Month of pride

A year has passed and once again the pride parade is knocking at my door. 

Recently I read something about pride parades not being there because we want to march but because there is a need for society to acknowledge and accept people the way they are, no matter who they love and as what gender they identify.

Every year around this time, I think back at my journey. How I found my sexuality and how I started accepting myself the way I am. How I started to understand that it is okay to be me the way I am.
It was a bumpy road but it was worth walking this bumpy road.

I identify as a bisexual, gender queer person. I do not like to address myself as woman or man because I am neither. I am this weird thing somewhere in-between. If I like a girl, I will be a perfect gentleman. If I am with men, I can do the perfect “guy talk” without seeming weird. But if I am talking to women, I can have this discussion about dieting, motherhood, and hair dye. There might be more guy in me than there is girl but I feel good the way I am, especially since I started accepting myself.

Until society everywhere on the planet treats lgbt people just like everybody else, we shall keep marching every year!

I hope everybody is having a great June and at some point a great pride parade!

 

Hormones: yes or no?

So here is the deal:

A few years ago I went to the gynecologist because I had stopped getting my period. Not that that’s a bad thing. I actually welcomed that fact but I had the doctor have a look anyway, just in case.

Back then I received an ultra sound and they checked out my blood. What the doctor told me was that I have a hormonal imbalance. In my case that meant that I produce too much testosterone and that the estrogen that I produce is not bound the way it should (whatever that means). It was then explained to me that my acne problems are caused by that. The ultra sound showed some things and I was told that it is scarring in my womb. I was told that I might never be able to carry a baby (especially if I don’t take the pill in order to get my period again) but if I ever wanted to try, I would probably have to take hormones.
So for the moment I started taking the pill so I could get the period and prevent my womb from further scarring. The pill that I had to take has since been taken off the market because apparently some women in some instances died from it? I am not sure. But I cannot get that or its counterparts anymore, nowhere. Any other pill will be likely to have me gain even more weight, and I already gain unnaturally fast (from eating a normal diet).

So recently my husband and I decided that we want to try for a baby. I went to the gynecologist and asked about what you just read above. She said that she knows the condition. And just from looking at me she knew that I have it. She said that my acne, weight gain for no reason, and cysts in the womb are very known to be caused by it.
She ordered another blood test to confirm and once she has the results we will talk about everything. If I can carry a baby and what hormones I need to take.

But he is the problem, and I am even scared to bring it up with her although she is my doctor. This is Ireland. People are pretty conservative when it comes to gender…. stuff

I am thinking that if I am the way I am (very male brain) because of this hormonal imbalance, I would not like to take hormones because that would change my me. I like myself the way I am and don’t want to change so that scares me like hell.

How do I bring that up with my doctor without sounding like a freak? She doesn’t know that I am so queer that you could almost call me trans. My husband knows and I told him that I am scared of taking those hormones because of it. He told me that I should ask my doctor about it. But just how should I approach that topic really? It’s not a commonly known thing around here. And how freakish is it for the doctor to have a patient that looks like a woman, wants to make a baby, but tells her that in her brain she is not a she but a he…. Kind of weird isn’t it… I have no idea what to do…

 

More than two genders is not complicated

I had a conversation with my husband this weekend. A long one. It was about the transgender community. He had a lot of questions and I answered. What I found during the conversation was the fact that a lot of words are being used wrongly because of a lack of education.

Sexuality, Gender identity, and such things are usually taboo topics and therefore people find them weird, no one educates about it, and what follows is a lot of confusion and misunderstandings.

This is why I felt like I should explain a few very simple things.

Some words:

• Sex: Refers to which type of genital you were born. Penis=Male, Vagina=Female
• Gender: Refers to what Sex you identify if you even identify with a sex. This can be different from the sex you were born with.
• Homosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the own sex.
• Bisexual: Sex is not important when it comes to romantic/sexual encounters.
• Gay: Male+Male preference
• Lesbian: Female+Female preference
• Heterosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the opposite sex.
• Asexual: Not identifying with a certain gender. Often refers to people who have no sexual urges.
• Transgender: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with, therefore you changed it or want to change it or are in the process.
• Gender queer: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with.
• Tranny:  Another word for Transgender
• Cross dresser: A person that dresses as the opposite sex (clichee) but gender identity matches the sex they were born with.
• Transition: A person in the progress of matching their body to the gender they identify as.
• MtF: Male to Female
• FtM: Female to Male

Other things:

• “It’s just a phase”: How you identify yourself and your romantic life is not a phase > It is who you are, your identity.
• The bible says, it’s an abomination: No one needs to accept the bible as truth, especially considering the age of the book and how much got lost in translation already.
• Everybody is Bi-sexual: Being able to appreciate that someone of the same sex can look good does not make one a bi-sexual. There are a lot of ways to feel romantically towards other people. Bisexuality is one of those ways.
• Homesexuality can be healed: Homosexuality is not an illness. People are born that way. They didn’t “catch it” somewhere, it’s not spreading.
• Only Male+Female is natural: Actually no. It has been proven over and over again that in the animal kingdom (and the human is part of that) all kinds of sexual and family bonds exist. This includes homosexuality (swans, guinea pigs, cats, …), monogamy (swans), polygamy (certain types of apes, lions, dogs, wolves, cats,…), and more.

My account:

Being bisexual is as normal for me as any other type of romantic/sexual feeling is for other people. My husband is straight and he never ever felt anything more than plain friendship towards men. But I always had a strong preference towards females. Liking males at the same time made things confusing for me in this society and at that time but I couldn’t change it. It was normal for me to feel that way.
I heard at some point that people like to think that bisexuals just can’t make a choice.
That’s not true and I am living proof of that. As much as I love women, I live in a straight relationship. I love my husband. I am true to him. I wouldn’t even dream of cheating, even with a girl. I am very open about this so he always knows. I am not jealous and he isn’t either.
In addition to being bisexual I am gender queer.
I was born in a female body and I like my private parts 😉 BUT I do not identify as a woman.
I have some female traits.
I like bags a lot, I love cooking and baking, I am a very creative writer.
But apart from that, I am more guy.
I love camping, knifes, survival shows, comfortable clothes, fit bums, working on my bike, and esports. I don’t use makeup or nailpolish, I am not spending an hour in the bathroom to “get ready”, I don’t own a lot of clothes, and I don’t have to fill every quiet minute with random babbling.
This part of me makes my husband very happy because we can do stuff together he would normally need a guy-friend for. We can sit on the beach and check out women. We even watch similar types of porn. We can work on the bikes or just sit down for  a drink without saying a word.

Me being this way was not a choice or a phase.
This is me and I like to be seen as just me, not as a category that one needs to be disgusted about.
I have been this way all my life.
Once I understood that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, all the annoying things that minorities encounter stopped for me. No laughing or giggling, no stupid questions, no defending my lifestyle, no bullying, nothing.
I am not making a secret of who I am but I am also not making it conversation topic number one whenever I can.
It’s my own private life and I can share it if I feel safe with a person.
In reality apart from my husband (and you, the reader, as an anonymous crowd) I haven’t fully come out to a lot of people. Not even my own mom.
I think there are 4 or 5 people I completely came out to. I am happy with that. These people are very important for me and they are all great.

 

I hope this post helps those who seek for a few simple explanations. If you have any questions, please let me know in the comments.

Cheers

 

Women’s day

The international woman’s day was yesterday.

I don’t really want to go into the whole political issue that I see with this day. I have very strong opinions > very un-feminist but very humanist opinions. Maybe I will write a post about it at another point.

What I want to write about is something different.

I feel very uncomfortable on days like woman’s day. Why?
You might have read my coming out story where I told you how I found out about being bi. I mentioned being gender queer but didn’t emphasize that fact much in that post. All I did there was explain my journey growing up, finding myself weird, and eventually finding out why I feel that way and that it is ok to be and feel the way I do.
Being gender queer but looking very female is a problem for me on a day such as woman’s day. I can’t just hide from people for a day. I have stuff to do and I need to leave the house / use my computer.
When men bring a present for their girlfriends or go out that day, I am happy for those couples. When people feel good about making their political statements on women’s issues that day > well good for them.

But when I find myself being treated differently just because I have breasts, that is weird to me. All year long I can just avoid the topic all together, but then suddenly I get a flower (why?) or a chocolate (why?) or someone opens the door for me (why?) or let’s me go first (why?) or or or.
The rest of the year, there is nothing special but suddenly…
While some women embrace the day because they feel special, I don’t. My problem is not the “getting things” part. It is more the “suddenly people treat me like something I am not” part. Not complaining about getting some cake or a free coffee or whatever. I like getting things just as much as I like giving things. It is really just this odd gender crisis I get that day.
Now my brain does not perceive itself as female. Neither as male, just saying.

If you are a man, reading this right now, just imagine that everybody treats you like a woman for a day. They are not making fun of you, they mean it, they want to be nice. But would you not be weirded out?

This is one of those tiny things, that make it a little odd to just be myself at times. When I am perceived as something that I am clearly not. But people can’t know that unless I tell them and I do not feel like walking around on a day like that and telling everybody “Oh you don’t need to, I am not a woman!” when all they see in me is exactly a woman. They will think I am crazy and that is not something I want. I am just as crazy or normal as everybody else.

Thanks for letting me vent, internet.

Oh btw, I spent woman’s day at a gaming con. Had a blast. Played in a LARP and ran a tabletop game. 7 of the best hours I had so far, this year.