Monthly Archives: June 2014

“You have come a long way”

“You have come a long way”

That’s what my husband said to me the other night.
We were having a conversation about a good friend who is having a little rough patch in his relationship. He was telling me some things and in the end I told him how it’s all a normal part of a relationship. I mentioned how my husband and I tend to fight over stupid little things sometimes or how we sometimes fight so much that we both go into complete shutdown. And nevertheless we are having a great relationship and love each other. Rough patches are a part of the package.

My husband got a bit quiet and then he said “You have come a long way” to me. And I think he is right.

When we met I was in a bad place. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I had met him online and moved in with him after only meeting him once. I left my country, carrying a package of problems and debts on my shoulders. Moved in with him, not knowing the language, not knowing if he is a crazy psychopath. I was unable to deal with negative things (trauma) so I got scared and cried every time he would just so much as speak in a serious tone (not even raise his voice).

And where am I now?

I see a future, I care about myself and my husband. I have plans and enjoy live and love. I am over all the bad things. I learned to deal with negative things and I am improving my social and emotional skills. It’s all on an upwards spiral if you like.

And you know what? It feels fucking great.

The things I learned since I met my husband:

  • I am entitled to an opinion
  • It is ok to be wrong sometimes
  • Having emotions is ok
  • Showing emotions is ok
  • Talking about problems is ok
  • Mistakes are ok if you learn from them
  • It is impossible to please everybody
  • Asking questions is good

I still need to work on a lot of things, because I simply never learned some of the things that come easy to other people. Small talk, smiling, dealing with new situations, dealing with new people, and much more but: Indeed, I have come a long way.

Being self-confident is really a great feeling. Try it for yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

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Posted by on June 28, 2014 in Uncategorized


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My new friend

He really needs someone to talk and I am a good listener and I have this big heart for troubled teenagers. I don’t mean teenage-brats who feel troubled because they got less pocketmoney than normal. I am talking about teenagers who have problems and troubles that they shouldn’t have to worry about.

He is one of them. Every once in a while a teenager like this crosses my path and I help them on their feet so they can move on without thinking about suicide or selfharm.

This guy has been bullied for a long time. His family won’t accept him since he came out gay.
He is a great guy, very mature, fun, and smart. But he is not confident. He has no idea how much he can do with his life and all the chances he has.
When he gets upset he locks everybody out.

Every now and then he tells me about himself. I am not making him. We just talk and when he gets upset I make sure that he talks about it instead of bottling it up. He has too much bottled up already and right now seems like a ticking time bomb more than anything else.
He told me many things already. Things about his family, his dead ex-boyfriend, some selfharm, the bullying, and such things. I noticed that even for a heavy smoker he smokes a lot.
I am not too sure how to help him.
I had serious cases like this before but they were different.
Something about this guy is special and I really want to help him but I am somewhat at the end of my wisdom here.
All I can do is offer an open ear whenever he needs it.

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Posted by on June 22, 2014 in Uncategorized


More than two genders is not complicated

I had a conversation with my husband this weekend. A long one. It was about the transgender community. He had a lot of questions and I answered. What I found during the conversation was the fact that a lot of words are being used wrongly because of a lack of education.

Sexuality, Gender identity, and such things are usually taboo topics and therefore people find them weird, no one educates about it, and what follows is a lot of confusion and misunderstandings.

This is why I felt like I should explain a few very simple things.

Some words:

  • Sex: Refers to which type of genital you were born. Penis=Male, Vagina=Female
  • Gender: Refers to what Sex you identify if you even identify with a sex. This can be different from the sex you were born with.
  • Homosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the own sex.
  • Bisexual: Sex is not important when it comes to romantic/sexual encounters.
  • Gay: Male+Male preference
  • Lesbian: Female+Female preference
  • Heterosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the opposite sex.
  • Asexual: Not identifying with a certain gender. Often refers to people who have no sexual urges.
  • Transgender: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with, therefore you changed it or want to change it or are in the process.
  • Gender queer: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with.
  • Tranny:ย  Another word for Transgender
  • Cross dresser: A person that dresses as the opposite sex (clichee) but gender identity matches the sex they were born with.
  • Transition: A person in the progress of matching their body to the gender they identify as.
  • MtF: Male to Female
  • FtM: Female to Male

Other things:

  • “It’s just a phase”: How you identify yourself and your romantic life is not a phase > It is who you are, your identity.
  • The bible says, it’s an abomination: No one needs to accept the bible as truth, especially considering the age of the book and how much got lost in translation already.
  • Everybody is Bi-sexual: Being able to appreciate that someone of the same sex can look good does not make one a bi-sexual. There are a lot of ways to feel romantically towards other people. Bisexuality is one of those ways.
  • Homesexuality can be healed: Homosexuality is not an illness. People are born that way. They didn’t “catch it” somewhere, it’s not spreading.
  • Only Male+Female is natural: Actually no. It has been proven over and over again that in the animal kingdom (and the human is part of that) all kinds of sexual and family bonds exist. This includes homosexuality (swans, guinea pigs, cats, …), monogamy (swans), polygamy (certain types of apes, lions, dogs, wolves, cats,…), and more.

My account:

Being bisexual is as normal for me as any other type of romantic/sexual feeling is for other people. My husband is straight and he never ever felt anything more than plain friendship towards men. But I always had a strong preference towards females. Liking males at the same time made things confusing for me in this society and at that time but I couldn’t change it. It was normal for me to feel that way.
I heard at some point that people like to think that bisexuals just can’t make a choice.
That’s not true and I am living proof of that. As much as I love women, I live in a straight relationship. I love my husband. I am true to him. I wouldn’t even dream of cheating, even with a girl. I am very open about this so he always knows. I am not jealous and he isn’t either.
In addition to being bisexual I am gender queer.
I was born in a female body and I like my private parts ๐Ÿ˜‰ BUT I do not identify as a woman.
I have some female traits.
I like bags a lot, I love cooking and baking, I am a very creative writer.
But apart from that, I am more guy.
I love camping, knifes, survival shows, comfortable clothes, fit bums, working on my bike, and esports. I don’t use makeup or nailpolish, I am not spending an hour in the bathroom to “get ready”, I don’t own a lot of clothes, and I don’t have to fill every quiet minute with random babbling.
This part of me makes my husband very happy because we can do stuff together he would normally need a guy-friend for. We can sit on the beach and check out women. We even watch similar types of porn. We can work on the bikes or just sit down forย  a drink without saying a word.

Me being this way was not a choice or a phase.
This is me and I like to be seen as just me, not as a category that one needs to be disgusted about.
I have been this way all my life.
Once I understood that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, all the annoying things that minorities encounter stopped for me. No laughing or giggling, no stupid questions, no defending my lifestyle, no bullying, nothing.
I am not making a secret of who I am but I am also not making it conversation topic number one whenever I can.
It’s my own private life and I can share it if I feel safe with a person.
In reality apart from my husband (and you, the reader, as an anonymous crowd) I haven’t fully come out to a lot of people. Not even my own mom.
I think there are 4 or 5 people I completely came out to. I am happy with that. These people are very important for me and they are all great.


I hope this post helps those who seek for a few simple explanations. If you have any questions, please let me know in the comments.


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Posted by on June 16, 2014 in Uncategorized


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The pendulum and reincarnation


A bit of a ramble / wall of text >> My thoughts on the topic

A friend of mine used to have migrane attacks, really bad ones. At some point his dad came to his house with the pendulum. He kind of… swung out the whole place and found out that the bed was on an magnetic energetic cross which runs through the ground at that place. And when he moved the bed the migranes stopped.

Now my critical mind kicks in. Ok, magnetic waves maybe… Don’t know. But the pendulum? Hm. I used to be a witch. That was my religion and my life for a long long time. I used the pendulum back then and I believed in it a lot. But the more I brought it to the test, the more I dug deep on theory and physics etc, the less believable it became.
My friend, saying that “my dad holds his hands really still and he is not a liar either!” is not a reason to just believe this without looking any further.
For a fact I know that when I used the pendulum I was holding it very still too and I wasn’t lieing when I talked about the results. I believed what I said and I knew I wasn’t swinging that thing.
BUT you know how the tiniest movement, the kind that you can’t control, will make that pendulum swing? Holding it still isn’t enough. Stop the wind around you, stop cold and warm air move around you. Stop your veins from pulsating and so on. Yes, in the end, you hold it as still as you can but it will still swing. And the longer you try, the harder it will swing. Perpetuum mobile anybody? It’s kinda like that, not exactly but kinda.

But he kept talking. He said he had all those pains and feels weak so much. His sister is an alternative practitioner and she is doing all these fancy things like regressions and such.
In the esotheric context, just to explain, a regression means that you are being put into a trance like state and you will be able to go back in your memory to very early stages in your life. In theory they are also able to bring you back into a past life.
Now my friend said, with the most serious voice ever, that he would like to try this because maybe, his health problems root in a previous life and if so, if he knew that, he would at least know what to do now.
He said his sister found out that she was raped at a very young age that way.
I am not going to belittle the fact that his sister was raped. In fact I am somewhat confident that the regression worked in this matter. Because after all you are being carefully led back in this stage and you will be able to remember things. Simple psychology. She probably remembered it, which is not unlikely to happen. Many people remember it only once they are grown. Our brains work that way. Our brains block out stuff that we can’t deal with and once we are ready and wanna know, we can try and dig it out. I dug stuff out too by meditating a lot. Wouldn’t call it a regression but it helped me work out my problems and traumata.But I find it a bit far fetched to say, hey maybe I will go ahead and have a look in my previous life.

Why? Because this assumes that there was a previous life.
While I cannot prove or disprove the possibility of rebirth and such things, scientific research has not been able to prove it. I go with science, sorry. I can’t just believe stuff because it feels warm, fuzzy, and convenient.
Let me explain something to you.
Back in my witch-days I believed in reincarnation too. I actually knew of my past life in the 18-hundrets. I think 1860s or so. I knew that I was a man called Luke and that I had a beautiful girl and a little cottage. I was a soldier and owned a brown horse.
I knew all these details of my life, my age, my wife’s name, the colour of my house, what the road looked like, the field and the garden, etc…
But the more I researched and tried to prove reincarnation and souls and energies and nature in general, the less likely it all became. I remember this thing on youtube that I saw where they “weighed the soul” and came to the conclusion that the soul must weigh like 0.02 grams. I remember how I completely bought it until I learnt more about dead bodies and such things.

No, I can’t buy into this anymore, sorry.
I have this ugly habit of using my brain to be critical with weird assumptions. I like to check sources and research and physics and other things that are important for scientific research of things. I am not a scientist but I am not stupid. I can grasp most concepts of physic, biology, chemics, and so on.

It might feel good to believe in things like this but how much good does it do to believe in things just to feel good? Most of these believe systems come with a whole battery of negative stuff too. Over all it always ends up being really bad for the mind to believe in things and blocking your brains (through indoctrination) from asking the important questions:

Why? & How?

Yes, exactly, I can’t prove that these things do not exist but I don’t have the burden of proof. I believe in this stuff as much as I believe in the flying spagetti monster and the invisible pink unicorn.
The people who claim that a statement is true have to prove it, not the person who doesn’t believe it. The non-believer usually doesn’t claim that the statement is untrue, they simply don’t believe it. You want me to believe, you get to prove your point.

See how I get into this huge rant and ramble on forever about this? That’s exactly why I said nothing when my friend talked about it.

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Posted by on June 9, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Gamescom 2014

Gamescom is in August and I am going!

This weekend I will buy the tickets and hopefully book flights. In July I will book hotel rooms unless I can afford to book them this weekend as well.

A few guys in the community are planning to go there as well. So I hope to meet a few of the guys there. Maybe go for a drink or something. Will surely be fun to meet the faces behind the nickname.

Cologne, I’m coming!

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Posted by on June 6, 2014 in Uncategorized


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I got a project

I came to work this morning and was just starting my computer and one of the permanent employees, a teamlead, came to me and asked “Did *** talk to you about quality?”

I have to mention that this was before “hello” and before having a coffee.
I also have to mention that I am a perfectionist when it comes to work. If my quality is not at 100% I get very moody because for me anything lower than 100% is not acceptable. (Yes, quality can be measured in % at my place of work)
In addition to that, I am a contractor. So everything negative will get me scared anyways – although my contract has just been extended.

So no wonder that I thought of the worst at first. I said that *** has not talked to me about it yet and said teamlead answered “Oh, ok. Well she will talk to you about quality.” And then she left.
I look around myself and say to a coworker “What did I do?” and she just grins at me “Hey, it’s nothing bad.” So then she tells me that I don’t know anything BUT….

So here is the story:

We have a whole huge bunch of people starting very soon. They are starting on a certain new project and there are mentors and quality people needed for this project. So the teamlead of my language market asked if my direct teamlead would be ok if I were that person for this language.

So tomorrow and next week I have training for that new project and then I get a certain period of time to start working on it so I understand everything. When the new guys start I will be their POC on this matter.

Pretty cool and amazing. I have been told that I am doing pretty well at work but me being THAT perfectionistic (is that even a word?) I didn’t realize that it is that good.
I was a mentor in my old job as well and I did quality review back then as well. I really enjoy that kind of work so yea, happy to get to do this again! ๐Ÿ™‚

Happy Leela today! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Posted by on June 4, 2014 in Uncategorized


Whiny waiters

Just to make this clear in advance, I try to tip every time I am eating at a restaurant.

I understand that waiters get a low pay and that business owners and managers calculate a certain amount of tips that the waiters get.

What I do not like is this kind of bs that you get for not tipping a lot:

  • I serve your food
  • I server your drinks
  • I care for your special requests
  • I am friendly and smile even if you are not
  • I am on my feet all evening to serve people
  • My wage is 2:50 an hour
  • I have bills to pay
  • I go to uni
  • People give only 2 Euro tip on a 60 Euro bill

Tell you what:

  • Serving, smiling, being friendly, taking care of guests, being on your feet >> Your job description!
  • Low pay > You manager is an asshole
  • Bills, uni? Yea, you are not the only one.
  • No one HAS TO tip. Be happy if you get tipped at all.

I have worked a lot of shitty job, including the lowest stuff like cleaning lady, kitchen personell, and retail.
And guess what, I wouldn’t even DARE to complain about not getting extra money.
These jobs suck ass, they pay bad, and that is something you know BEFORE you start the job.
Everybody has bills to pay and needs to eat but waiters are BY FAR the most whiny group of all.
You actually do get that little bonus in form of a tip if you do your job well.

  • Do you think a cleaning lady gets a tip if she cleans the toilets well?
  • Do you think the parking log guard gets a tip for operating the gates especially well?
  • Do you think the guy who cleans your car at the gas station gets a tip for making your wind shield extra shiny?

Forget it! Stop being a crybaby. Life sucks sometimes! Your life sucks, my life sucks, everybody’s lives suck. Deal with it and move on and stop whining.

Now stop complaining about your job as a waiter and just do it. Keep going. If you are in fact a student at UNI it will be over in no time and you will get all the nice, comfy jobs that you always wanted.
And thenย  you will complain about those jobs.

And just make things real for you, complaining about people tipping low when they have a high bill:
I am one of these people. I tip only if the waiter did a good job. And I am not a rich person. The few times I get to eat out, I have a very tight budget for eating out. If I bring 50 Euro, I am not able to spend more but I am willing to spend the whole 50 on my meal. And I will probably give you the rest, towards that 50 as a tip if it is not 2 Euro, because you know what? My life sucks too. I don’t have a washing machine. So if my bill was 48 Euro, I might actually keep those 2 Euro because I have laundry to do and it is exactly 2 Euro for the washing cycle including drier. I am not rich just because I spend a 50 at the restaurant! Quite the opposite. A meal at a nice restaurant is something that I have one a year, maybe twice. I am saving for it and then I spend what I saved. You being whiny about me not tipping, doesn’t change that.
And yes, a 50 Euro bill is a very high bill for me. I can’t afford more. I can’t buy the expensive wine you offer, I can’t afford a second glass of coke, I can’t buy a dessert most of the time, I will leave the little bread basket untouched because it is likely that I have no money for that extra.

The prices at some restaurants are horrendous (3 Euro for one oven potato!!). The owner can afford paying you right. If he doesn’t pay you properly, don’t complain to me. I am just the customer.


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Posted by on June 3, 2014 in Uncategorized


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