared of death and I stayed scared of it for a long time.

Heads up, by now I am not scared of death anymore – at all.

Around the age when I asked my mom was when I became depressed. And I stayed depressed for almost all my live up until about two years ago. You know, you don’t just heal the depression. It is a blurry time when you get better.
Anyway, during that time I became quite suicidal.
Being suicidal never meant trying to kill myself constantly because that is usually not what it means at all.
I was suicidal for many years but I really tried to kill myself only once. And you see, I am still alive and I am fine. Understand that for me it seemed like the only way to solve my problems. That’s because I was so depressed that I saw no other way anymore. I thought I had exhausted every other way of solving my problems. In the end I found a way and now I quite enjoy living.

But not only suicidal people commit suicide.
There is this other type of suicide that I will call reasonable.
Have you ever thought about how and where your life is going to end?
When I was at that point I started researching what other people thought, what they did. I actually read a book on suicide methods. I watched documentaries and vlogs and read a lot. Until my hunger for knowledge was gone.
Some of the most important things I learnt while researching this:

  • People commit suicide for very valid reasons (e.g. terminal illness)
  • Some people are old and they don’t want to live anymore. They feel they lived and saw what they always wanted and they feel that it is time to go.
  • There are places (on in Switzerland) that offer legally assisted suicide and they perform in a very warm and loving way which includes family / friends.
  • There are books that explain suicide methods.
  • Suicide does not have to be ugly, cold, selfish, or disgraceful.
  • Suicide does not have to hurt either.
  • Some friends and family of people who commited “pre meditated suicide” told the story, and it was not heart breaking.

I know that you might not agree with me but I strongly feel that assisted suicide should be legal everywhere.
It is legal in some places and it’s not like suicide rates in those places are any different than in other countries as far as I know (tell me if I’m wrong though).
People do it no matter what. The difference is just: Will it be ugly or not?
If a person decides that they would like to end their life in a way, at a time, and at a date of their choosing, they should be granted this.
Can it be misused? Hell yes! But everything is being misused nowadays. The whole medical system is full of bad decisions.
Make it a process where the person has to be cleared by a trained doctor and where they will be repeatedly asked if they are sure that they want to do it up to the second before they do it.
But, I understand that our society is maybe not ready for a big step like this. People don’t want to accept that nothing needs to be wrong with you, if you wish to commit suicide. People don’t yet understand that it can be a very warm and loving experience for the family.
People’s thoughts usually stop at the bad news headlines and with this cold shudder on there shoulders, when there is so much more.
I know I am repeating myself at this point but I gotta say it one more time:
It does not have to be ugly and cold.

But just to clear this up.
I feel very much alive right now. I love living, I have many things I want to see and experience. I love being here and I plan on staying on this planet for many years to come.

Now, as always, when I post something like this, a few last things:

  1. Suicide shall never be your first choice or first thought to solve any of your problems.
  2. If you are depressed, please call a help phone. They are usually for free and you can talk to trained and lovely people there. They have resources for you.
  3. If you are suicidal and you really want to do it, please consider calling a suicide line. They are also for free and are also staffed with trained people. Do never – I say again NEVER – feel ashamed to call out for help! These people are there just for you, they are waiting for you to call, so do it. They know how to help you.

Numbers and contact details for suicidal people:

Phone: 1800 247 100 (free phone)
SMS: Text “Help” to 51444 (standard rate)

Phone: 1 800 273 8255 (free phone)

For adults: 0800 1110111 (free phone)
For children and teenagers: 0800 1110333 (free phone)

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Posted by on May 7, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Traffic bully vs. Gamer

I cycle to work and home. It’s saving me money and gives me a bit of a workout every day. Win, right?

Today a traffic bully almost made me vomit. My stomach really wants to vomit in dangerous situations when stuff happens suddenly and fast.

Well what happened?
When I cycle home I need to cross a street and get on the cycle road thing. It’s on the other side of the road, with the side walk. So I check for cars, I check for bikes, I check for people, I cross over. Some where in the distance I saw another cyclist but far enough – way far enough – for me to be able to make it just fine.
What happened though?
Well I cross and as the other cyclist comes closer and a car comes close enough for me to better not slow down, the cyclist yells at me. I did not expect the yell and I could not stop, he did not use his breaks but kinda seemed to go faster on purpose or something. Anyway he was too close for having cycled normally.

This is when my stomach wanted to eat backwards and my gamer behaviour kicked in.

I am used to ragers and flamers so much, I apply my online / in game strategies in real life now.
I don’t react.
Now that sounds reasonable right? Why would I react to a traffic bully who simply needed to vent his work stress on the first person that crossed his way?
Too many people focus on the other rager, getting angry themselves. But that doesn’t help me, it actually makes traffic more dangerous for me if I get angry too.
While the bully got angry by my missing reaction to his stupid yell he started cursing while passing me “fucking cunt!” and while I was still not reacting, I saw him almost riding through a pile of dog shit because he had to look back at me to see if I react at any point.
Well, I didn’t.

I was very tempted to do what I like to do in-game but decided against it because
1. I didn’t feel like dealing with him
2. It would have made him even more furious
Usually, ingame I will tell the ragers and flamers “Love you!” and other lovely things. Yea, I might be a bit of a troll myself, but at least I only react. I don’t troll pro-actively and I never rage or flame at anybody, be it in-game or in real life.

But hey, just try it for yourself.
Ignore the real life ragers and just throw them a smile instead of the finger. See how they react 😉


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Posted by on May 6, 2014 in Uncategorized


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