Years back, when my depression was at its worst, I also started getting really bad anxiety.
As I healed, the anxiety got less and less until I forgot that this could happen to me at all.
The thing is, I can deal with stress pretty well.
- If the money runs out, I can deal with it.
- If bills start piling up, I can deal with it.
- If there is no food in the house, I can deal with it.
- If I too much responsibility is put on me at work, I can deal with it.
- If I have a bad week, I can deal with it.
I can pretty much deal with everything by now. I am an almost unsinkable ship.
But, just like all those “unsinkable ships”, I have my weak spots too and one of those has been poked. It’s my own fault to be honest. My schedule is pretty full already and I deal with that fine because everything has it’s order and I can always know what is happening.
Now last week a friend of mine told me that a coworker is opening a restaurant and because I am good with image editing and such stuff, he told her to ask me about designing flyers and such things. And because I am a nice person, I said yes. It’s a hobby so why not make a few Euro by doing what you like, right?
Well, it needed to be done fast.
My schedule already had a lot of things on.
So after I said “yes” it took about an hour until a panic attack kicked in. And I had no clue why I was feeling like this. In my head I had put the designing stuff in open slots in my evenings. All nice and neat. But I guess I realized that the way I wanted to do it, wouldn’t work. I realized that I have other deadlines too, for other things, especially one of the more urgent ones.
I only realized that I had a major panic attack when staying at work for 10 minutes longer made me freak out completely and I had to leave the building now NOW!!!
On my way home, that evening, I was shaking and almost crying. Now I am not a person that cries easily but you know, anxiety is like that. Reason doesn’t work on it, your body just does stuff and you can’t stop it.
Throughout that evening my husband was very sweet and helped me through it a bit.
During the past week, the anxiety did not leave me ever. It was there every waking moment and I was unable to really shake it off. When it got worse, I started chewing gum (that’s to trick your brain into calming down) and I stopped drinking coffee.
Only now, as the designs are finished, corrected, have been paid for, and I have not heard from the girl in hours, I can assume that she is happy and that I don’t have to put any more evenings into that. Only now, I can say that my anxiety is as good as gone.
But anxiety that doesn’t stop is exhausting. I feel like I ran a marathon for the past 4 days straight.
I guess what I can learn from this is:
* Yes, it can still hit me.
* I needs to leave enough free time for myself.
* I have to learn, how to politely say “no”
Will be fine after having a nice and relaxing day tomorrow.