Just smile!

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Recently I saw a video of a guy I am subscribed to on youtube. He usually makes something gaming related but he also vlogs from time to time. Over all great guy and very funny. I was very surprised when he made a very serious vlog about depression. I was surprised because it is very difficult to make other people understand how it feels and that it is nothing against them.

I don’t want to rephrase what he said, I would rather add some stuff.

When people try to help, they really mean well. The problem is the approach. A lot of times they will say things like:

  • Just smile!
  • Just do something fun!
  • Just go out with me!
  • Just do something you like!

Yes, for you it might sound like a “just this”. In reality you can’t feel happiness. When you are depressed, the feeling of happiness is nowhere to be found. You stare at your favourite book, at the instrument that you usually enjoy playing, at the whatever your hobby is, and you feel nothing but sadness. You can’t do something fun because nothing is fun. You can’t go out because you feel too weak. You can’t do something you like because you like nothing.

Someone who is clinically depressed (meaning that a doctor diagnosed you) can’t just simply snap out of it. It feels like there is no colour in the world. Everything is just grey and black. Everybody else seems to be happy. No matter what effort you make, you can’t be happy like them. This depresses you more. You question yourself and every bad choice you ever made. You, unconsciously, block out everything that you have ever done right and if you don’t block it out you know that it was not your own effort (even if that’s not true). Things that usually make you smile are now not interesting. Food doesn’t taste good and you don’t have an appetite anyways. You forget to eat or you use the feeling of hunger to prove to yourself that you are still alive and that you can still feel *something*. You try to force your body to feel things because your have no emotions. You don’t care about hygiene and order anymore. You stink and your place looks like a trash depot. Nothing is interesting and all your problems seem impossible to solve. You are forgetful and tired and people get annoyed at you for it. In return you hate yourself even more.

It is not a choice to feel depressed and it is not simply being sad.

Simply said, if you are depressed, there is nothing that can lift your spirits.

I was depressed for the majority of my life (20 years) and just recently (about two years ago) found ways to detect when I am slipping and to do something against it. Why not earlier? Therapy doesn’t work on me so I needed to work everything out on my own. I had to find my own techniques and I had to study myself a lot.
The first step of this was realizing that depressed is not a state that I want to keep. I didn’t know that I was depressed. I knew I didn’t like how I felt and that not everybody felt that way but I did not know that this can be changed.

If you care deeply about someone who is sincerely depressed:
Try not to force anything on them. Just be available and make clear that you are available. Be there physically. Bring a cake or a book. Offer to listen, to talk, or just to be company. Don’t say “I know what you feel” because it is likely you don’t. Don’t feel sorry for them, just be there. Being there is usually the only thing that you can do. If it is not possible to be there in person, send them a text, call them. Anything, just make yourself available.

If you are depressed:
I know how difficult it is to open up even to your best friend. Just let them be with you, it’s for your own good. Make sure you have someone to talk. And if you don’t feel like talking about the cause of your depression, talk about something else. Or just sit there in silence and know that someone is there for you. Don’t be alone in this difficult time, you need someone by your side, even if you are telling yourself that you are strong and you can do it alone. It’s not about being strong or weak. You feel this way and it can go away but you need to be the one working on it to go away.

If you need to talk and you have no one to talk to, you can do one of the following:

  1. Call a help line, for example:
    * AwarenessHelpline in Ireland 1890 303 302
    * Breathing Space in Scotland 0800 83 85 87
    * Childline in the UK 0800 1111
    * Get connected in the UK (young people / free) 0808 808 4994
  2. Get in touch with me:
    If you don’t like to call somewhere, you may send me a message and I will offer you an open and non-judgmental ear.
    * Comment here and mention your mail address (I will not publish that comment but simply write back to the mail address you provided)
    * Send me a message to clos3rlook <at> gmail <dot> com
    If you don’t know what to write, in case you decide to send a message my way, don’t sweat it. A simple “hi” is a great conversation starter ;) I won’t force you to say anything.

Here is the video I was talking about in the beginning:

 

Gamescom madness – Day 2

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I have a very light sleep so naturally, with all the new noises in the hostel and people constantly arriving or going out, I woke up like 5 times. The room is very small so it is also very hot in there. That got me super thirsty and my asthma kicked in. Problem, I was so tired, that I just could not move. I wanted to reach the water but I am in the upper bed and I was so stiff from being tired and sleepy that I was simply unable to get there. Same reason why I couldn’t open the window.

Well the good thing is that I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm :D

Breakfast in the hostel was unusual rich. I know that usually in a hostel (at least in ireland) they offer tea, coffe, and sometimes juice. And for food they offer toast with  jam, butter, or nutella. But here there was Musli, different types of bread, salami, saussage, cheese, honey, cocoa,….. like seriously if they would put fruit as well, that could be a low budget hotel breakfast :D

The train in the morning was as stuffed as it should be at that time on a workday. So I didn’t notice, but I can’t compare with a “normal” day so whatever lol. The ride was like 20 minutes.
We could see the entrance area of the gamescom from the train and if that wasn’t enough even a blind man would have found his way there because there was a huge amount of people going just there.

Getting in took forever because of the mass of people. I think it was at least half an hour but likely more. I just felt very entertained by all the cool people I saw. Cosplaying, looking around who else had a Teemo hat. Stuff like that. Just soaking in the whole athmosphere. Having this amount of people around and everybody is nice and calm, pretty cool.

Anyway, here are a few images of the gamescom. I love cosplay and league of legends, so no surprise where the focus is here haha.

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Cosplay:
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IMGA0005IMGA0964IMGA0994IMGA0982IMGA0985IMGA0987IMGA0976IMGA0016

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Misc.
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IMGA0997IMGA0962IMGA0017IMGA0009IMGA0001IMGA0039

Gamescom madness – Day 1

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I decided to make this a little bit of a diary or so. I am in Germany for 4 days. Well the first one is almost over. I will basically write this post and then go to bed because I gotta get up early tomorrow.

So we (the husband and I) just kipped sleep for a night because our flight was going at 7am. Getting up at 4 am after like one hour of sleep (I am a night owl, sorry) is just plain idiotic because I will be more tired after one hour of sleep than if I don’t sleep at all.

So check in and flight etc went all fine. I did not forget my Teemo Hat so I am all set. Everything is great haha.

I had some trouble with the ticket machine for the train. It took me forever to find the ticket that I knew existed because I had checked with the hotline to make sure. Once I found it, turned out it was more expensive than I initially thought. Not much though.
Well we found the hostel alright. Staying at the Backpackers is Dusseldorf (as they spell Düsseldorf everywhere else. It’s fun because this way it means “moron village” but hey, who am I to judge lol)

We went for an early lunch, got some food for dinner, and then waited a little in front of the hostel.
IMGA0939 This picture is in the backyard of the backpackers. Looks cool, eh :D

After resting a little bit we went to Cologne.
Once we got there, it started raining like crazy. I have a problem. My hair was just died and the colour still comes out when it gets wet so I got a bit very scared of having my clothes all in red.
My man was so sweet to swap jackets with me because his jacket is semi water proof and my hair made it somewhat damp but at least not soaking wet until I got myself an umbrella.

We went to see Hohenzollernbrücke (Hohenzollern Bridge) because of all the locks that couples keep putting there.
IMGA0946

After that we went to see the dome. I didn’t make an outside picture of it yet because I would like the picture in dry weather. But what I found inside:
IMGA0949 IMGA0954 IMGA0959
Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me.

On the way back I noticed how close the stop Messe Deutz is. It’s one train stop from the Central station. If I were to miss my stop I could just walk that distance within like 15 minutes or so.

I even saw people walking around with stuff from gamescom already. Goodie bags with Sims stuff, key chains, those wristband things (with the colour code for your age and all). Even saw some people on the way to the gamescom camp site. That rain though.

I just checked out what Riot Games has to offer over the days. I found that there will be a QA with SivHD which is pretty neat if you ask me. I just don’t know if that will be on one of the days where I attend.
The second, and way more amazing thing is the fact that fnatik is playing on Friday and I have a ticket for
gamescom on Friday. Guess who will be there. *nerdgasm*

Nothing more to add right now.
Get more tomorrow.

Gamescom, I’m coming!

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gamescomprep

On Wednesday I am flying to Germany to go to gamescom so right now I am just cleaning my place, emptying SD cards, charging batteries, packing, buying stuff, and so on.

I am happy to have a nice ending to my 2 week holiday. Today I noticed that my dark rings under my eyes are less dark and I feel generally more relaxed. Gamescom will be great, especially because I am going there with a completely free and chilled mind.

I travel light so everything that my husband and I are traveling with actually fits on a small armchair and we just bring that one travel-size backpack. Traveling light is good because we don’t have to carry a lot of stuff and moving around is much easier.

I will be meeting up with some people on Wednesday and Saturday and I will be attending gamescom on Thursday and Friday. So much time to stroll around, see all the new games that are coming out, maybe try some games.

Things that are on my list to check out at the gamescom:

  • Riot Games / League of Legends
  • Cosplay area
  • Minecraft
  • Nintendo

I am not sure what my husband wants to check out or try. We will probably stand in line a lot if we want to try a few new games. I know there is a great outdoor area where you can sit down and relax a bit.

Also the two free days will be great. Meeting people and doing some sightseeing.

We learnt from our last weekend-holiday and prepared more spending money this time. We prepared 100 Euro spending money per day and I hope that we will be fine this time. Last time we made it home with the last few euro in my pocket being spent on the bus from the airport to our house.

GAMESCOM, I’M COMING!

Leaving religion

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I’ve been an atheist for about 5 years now.

My religion was not one of the “main stream” religions. In fact I know of nobody who ever left this religion. Why? Because it is just too tempting to stay in. My religion worked with a lot of positive reinforcement and the things you were afraid of were everything BUT leaving the religion. This stuff was not taught like a usual religion, it did not behave like one. It had all the components of a religion though.

I used to be a witch.

It is not the same as being a christian, moslem, hindu, or anything like that. It is very different. Since there are almost no people who ever leave witchcraft I was on my own.
When I started asking the critical questions and researching everything, I found no atheists who had been through the same. I only knew ex-christians and while some parts of our stories were somehow a bit alike, most of it was very different.

I already had my own student who was eager and I taught him all those witchy things. My student was 13 when I accepted him. And he was the beginning for me to lose my faith. He asked me very honest questions about everything and this is something that I encouraged. I had to, somehow, explain everything to my student.
His questions went deeper than I had ever had anybody ask me about witchcraft.
My generic answers weren’t enough for him and so, as his mentor/teacher, I had to research deeper as well.
Over time, more and more, I got the feeling things in witchcraft only worked because of psychology.

The more I tried to prove things, the further away did I drift.

Now just like Christianity has this fear of hell that keeps people from leaving and it also keeps people fearing hell after leaving the religion, witchcraft has something like this as well.
While there is no fear of hell because witchcraft has no hell, there are other things that you fear. Bad spirits, ghosts, negative energies, bad thoughts, magic mind attacks, negative rituals that target you, reincarnation (which can also be scary in some scenarios, and mine was), and many more.
Leaving witchcraft meant that everything that makes your life save and secure from all these things would be gone. And somehow your brain doesn’t make that leap to understand that if you leave witchcraft, that also those bad things are gone.

Anyway, moving on:

I moved in with my boyfriend who was in a similar place – spiritually – as I was. He was in the process of losing the last bits of Christianity. He had found a few really good podcasts on YouTube. The Atheist Experience and The Thinking Atheist were the first two atheist programs that I ever listened too. While they made a lot of sense to me and I learnt a lot about Christianity, there was never anything about witches and that was a problem. Why? Because they were great at debunking everything a Christian said but all the questions that were still in my head stayed there.

I asked myself everything and I did not want to debunk my own brainwashed self. But I just found too much real information and science behind things. It was so frustrating and scary to leave all of it behind.
And even more frustrating that there was no ex-witch ever to talk to. I now had a lot of atheists to talk to, but they usually came from some godly religions and I didn’t feel like anybody understood me. I had to draw parallels to Christianity to make points. But the problem is that witchcraft is completely different.

The last two things I lost, from my belief system, were fate and reincarnation.

It took me very long because these were the very core of my life. I had so many defense mechanisms to keep them, that it just took longer. I am not even going to debunk those right now because that would take too long.

Sometimes I still feel like I should go back. Sometimes I still feel like some of the believes I used to have might be true.
In these cases I have to pretty much explain to myself why exactly I had to drop those believes. I am so tired of it.
The idea of reincarnation is still so deep in me. I understand all the science and the reason that I heard and that was told to me. I even agree. But something in me still says “but what if….”

When will this stop?

Gamer Girl vs. feminist

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You know hardcore feminists who get super defensive and aggressive when you call their shit?

So I was recently added to a group on Facebook that has a bunch of hardcore feminists in it. Some things that people post in this group are actually mildly interesting but most of the time I don’t even bother to click and check the posts and links.

Today someone posted a link to a gaming related article so in this case I went ahead and had a look because gaming duh.

So this is me > Gamer, reader, writer, thinker, partially woman.
In addition I am a humanist. I am for equal rights for everybody. No matter gender, sex, origin, religion (or lack thereof), disability, age, etc.
I am not a feminist whatsoever.

In the article a woman working in a top position in gaming, I think a developer, is complaining about how she is being treated. She also lists different women, telling their, of course very negative, experiences with men in the gaming industry.

So between all the rambling about male privilege, threats, not being taken serious, being a sex object, what people think, what the “reality” is, and so on… All I got out of this lengthy article was a lot of whining.
“I have an idea and no one listens”
“The bad men are being rough to me”
“Weird fans at gaming events”etc…

Are you fucking serious? Really?

Let me quote something from the article here:

“We’re told it doesn’t matter, to grow a thicker skin, and that men go through the same thing.”

Like it or not but that is exactly the case!

My gosh, I am gaming with guys every single day. I am leading a big online gaming community. The shit people talk from time to time is nothing to take serious. I even received a death threat once and guess what, I don’t care. Why? Because those who do rage and threaten are idiots who take themselves too serious.
When I am with my gaming friends, talking and playing for hours each and every single day, you know what, they will poke the exact same kind of fun at me as they do to each other. They will be rough with their statements, very honest, and actually pretty cool.
The occasional boob joke I directed towards me is being washed away by an occasional dick joke from my side. Everybody gets their laugh and the situation is gone.

I haven’t seen male privilege in gaming to be honest.
No one told me that I can’t buy this game because I am a woman.
No one told me I can’t apply for a job in the industry because I am a woman.
No one even looked at me weird or surprised when I told them I want to work in the gaming industry.
Gaming women are more and more out of the closet because it is becoming normal. Everybody is finally getting used to it and that’s good.

Two more points that I need to address:

1. Threats:
The complaint about getting threatened with rape, having stalkers, etc.
I am very sure things are being blown out of proportion here, sorry. If someone makes an unfunny rape joke towards you, that’s not a threat. In a business environment no one will threaten anybody with sexual violence. And online, who the fuck cares what kind of threat someone give to you online. Guess what, I was in the after game chat on LoL and had a guy flame me and tell me that he will take a train to where I live and kill me. You know what I did? I laughed. Who the hell is that, and how does he think he can find me? Just another rager.
And the stalker thing? I had stalkers in the past. Three times. Guess what I did in this case? I learnt from it. I took down almost all data that can identify me personally from the internet. My real, married name is nowhere on the internet apart from one single place, and that’s because of work. And even that is stuff that can’t have me tracked in any way. I learnt from this so well, so now I can feel safe.
I find it ridiculous to hear from some girl that she had to call the police because someone said something to her on the internet. Goodness, grow up!

2. That facebook group:
I made a very short comment on that group on facebook. expressing in a very compressed way, what you just read. The answer of someone in that group was “Leela, I hope that was sarcasm”
Well sorry to disappoint and I know you don’t want to hear this, but no, it was not sarcasm. I meant every single word. I refuse to answer to your statement because I have been on the internet and I learnt when I have to shut up in order to not being pulled into a pointless and annoying discussion with an idiot.

Yes, I will stay in that group. It’s somewhat of a case study for me. Trying to learn more about these type of people without really interfering.
I will not disclose the name of the group or any members.

Here is the article I am talking about:

http://www.polygon.com/2014/7/22/5926193/women-gaming-harassment

AT lol ingame flamers

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I am flaming the flamers now!

I usually see that I play in the middle of the night, so I don’t have to deal with raging teenagers but it’s summer holidays now so no dodging the kids for 2 months.

I play a match, that Wukong player starts flaming from minute 5 and doesn’t stop. I tell him to stop and just play. I explain that he misses opportunities every time he types in the chat (while I’m dead dead) but he keeps going.

He starts a surrender vote and of course we lose because by that time he had worn the whole team down.

I personally am no rager and I usually mute everybody instantly who annoys me. Just sometimes I think that calming people down will help. I am so naive, sorry…

So here, once and for all

@ all the ragers and flamers in LoL

You guys are assholes!

Why?

  • You drag down a whole team and YOU make the team lose by doing that.
  • You are in NO WAY more skilled then anybody else – quite the contrary, fucker!
  • Every time you call someone else a noob, you show that you will be stuck in Bronze 5 until you drop the game.
  • Every time you blame somebody else for your death, you show that you are mechanically unskilled.
  • Every time you shout “why u no ss?” you show that you have no fucking map awareness whatsoever
  • Every time you blame your support or jungler for any of your mistakes, you proof to the team that you are an asshole
  • You shout at everybody because you have no idea about this game
  • You go solo and force the rest of the team into impossible situations because you have to “split push”
  • You watch LCS thinking that you can do those cool things too but guess what, you are not XPeke or Dyrus or WildTurtle so no, you cannot do those cool things too.
  • You run around telling your team “build armour, they are only AD” when there are 3 AP champs in the enemy team.
  • You panic and rage ping the whole map making it impossible to listen to the few important pings.
  • You refuse to communicate when it’s important but you have the time to rage
  • You think this is an ego shooter and have to show how manly you are but guess what > it’s a team game. If you wanna play solo, play GTA or Fallout or something.
  • You stand at the shop for a whole minute?! Hey if shopping is so great, go play the Sims! Please, you are playing ranked, know what you want to buy – buy it – and go back into the game…
  • If you are so great, asshole, then why are you still in BronzefuckingFIVE? Tell me, oh you my guru.
  • If everybody else is a noob but you, then how comes you play in low elo? Ah sure, yes, I know, you are Korean Challenger and this is your smurf. Right right, sorry I forgot.
  • You start surrender votes after whining for 15 minutes but guess what, I will not press surrender, because FUCK YOU that’s why

I will report every single one of you fuckers because you suck the fun out of a game I love. I hope you get your sorry ass banned from every server of every game. Go play monopoly if you love raging so much.

I have a lot of patience. A LOT of it, I promise that. But at some point… when I see what type of games I lose, I get SO SO frustrated.

This is the type of game I lose:

People fight in champion select over the bans and the lanes. Then they fight over the champions picked. Then they force me into support because last pick. I have no problem playing support, I like it. I have a problem if my ADC is an idiot who can’t differentiate between me harassing the enemy and me engaging. I have a problem with my ADC not last hitting and not taking the few opportunities they get to poke. I have a problem when I am doing the best I can with zoning the fucking enemy so my fucking idiot ADC can farm in peace and then I see that he is still fucking outfarmed. Are you fucking serious?

I made a promise to myself. If I have to support and my ADC has less that 80 CS by 15 minutes, I will steal his fucking farm and build AP instead of support because someone needs to carry the fucking game and my ADC who doesn’t farm is of no use anyway. Fuck you, give me those minions, at least that gold is in good hands.And I swear, you dare flame me, I will leave your fucking botlane. Yo pro, go and deal with that shit alone instead of making me waste my time that could be used helping someone who can appreciate it.
Also PLEASE we are in Bronze, I don’t want to know how well you learnt some websites by heart. I don’t care what counters what in your opinion. Counter picking doesn’t ducking matter on this skill level. Play what you know well and you will win your lane, I promise. Stop counter picking just because someone tells you to. If you are shit at the counter you will lose your lane and you will feed.

I have time for about 3 matches per day. You know why? Because I have a job and I get home at 6:30pm so I get to play at 8pm unless other things need to be done. I want to have fun and I want to rank up. You assholes waste my time by making a whole team lose with your fucking flame.

Also, I play this for fun. I will not listen to your fucking flame and blame. I will not do what you say, and I will – in addition – build whatever I think fits the situation best. I will fucking carry myself out of this shit. And I will laugh at you when I am Gold 1. When I play my promo to Platinum and you are still in Bronze 5, calling everybody else a noob.

Grow up, you idiots.

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Raging at the ragers outside the game feels good! I am done :)

Cheers