I get it now

09 Nov

About a week ago I realized why some people will commit suicide because of their work.

They have a good job, it pays fine, there are benefits, the co-workers are nice.
But something is wrong and very toxic. And this something can drive people to suicide.

I get it now.

My job is such a place and I am sure, if I stay there for much longer, I will fall back into my depressed and suicidal hole.

Here is the thing.
There are things that are just toxic and even a healthy mind cannot deal with it well, but a mind that is not healthy will die.

For example:

I can deal with high work loads, I can deal with stress, I can deal with annoying co-workers, I can deal with very dumb customers, I can deal with shift work, I can deal with working on holidays, and so on.

What I cannot deal with is unreasonable things. 
In my current job there is so much unreasonable, that I just cannot be me any more.
The idea that the customer has to be happy with the work I deliver is great and it was one of the reasons I wanted this job to begin with. But here is the thing. The company recently split. Since then the workload quadrupled. No I am not making this number up.
Now we were told to expect some difficulties during the first couple weeks.
But here is the thing. Things have gotten worse and worse. Now the workload has gone so high that it is impossible to work well any more. I barely get to read and answer every email from a customer. Of course the customers are not happy and we get bad ratings. Of course it is not the bad system but us, the customer care workers, who are at fault there.
I dared to ask if there is maximum number of assigned tickets. The answer was a very flowry and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
When my supervisor had a 1to1 with me, he asked me how I feel. I told him that I feel overwhelmed by the high workload. And his answer was also a very flowery and nicely phrased, “Fuck you, I would assign you more if it were up to me.”
So I come to work every morning, knowing that I cannot deliver the quality I am paid to deliver. Instead of that, I deliver nothing. The second I close one ticket, I get two more on top of it. There is no end, there is no proper break, there is no getting out of it.
And it isn’t even only that. On top of that, all (but one) team leaders are completely incompetent. Either physically hiding all day or having everything more important than helping out when they should. There are also three supervisors. Mine is very quiet and most of the time does what he should do. There is one supervisor who does not know professional boundaries to the people working under him. And there is the third supervisor who honestly only talks bullshit by trying to be social and human to everybody.

Recently I called in sick for a day because I just couldn’t take it any more. I went to the doctor and had the doctor give me a cert saying I had a stomach bug. This was a lie but sadly, mental instability is not something that is worthy of a day off.
My husband recently told me that he doesn’t like the way I am lately. Moody, cranky, bitchy, calling in sick. This is not me. But lately this is completely me.

Now I took steps. I started applying again and on Friday I have an interview. But imagine I’d be 50+ years old. I would not have a way out because at that age you won’t find a new job as easily. That is sad but true. Or people who do not have a wide skill set or people who don’t learn new things as easily as I do. I get it, when you do not see a way out. I get it, that you might feel that either you become a zombie without will and just go to work day by day hating yourself for what you are letting the job do to you. I get it when this is the only job you think you can have. I get it.

I am very happy that I have a husband at home who lovingly catches me every day and has my back. A husband who honestly tells me that he doesn’t think I should keep this job and encourages me to find something else.

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Posted by on November 9, 2015 in Uncategorized


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