The big disappointment

10 Oct

So today I was reminded why I am so far away from my family.
You see, sometimes I see co-workers or friends and how happy they are and excited every time they get to see their family. They start telling me about all the nice things they like to do when they are with the family and I must admit that sometimes I do get a little jealous.

My family is a big disappointment and every time I have something to do with any of them, I get that reminder. They are one of the two main reasons why I left the country and am not intending to ever come back.
My family has caused more pain than happiness in my life and I don’t think that that’s how it should be.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have a few good memories about my family. Sadly they are very few and the bad ones are just too much. Until I was finally able to leave my mom’s house it was terrible most of the time.
Mental abuse, constant fighting, constant worries, my brothers getting into trouble with the law so much, my father never being there in the first place, my step mother…. well…., my mom completely not able to be reliable, my grand parents unwilling to help, my extended family ignoring us away…. I had almost no friends because I was poor and weird and didn’t really fit in. We moved so much that I never got the chance to make friends and keep in touch. (And yea, that is just the family part that went wrong… I had a pretty fucked up life)
I was kept on such a short leash that I was unable to form my own opinions, find out how the world works, make mistakes and learn from them. I had no computer and ridiculous rules when to be at home (even at 17 years old I was told that if I am not at home by 8pm the key will be in the whole and turned and I can see where I stay for the night). I got in touch with the internet, and therefore all the knowledge, at 21, after I left my mother’s house.
Leaving that place is it’s own story – probably the first time I stood up for something I wanted and just did it. It felt good!

Only after I left my mom’s house was I able to finally find my way. Finally there was access to everything, via the internet. The amount of things I read and learnt, and finally was able to build my own opinions on all the things in life… That was immense.

But this shaddow, my family, was always somehow somewhere…. To gain distance, I moved to the other side of the country. It was not enough. Not only my family was a problem. The whole country, the system, not being able to ever receive the help that I had a right to, because I was a tad too healthy…. Well being a tad to healthy almost killed me. And when I realized how bad it is for me to stay in that country, I left.

For a while I needed my mom because I had to pay back a bank loan. I had the money but I needed to pay in monthly at a certain time. As I had no job and therefore no bank account in the new country, I asked my mother to pay the money in every month. I sent it to her via Western Union every month far in advance. But she was so unreliable and did it late so many times that I received letters from the bank a lot.
The thing with my mother is, she is a nice person… in general I mean. but she does not behave like a mom. Ever. I cannot count on her when it comes to anything important. Ever.Not even un-important things.
Like today I asked her for a childhood picture of myself with one of my siblings. I needed it for a LARP I play and organize. I needed it now so I just told her to make a photo of it and send it to me via facebook.
Instead of doing it (take the folder with the pics out and make a photo and send it) she rather told me how it is night, and not a good time, and the light is bad, and it is blablablabla just so she doesn’t have to do it. And again… As she started to get pissed I started to care less and less until I told her that it’s ok, I don’t need the picture.

I shouldn’t even feel disappointed about these things anymore. After all. I am 30 now, I have known her for 30 years and she has always been that way…

But still. I kinda measure people by my own standards (which are pretty high) and that is how my family can still drag me down because obviously their standards too low to even see the bottom at times.

ah well *sigh*

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Posted by on October 10, 2014 in Uncategorized


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