It is this time of the year.
I am working a lot, not taking any days off and even covering weekends and public holidays. Yes, I admit, the benefits of doing that are pretty good. Most of the time, during the year, I just don’t take the time to reflect on things. Sure, stuff crosses my mind but I never take the time to actually think about things a lot.
We live in this fast paced world where you are always just one click away from another new adventure. We live in a time where 5 minutes is a long time. Things are planned down to the second and our brains are so highly stimulated by all that rush and hurry that we don’t ever take a break. So what about having a weekend? You stuff your weekend with hobbies, family, friends, cleaning, shopping, etc. You have to make sacrifices to ever go to the doctor, taking a sick day or a day off to do so. When are we ever taking a break anymore?
But this is the time of the year, when friends travel or visit family, where it is a bit less busy at work, where things just seem to go a bit slower. This is when we have some time to just sit down, lean back, close our eyes, and have a minute alone with our thoughts.
Here are some of mine:
Throughout the last year I was at a personal war and I lost. What war? Well I wanted, and still want to, get back to a weight I feel well with. I just did not have that discipline needed. It will be one of my goals next year to finally do it and feel good in my body again.
My little identity crisis that has been going on for so many years is not over yet either. Sometimes I can bury it and sometimes it just slaps me in the face. Every day I deal with the fact that my brain is not a female brain but my body is. I can deal with that, it is just really weird to see myself in the mirror sometimes. Being addressed and treated like a woman is sometimes really odd because I don’t identify as such.
Slowly I am getting tired of my life. I am only 30 and I know I have about 30-40 years to live before I kick the bucket but at this point in time there isn’t much to live for. I am not saying I wanna die either. It’s just this weird phase in my life.
Looking back a few years, yea things have improved a lot. But I still see no future. I love my husband but he is pretty much the only person I really care about. I have nice hobbies but I am constantly either too busy or too tired to do the stuff I like. Especially knowing that my guitars are not here…
I am pretty proud of what we are doing with the gaming community. It is growing slowly but constantly. And it seems that we are starting to be known a little more. There were 3 major things that proof that fact to me. 1. A pro gamer has recently commented on one of our recruitment posts, telling that he heard of us before. 2. We had a DDOS attack on our teamspeak server. 3. Another community tried to have our members cross over to their community.
For my own gaming “career”. Now that I have a good computer, I am going to stream on twitch and upload to youtube a lot more. I am planning on joining a competitive LoL team and finally play more ranked so I can go to gold or even higher. I think I am good enough, I just hate solo ranked so much that I never played after my placement matches.