Pride Photos

I just wanted to show the internet a few photos from the pride parade 2015 in Dublin. I won’t write about it, just enjoy the pictures.

                              

 

Pride Parades

I went to my first pride parade when I was 15. It was in Munich and they called it “Christopher Street Day”.

My mom took me there back then. She told me that it is fun to see all the people so happy and dressed up in a big parade. She was right actually. I remember seeing a fun parcour-race-thing through our window, where some cross-dressers were running on high heels. Very fun and entertaining.
But I realised relatively quick that day that I enjoyed being there for more than just entertainment.
Well at 15 it wasn’t clear to me why I connected so well to the people in the parade and why it made me so extraordinarily happy to be there.
I went again the next year and then didn’t make it for the following few years. Only in recent years I have the time and the means to go again.

I have never been a big activist although I always held strong opinions. I just feel like I personally accomplish more for myself if I am simply true to myself. That is something that I only understood slowly and the full bandwidth of what that means is becoming more and more clear to me. It is not easy to be true to myself in every day life.

The Pride Parades all over the world stand exactly for that in my eyes.
They are about:

• Being true to yourself.
• Being honest to others.
• Educating society
• Acceptance
• Equality for everybody
• Showing that people who are not sexually and gender conform are still people

In every day life it is so difficult sometimes. People are used to stereo types. It just helps them understand the world. And if you are not the stereo type, people find it weird and difficult to deal with. They are unequipped to deal with a person that is not like the rest.

So what do people like me do on a daily basis?
Keep quiet, put on the “conformity mask”, and be our true self only at home behind closed doors. We tend to push aside the fact how much this can hurt us deep inside. We tend to push aside the fact that society should just accept people for who and what they are. It is difficult.

I am bisexual.
This is something that most people at least kinda get. For being bisexual, I am not a complete weirdo. Somehow I am “normal” but I also like girls. Somehow I am conform enough for people to not start asking silly questions. Sometimes I am being seen as the person that just can’t decide whether to be gay or straight but I am fine with that. Porn, the media, and the fact that girls sometimes randomly complement each other, did their job well in society.

I am gender queer.
This is something I need to hide. Every day when I leave my flat I gotta put on a mask. Yes, people know that I like odd things for a girl. But they, of course, do not understand that my whole brain is just not female. And no, “tomboy” does really not fit my profile. If I’d be myself outside my home, people would have a problem with my behaviour. It is not conform at all. There are a few outlets and the fact that at home, with my husband, I can be myself.
I do not behave lady like and being treated like a woman is very odd to me. I understand the good intention, after all I do look very female. But it feels weird.
Behind my closed doors, when I am with my husband or with very close friends, I will have too many male treats and that confuses people.
My behaviour sometimes seems contradicting, when, for example, I play with a nice knife and half an hour later do my nails. But that is me.

Pride Parades give me the hope that one day, people like me will be accepted fully and as a complete person, not just as what the eye meets.

I want to be able to:

• go to work with a “man shirt” and a vest without being looked at weirdly.
• talk about what I want and the way I want outside my home
• talk technical details about stuff at a shop instead of the fact that I can buy this item in different colours
• sit with open legs instead of having to close or cross them just because I look like a woman
• address some of my interests without being told that this is for girls or for guys
• walk through a clothing store without feeling odd because I wanna try on “men clothing”
• the list could go on and on

It is ridiculous how deep the gender norms go and how much they influence every day life when you have to hide who you are most of the time. People make so many assumptions about you and this is one of the things I would love to see gone from society. But it probably won’t happen, not in my lifetime and likely never.
The examples above look like small issues that aren’t worth complaining about. And yes, if it were only one or two things, I wouldn’t feel the need to say anything. But knowing that this is just a fragment of all the tiny things that add up over time, it is worth to address the issue as a whole.

Society needs to become more accepting towards people who do not fit into these neat boxes:

1. Vagina = Female = Behaviour xyz = Look xyz
2. Penis = Male = Behaviour xyz = Look xyz

Here is the thing.
We all tend to claim that we are open minded and have no prejudice. But the reality is, we see a person and automatically put them in a box. We are doing that because it kept us alive during evolution and probably still does in many situations.
But people should not be boxed and shelved in a binary system for sex and gender.

There are countries that officially recognize more than two genders independent from what sex someone was born with.
There are lots of things going very positive, especially in recent years.

• Germany added a third option for sex on birth certificates
• Ireland voted gay marriage into the constitution
• More and more countries accept that there are other orientations, not only straight
• Countries who treat lgbt people lower or unequal to the rest of the people are being more and more frowned upon
• There are children’s books about equality

So yes, change is happening and it is a good thing. 

And because change is happening, we cannot stop educating and being open. We cannot stop marching once a year. We need to stay open and friendly so society loses it’s fear and feels safe to ask questions and learn more.

A few points that I want to address because I read and hear these arguments so much. These are just the arguments that I see most frequent and that is why I address those:

• “Why do you even need a pride parade? Can’t you keep that at home?”
  No we cannot keep that at home. The parades are to show people that we are normal, fun, and open. We want to give society the chance, once a year, to just have fun with us and to approach us with all the questions and critiques. These parades are more educational than you might think and they have done a great job in the past. Let’s continue.
• “Our children should not see this!”
  Why not? Promoting equality to your children is a good thing. Promoting love and acceptance to your children is a good thing. Educating your child that, no matter how they turn out, they will be valued for who they are is a good thing. These events are positive and good for all age groups.
• “You chose this life style!”
  Yes, I chose my life style BUT my sexuality and my gender identification are not my life style. I was born this way. I cannot chose to be straight and I cannot chose to become a woman or a man. I can chose to hide, but it is unhealthy and hurts.
  If you want to prove me wrong: Go ahead, be gay for a year and while you are at it, also change your gender for that time. Should be easy.
• “You are not behaving natural!”
  I would like to see your scientific proof for that. Fact is that homosexuality has been observed across species on earth. From apes to cats to swans to even guinea pigs. Why those behaved the way they did, no one knows. But you personally are not the one deciding factor as to what is natural and what is not.
• “All religions forbid this behaviour. That must have a good reason!”
  First of all, it is not true that all religions forbid non-straight and/or gender queer behaviour. Second, religions are a construct that humans put in place conform to their norms and rules at the time the religion has been constructed. Especially anything about sex and gender roles has always been a big thing in religions. But the fact that they have always been a big thing doesn’t mean that religions are right about the teachings concerning these issues.
• “I don’t agree with homosexuality!”
  You don’t have to. It is ok to disagree. But you not agreeing with someone else’s sexual preferences will neither change them nor do society or yourself any good. Just deal with the fact that not everybody is the same. This is a learning process and it takes time. So take all the time you need and please ask questions if you have any.

Just be nice, be kind, have fun, and enjoy your life.
Accept each other and if you disagree with someone, be mature about it.

Cheers,
Leela

 

Month of pride

A year has passed and once again the pride parade is knocking at my door. 

Recently I read something about pride parades not being there because we want to march but because there is a need for society to acknowledge and accept people the way they are, no matter who they love and as what gender they identify.

Every year around this time, I think back at my journey. How I found my sexuality and how I started accepting myself the way I am. How I started to understand that it is okay to be me the way I am.
It was a bumpy road but it was worth walking this bumpy road.

I identify as a bisexual, gender queer person. I do not like to address myself as woman or man because I am neither. I am this weird thing somewhere in-between. If I like a girl, I will be a perfect gentleman. If I am with men, I can do the perfect “guy talk” without seeming weird. But if I am talking to women, I can have this discussion about dieting, motherhood, and hair dye. There might be more guy in me than there is girl but I feel good the way I am, especially since I started accepting myself.

Until society everywhere on the planet treats lgbt people just like everybody else, we shall keep marching every year!

I hope everybody is having a great June and at some point a great pride parade!

 

“Religious Freedom Restoration”

The newly signed law in Indiana (USA) has received a lot of attention and negative feedback and the more I read about it, the more I feel that the critics are right.

So what I understand, the state wants to make sure that businesses are not excluded from the whole religious freedom thing going on over in the US. So they put this law in place.

Yea on one hand, I understand that it can come in handy. Especially if you actually have a business and you only want to hire people with the same set of believes. I don’t care, so be it. If I owned a business, I would like to have the right to pick and chose my employees using my own criteria. And if one of those criteria is the religion, fine. Whatever. Call me ignorant.

But I feel that this was not the intend. There were two lawsuits just recently-ish, where a florist and a bakery refused service to gay couples BECAUSE the couples were gay and the business owners rejected them based on their Christian believes. How handy to make a law like this right now.
And the feat that the LGBT community voices about this new law is absolutely valid and legit.

If you own a business that serves the public, refusing service to people who do something that your religion doesn’t like, is not ok. This would be discrimination and actually not exercising your religious freedom. Your religious freedom ends where you start discriminating against other people based on your or their belief.

Religious freedom also means freedom from religion because I am free to not share your beliefs and you should not have a law on your side that says “either you share my religion or I may refuse you service”.

No one can tell me that this is not what this law intended. America is very big on religion and freedom but both is conditional. Your religion is fine as long as it is Christianity and your freedom is granted as long as you are not a critical thinker. Don’t question, don’t ask, and especially not when it comes to religion.

Now for those who are still ignorant and don’t get the connection between LGBT issues and religious freedom, let me spell it out for you.
Christian and Muslim dogma says that being gay is a sin punishable by death. Basically their holy books say that and how it is being practised is this: As long as you are not straight, you live in sin.
So if I am a Christian business, I do not have to serve a sinner (for example and very concentrated on LGBT people).

I was very happy when I heard of this big outcry. And Pence’s clarification about the intend does not matter at all. The intend doesn’t matter because business owners and lawyers are dirty. They take the word, written in the law and twist it to their needs. Fuck intend, be fair and take religion the fuck out of business and state affairs. Fuck you Pence!

My respects to big companies speaking out against this bullshit law:

The CEO of Apple:
http://fortune.com/2015/03/27/apple-indiana-gay-law/?utm_content=buffere328e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Angie’s List
http://www.addictinginfo.org/2015/03/28/indianas-new-anti-gay-law-made-this-company-cancel-40m1000-job-expansion/

 

And here a nice song that I just had to put here because it fits so well. Enjoy!

Lily Allen – Fuck you (very much)

 

Finding Tiger

I am trying to find Tiger

If you read my previous article > I mentioned a “Tiger” there.
She wasn’t just a crush for me. She was very important, she made me feel like a normal person and not like a freak.
I was this weird and desoriented teenage girl with a hippie mother and two out-of-control brothers. I had all those mental problems and didn’t just feel but actually was different.

When I first met Tiger back then, I just thought she was cool. She did a great job juggling, she taught me a lot of it. She had an open ear for my questions and most of all, she did not judge me by appearance or because I’d be acting a little weird sometimes.
I felt mentally save in her presence, the crush on her came much later.

Years later, when I was on a date with some girl, I saw her entering the same cafe with her own date. She recognized me, smiled at me but sadly we didn’t get to talk. I wish my date would have stopped babbling for a minute so I could have said “hi” to Tiger. I never saw her again after that.
Thinking back, she might have been one of the most important people for me back then and her influence on me is still present to this day.

If you are Tiger, and you are reading this, please message me!
If you know Tiger, and you are reading this, please message me or tell her to message me!

This is Tiger:
I have no picture of you.
I do know your full birth name, at least the one you carried back then, around 2000.You should be around 40 years of age now.
You have a large tatoo on your leg.
Your natural hair color was dark blond I think but as far as I remember you had it dyed.
Back then you were studying English and I remember that you were in Scotland or Ireland for a while (maybe one semester or so?)
You were at Zirkus Trau Dich in Munich and you taught me to juggle.
Last time I saw you was in “Glockenbackviertel” in Munich, that was aprox. 9 years ago.
I would love to hear from you!
So if you are reading this, please message me.

My contact email: clos3rlook <dot> at gmail <dot> com
If you are Tiger and you mail me, please mention your birthname in that email so I know it’s you and not a sick joke.

 

My coming out story

Trigger warning. If you are mentally unstable or depressed, you might wanna skip this as there are many triggers.

I am bi and now many people who read this will be like “Yeah right, what did you have to come out? Leave the coming out to all gays and lesbians, they got the real problems.”

And exactly that’s the problem. First of all, I am not just bi I am also gender queer and an atheist (the atheist part is another story though). Yep, I got a lot to come out and I am not out with everybody about everything. It’s a weird situation I am finding myself in. Usually I don’t care much. I try to kind of move the topic away from me.
My conclusion after a lot of mental stress and depression was > I am me. I just don’t fit in a box.

That’s just what I ended up with but let’s start from the beginning:
I was raised by a hippie. My mom let my brothers play with dolls and she let me play with cars. My brothers got barbies just like I got legos. Everything was great.
When my parents split up I stayed with my dad for a while. Not for long but he gave my boy-ish side exactly what I needed. We went fishing, fixed bikes, stripped wires, boxed in the living room, went to the shooting range, went on long hiking trips etc. It was not a perfect life with my dad and indeed I wanted to be with my mom but he did give me something that I never got from my mom.
My mom gave me exactly what my girl side needed. We crafted, made music, baked, etc.
There was never any talk about sexuality with me apart from the technical part. I knew how babies are made from a very early age. But that was pretty much it. There was never a talk about straight/bi/gay. There was never anything about what’s “normal” or “natural”.
The normal doctor playing, that kids just do, I did that with girls and boys. No one ever told me or my friends that looking at each other is not ok, so we looked, because we were curious.
When it comes to love, I never really understood it or felt it (but that’s another topic). I did understand, on an intellectual level, that people fall in love with each other.

I had my first real crush when I was in 11 years old. A boy in my circus group. A few more boy crushes followed and then we moved from the country-side to the city. At the new school I had crush on a girl for the first time. I had never heard of “gays” or “lesbians” before and knowing that “normally” a girl falls in love with a boy, I felt odd about it. I pressed this feeling away for a while. I never told her.

Her name was Susanne.

My brother introduced me to a group that was for poor kids. Basically a program to get poor kids off the street once a week and play circus together. I went there with my brother and learnt to juggle and to be a clown. I had my second girl crush there. I was 14 at that point and I liked the person that taught me juggling. We ended up leading the juggling group together later on. I never told her that I had a crush on her but I loved to be close to her. She had a bit of  a boy-ish touch to her, just as I did, and I could relate to her really well.

Her name was Tiger.

After Tiger I didn’t have a real boy-crush for a long time. Tiger had left a big impression on me.
I liked McGyver and Keanu Reeves, but who didn’t 😀

We lived in the gay-district of the city and this is the first time that I learnt about gays and lesbians. Not much though. I knew that guys could be with guys and girls could be with girls. I knew, again just intellectually at first, that they would do sexual things to each other but I did not have the imagination as to what could they do or anything like that. There was a gay bar right across the street and they had a “dark room”. My mom explained to me what a dark room is at that point.

When I turned 15 I was sure that I was a lesbian. I felt no need to tell anybody. I felt that it was no big deal. I did talk to my mom; what if I was lesbian and she said it would be fine, she’d accept that. That was all I needed to know and I let the whole thing rest.

We moved again after a while and I went to a new school again. I thought I was lesbian so imagine my confusion having a strong crush at both a girl and a boy in my class at the same time. At this point I was 16 or so. I felt that I really wanted to have my first time soon which made me very insecure about myself. I looked pretty good at that point and the guy I had a crush on actually (as I think back) had a crush on my too but nothing ever happened.

His name was Thomas.

The following years were just a very weird and very confusing time. Realizing that in addition to weirdly liking both genders (and never having heard of the concept of bi-sexuality) I also started realizing that I am not as girly as society expected from me.
“What a freak I am! I am weird and I am horrible!”
For various reasons I had already been clinically depressed for many years, so this just pushed me deeper into it. I didn’t realize that I was depressed until long after this time. Being humor less and thinking pessimistic about everything was just me, I functioned like a robot with all my issues, including gender and love, being pushed away so I could keep functioning.

I moved out when I was 21 and I started researching sexuality more once I got internet. And no, it was not porn. I actually researched what was wrong with me. I ended up learning a lot and I found the concept of bi-sexuality and that I am not the only person to feel that way. Just now a new problem came up for me. My mom had made weird comments about homosexuality for a long time. While I would fantasize about people my own gender, she obviously had this opinion that being lesbian is ugly.
I came out anyways because I found it important that if I come visit with a girlfriend, she should be prepared for that. She said that she didn’t care at all.
Bummer.
Maybe not as bad as being cast out of the family but bad enough considering how deeply depressed I was already at that point.

Feeling more and more how odd I am and how no one seemed to understand me, realizing that I still hadn’t had a relationship, trying to push away several traumatic experiences, … it was enough for me. I couldn’t handle it and I had no one to talk to. I stopped caring about myself. I have asthma and because I started hating myself so much, I started torturing my own body. I would not use my inhaler and then would go for a run until my lungs burnt and my hands and legs shook so bad that I couldn’t even unlock my door anymore, to go back home.
I would do push ups on my fists, punch walls, and even cut myself at some point. In addition I couldn’t sleep anymore and stopped eating.
At some point my two best friends made me realize how bad I am doing and that I should get help. So I did. (Thank you Andy and Sandy!! You were the only people who cared enough to say something!!)
Just that the therapy didn’t help. At some point the therapy was over and nothing was fixed.

At this point I figured that it wasn’t worth living anymore. I was 22 now and I planned my suicide. I didn’t tell anybody about it. I had planned that I am going to get my pets into good hands and then just do it. The day I wanted to do it, because it just felt like a good moment, somehow I didn’t. I stood at the edge, my brain wanted me to move forward this last step but… nothing. I wasn’t scared but my brain went clear for a moment. My thoughts were off for a tiny moment, and it felt good, and so I wanted to try once more.

I started working out my problems again. I realized that being bi is not a problem. I realized that I am not a girl in my brain but I also understood that I couldn’t change that. I met with a girl that I had met on the internet. She was super-nice and cute and sadly as shy as I was. We wanted to do it 😉 We never did because we were too shy.
I met with another girl. Turned out she had a girlfriend and wanted to cheat on her with me. Me having a feeling of honor, I did not want that. So no, I never called her again after that one evening at the cafe where nothing happened apart from her telling me how bad her relationship was.

I had a few very short romantic encounters with guys and then I met my husband.
Yes, I live in a straight relationship and my husband knows that I am bi.
I met him in an MMO. The first thing I ever told him was “I like your clothes” because his outfit in the game was cool. Not one day has passed since that first encounter, where we didn’t speak (apart from once when I had no internet for two days).
For the first time there was a person in my life who wanted me exactly for what I am and who did not judge me.

Coming out to him as being queer and feeling more guy-ish than girl-ish was difficult for me and I did that a year into our marriage. I was nervous and scared and the thoughts in my head just circled and mixed and circled and mixed. I had thought about what and how to talk but it didn’t come out how I wanted it. After I was done talking, he told me that he knew all of this and he was fine with it and that this is why he liked me. I had exactly the right amount of woman and exactly the right amount of guy in me.

PHEW!!!

Back to today.
I am playing minecraft on the server of a gay-website. People are really nice most of the time and today someone logged on and he told us his coming-out story.
He told us how difficult it was for him with his abusive father, being thrown out by his mother. He pretty much experienced the exact horror that many gay people are afraid of. Many are not coming out exactly because of it. They don’t want to lose friends and family over it so they keep it a secret. I felt so sad – once again. A few guys on the server also said how difficult it is for them and one even said that from the point of him realizing that he is gay until today, it’s been almost 7 years that he kept this secret. This is so horrible and painful that I could cry! I understand the kind of pain that these men must feel, I felt it too. I felt it different but I felt it and it was so horrible that I wanted to kill myself.

Our society teaches us that being gay or being off the norm is not ok – not normal – not natural – not christian – not conform – not whateverthefucktheywant

So here the counters:
Not normal: No one is normal!
Not natural: There have been many instances where animals were homosexual. I personally knew a guineapig, heard of swans, and cats who preferred their own gender as a mate.
Not christian: Brainwash someone else please!
Not conform: I do not have to be conform!

Please guys and gals!
Love yourself and care about yourself!
Please find people you feel safe with and talk to them instead of doing horrible things to yourself like I did.
Please don’t feel ashamed for being gay! Your are great the way you are.
You are worthy being loved and you are worthy loving.
You may be hurting now but it will go away and you will grow on it. Yes, you will actually grow on it.
You will never look back and say “Oh it wasn’t that bad” because that’s not true. But you will understand people better and you will learn.

If you feel suicidal, you can always call the emergency number > Europe 112 / US 911
LGBT support:
Ireland: http://www.lgbt.ie/get-support.aspx
USA: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
If you feel that you have no one to talk to, you don’t want to see a therapist, and you feel very down, also feel free to message me. In that case, please email me: clos3rlook <at> gmail <dot> com. Even if I can’t really do much, I can at least read your email and answer and you will have someone to talk to. If you email me, please consider that I live in GMT +0 so I might not be able to answer right away (work / time difference).