Every month…

12 Sep

So most of the time, I try to keep my mind off my body because quite honestly, it reminds me that I am physically a woman and that sucks.

In a society that is fastly growing to accept people as who and what they are, people like me are still kind of… freaks and weird.

I am not being discriminated against or anything. No one at work is behaving hateful towards me. My few friends accept me as the person I am and my husband loves me exactly because my mind is not female.
I have received my fair share of bullying in my life but it was never because I was a girl. It was because I was poor or because I was introverted, etc. Never for being a girl ever. So for those, saying that people like me HAVE to have had a trauma that made them CHOOSE to not be their gender “anymore” > Nothing traumatized me and cause me to decide not to be a girl anymore. I have never been one.

I remember that feeling of not fitting in from when I was very little already. At the time when girls and boys started to separate because the interests became different, I started getting confused a little. Luckily at home me and my brothers were encouraged to just play and do and be ourselves.

At some point I decided I would like to become a man physically and started looking into surgeries and processes but medicine wasn’t very advanced for these things at the time. It still isn’t let’s be honest. Nowadays, even if I would go for surgery, the farthest I would go is getting the breasts removed, because I do not think that there is a method yet, like in mtf surgery, where a functional and normal looking penis could me made that even is able to feel nice during sex. I would miss that, so then I’d be the weird guy on the toilet who always goes in the cabin to pee. No thanks.

At some point I talked to my husband about the fact that if I could decide, I would get my breasts removed. I hinted towards the fact that I would like to transition too. I wasn’t very direct but I didn’t have to be. My husband made pretty clear that he loves me very much for who I am but he just doesn’t feel physically attracted to a male body. Back then he told me, he wouldn’t know if a marriage would still work if this part would be missing.

Considering the fact that I love this man over the top – all the troubles and hurdles we had to overcome to be and stay together. The fact that just recently I had a complete mental break down because he said something that triggered in me the fear that he could leave me (although, as he told me later on, there was no reason for me to fear that), shows a lot of love. I wouldn’t say dependent. I can let go even if it hurts, so if he would decide one day, that he needs to leave me for some reason, I would let go because I love him. But I do not want to be the reason for that. Therefore a surgery that brings me closer to physically being a man is out of the question.

I don’t know if there is something that can bring me closer anyway. My appearance is so female, my doctor… is nice but I don’t think would agree to treat me towards that. I don’t know how my husband would react if I said, ok I would like to transition…

But there is this one thing that I would like to change. We do want children, but after that, I would like my womb… to stop completely going through the cycle and I do not want to take the pill or contraception. I simply want it to be over with, gone. I know in order to be healthy, I need certain hormones that are, as far as I know, produced somewhere down there. But that fucking monthly cycle messes with my brain and it is fucking painful (blue balls for a week every month anybody?)Very annoying mix and I don’t want it and I never wanted it.

There was a time when I did not take the pill for many years and I stopped getting my period. The doctor told me, if I ever plan to have children, I should take the pill though, in order to not damage my womb any further. Well wonderful then…

I don’t know.

Every month I hate my female body even more than I usually hate it. I try to keep my mind off my body but then I step on the scale. I want to lose weight to have a healthy good weight but that would make me very… girly and sexy. Dayum back when I was slim, I had a really hot body. I am not slim anymore, I don’t want a girly hot body… I want a male hot body but I guess I won’t get one…

I can accept the fact that I am me and that I am trapped in this body until I die. I can accept that people will keep treating me like a woman because that is what they see. I can accept it all.

But I do need to vent once in a while because otherwise I will implode from holding back.

Also yes, you spotted that right. I am holding back, and I am not calling myself trans. For me, saying I am transgender, would mean that I am either in the process of or planning my transition. And neither is the case. I would like to transition but at the moment I will not do it and probably I will never.

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Posted by on September 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


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