02 Mar

I have those days when I think.

Yes, ok, I think on a daily basis. Just like everyboy.

But you know those days, when there is something that just doesn’t go away, you just have to keep thinking about it. And usually it doesn’t matter if you can change things by thinking or you can’t, your thoughts will just circle at some point.

That’s what I am talking about.
During my very very depressed phase, this was my life. Circling thoughts were pretty much ruling my day. I was unable to do anything because it was so exhausting to think and think and think and never get a rest or at least a little break.
During that time I didn’t sleep well. Most of the time I had an hour or two per night. It just played into the whole state of being overly exhausted.
I actually ended up losing my job because I was not able to do it well anymore.

Well the same thoughts that used to keep me up at nights and that circled through my head unsolved and unresolved, are the once that tiring me right now, today March 2nd 2014.
The good thing is, that I don’t tend to slip into deep depression anymore.

I can’t even remember what triggered my thinking today but I am super exhausted.

What am I thinking about…

Mainly my childhood and how I grew up and all the things that happened to me. I am thinking about the different things that traumatized me and how difficult it was for me to get out of my depression which was caused by post traumatic stress disorder.
You know what happens if a lot of bad stuff happens to you and you keep pushing it away for years on end?
In the end you will collapse under all of it.
I used to say that enough shit happened to me fill two or three lives with it and up to this day I stand to this statement.
When I was 22 years old everything just started coming back. All the shit that I had pushed away to keep functioning inside the family and in society and at work and with friends etc. My well formed layer of protection just crumbled away and everything fell on me all at once. I was completely unprepared for it and I remember that on that day I went to work and I just collapsed. I just started crying and I couldn’t stop. My boss sent me to the doctor, my doctor sent me to the psycho-somatic emergency, that place wanted to keep me immediately. It cost me my last reserves to make the doctor believe me that I will not kill myself if she lets me go.
As you figured correctly, I am still alive. But that doesn’t mean that things weren’t that bad.
I had to go to a day clinic every day and spend 8 hours there for therapies.
None of the therapies helped me but what did help was all the free time I had, not having to work.
I was finally able to work through my life and just make peace with everything that happened.
All the problems caused by poverty, abuse, bullying, inconsistency, broken family, hopelessness, and so on. I read up on trauma and depression and therapeutic ways of working through everything. I tried therapy but it didn’t help because I didn’t want to talk face to face about what my problems were.
I found help on the internet. Forums and chat rooms for people like me helped a lot. Writing also helped me a lot. The amount of letters and poems and blogs and forum entries I wrote were so important. I am not a good talker but I am a good writer. Writing things down were my way to vent and to work though things. Letting people read it and reading the feedback also helped a lot. Also meditation were a great tool for me. Certain meditation techniques helped me to finally calm my mind down to a level were I could think and get to a solution.
I remember that during the whole time between my crash and the start of my self-healing process, I was always just an inch away from suicide. I never told a soul that I was planning it. People did notice that I had changed though. I lost weight because I stopped eating, I looked weak because I exhausted my body so much that my asthma kicked in very bad and I refused to use my inhaler, I would physically hurt myself in different ways, from burning myself with hot water to cutting.
I was a mess but somehow I got out of it after a few years.
Yes, this self-healing process took many years. To be honest from the point when I crashed under all of “the shit” it must have taken five to six years to get back on my feet.
I met my husband during that time and he had A LOT to do with me healing and becoming a person again.

This is what I am thinking today. I am thinking about more details though. About certain things that happened. I am going through whys and hows and ifs. I know nothing can change the past but the past just sometimes comes back and tells you “Hi look, I am part of you, I am not going away.” It kinda burns when that happens and it is very exhausting and I just wanna go back to bed and sleep 24 hours. But then I tell myself that yes, this is me. Without my past I wouldn’t be who I am today. And then I look at where I am standing now in my life, and things suddenly look so much nicer.

I am here, I breath, I love, I live.
I have a husband, a job I like, food on the table.
I even made it to being overweight, something that was unthinkable but now I have enough money to eat what I want and when I want. I love food so much. I don’t even really really care if I am overweight or not. I try to not cross the 100 Kilo marker and that is it for me. I am fit and happy and I eat whatever the fuck I want haha.
I love my husband, I love the fact that sometimes we can afford something nice.
End of March we are traveling for a long weekend and I am looking forward to it. I am also a little scared because I will face part of my past at that point but the fact that I can afford nice things sometimes makes it worthwhile.
I have hope and a future and 30 – 40 years of life ahead of me.
What will they bring? Will I live for the next big scientific breakthrough? Will the zombie apocalypse happen? Will I have a child or two? Will I stay in Ireland or move somewhere else again?
Live is great!

But today I am thinking.

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Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


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