Leaving religion

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I’ve been an atheist for about 5 years now.

My religion was not one of the “main stream” religions. In fact I know of nobody who ever left this religion. Why? Because it is just too tempting to stay in. My religion worked with a lot of positive reinforcement and the things you were afraid of were everything BUT leaving the religion. This stuff was not taught like a usual religion, it did not behave like one. It had all the components of a religion though.

I used to be a witch.

It is not the same as being a christian, moslem, hindu, or anything like that. It is very different. Since there are almost no people who ever leave witchcraft I was on my own.
When I started asking the critical questions and researching everything, I found no atheists who had been through the same. I only knew ex-christians and while some parts of our stories were somehow a bit alike, most of it was very different.

I already had my own student who was eager and I taught him all those witchy things. My student was 13 when I accepted him. And he was the beginning for me to lose my faith. He asked me very honest questions about everything and this is something that I encouraged. I had to, somehow, explain everything to my student.
His questions went deeper than I had ever had anybody ask me about witchcraft.
My generic answers weren’t enough for him and so, as his mentor/teacher, I had to research deeper as well.
Over time, more and more, I got the feeling things in witchcraft only worked because of psychology.

The more I tried to prove things, the further away did I drift.

Now just like Christianity has this fear of hell that keeps people from leaving and it also keeps people fearing hell after leaving the religion, witchcraft has something like this as well.
While there is no fear of hell because witchcraft has no hell, there are other things that you fear. Bad spirits, ghosts, negative energies, bad thoughts, magic mind attacks, negative rituals that target you, reincarnation (which can also be scary in some scenarios, and mine was), and many more.
Leaving witchcraft meant that everything that makes your life save and secure from all these things would be gone. And somehow your brain doesn’t make that leap to understand that if you leave witchcraft, that also those bad things are gone.

Anyway, moving on:

I moved in with my boyfriend who was in a similar place – spiritually – as I was. He was in the process of losing the last bits of Christianity. He had found a few really good podcasts on YouTube. The Atheist Experience and The Thinking Atheist were the first two atheist programs that I ever listened too. While they made a lot of sense to me and I learnt a lot about Christianity, there was never anything about witches and that was a problem. Why? Because they were great at debunking everything a Christian said but all the questions that were still in my head stayed there.

I asked myself everything and I did not want to debunk my own brainwashed self. But I just found too much real information and science behind things. It was so frustrating and scary to leave all of it behind.
And even more frustrating that there was no ex-witch ever to talk to. I now had a lot of atheists to talk to, but they usually came from some godly religions and I didn’t feel like anybody understood me. I had to draw parallels to Christianity to make points. But the problem is that witchcraft is completely different.

The last two things I lost, from my belief system, were fate and reincarnation.

It took me very long because these were the very core of my life. I had so many defense mechanisms to keep them, that it just took longer. I am not even going to debunk those right now because that would take too long.

Sometimes I still feel like I should go back. Sometimes I still feel like some of the believes I used to have might be true.
In these cases I have to pretty much explain to myself why exactly I had to drop those believes. I am so tired of it.
The idea of reincarnation is still so deep in me. I understand all the science and the reason that I heard and that was told to me. I even agree. But something in me still says “but what if….”

When will this stop?

Gamer Girl vs. feminist

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You know hardcore feminists who get super defensive and aggressive when you call their shit?

So I was recently added to a group on Facebook that has a bunch of hardcore feminists in it. Some things that people post in this group are actually mildly interesting but most of the time I don’t even bother to click and check the posts and links.

Today someone posted a link to a gaming related article so in this case I went ahead and had a look because gaming duh.

So this is me > Gamer, reader, writer, thinker, partially woman.
In addition I am a humanist. I am for equal rights for everybody. No matter gender, sex, origin, religion (or lack thereof), disability, age, etc.
I am not a feminist whatsoever.

In the article a woman working in a top position in gaming, I think a developer, is complaining about how she is being treated. She also lists different women, telling their, of course very negative, experiences with men in the gaming industry.

So between all the rambling about male privilege, threats, not being taken serious, being a sex object, what people think, what the “reality” is, and so on… All I got out of this lengthy article was a lot of whining.
“I have an idea and no one listens”
“The bad men are being rough to me”
“Weird fans at gaming events”etc…

Are you fucking serious? Really?

Let me quote something from the article here:

“We’re told it doesn’t matter, to grow a thicker skin, and that men go through the same thing.”

Like it or not but that is exactly the case!

My gosh, I am gaming with guys every single day. I am leading a big online gaming community. The shit people talk from time to time is nothing to take serious. I even received a death threat once and guess what, I don’t care. Why? Because those who do rage and threaten are idiots who take themselves too serious.
When I am with my gaming friends, talking and playing for hours each and every single day, you know what, they will poke the exact same kind of fun at me as they do to each other. They will be rough with their statements, very honest, and actually pretty cool.
The occasional boob joke I directed towards me is being washed away by an occasional dick joke from my side. Everybody gets their laugh and the situation is gone.

I haven’t seen male privilege in gaming to be honest.
No one told me that I can’t buy this game because I am a woman.
No one told me I can’t apply for a job in the industry because I am a woman.
No one even looked at me weird or surprised when I told them I want to work in the gaming industry.
Gaming women are more and more out of the closet because it is becoming normal. Everybody is finally getting used to it and that’s good.

Two more points that I need to address:

1. Threats:
The complaint about getting threatened with rape, having stalkers, etc.
I am very sure things are being blown out of proportion here, sorry. If someone makes an unfunny rape joke towards you, that’s not a threat. In a business environment no one will threaten anybody with sexual violence. And online, who the fuck cares what kind of threat someone give to you online. Guess what, I was in the after game chat on LoL and had a guy flame me and tell me that he will take a train to where I live and kill me. You know what I did? I laughed. Who the hell is that, and how does he think he can find me? Just another rager.
And the stalker thing? I had stalkers in the past. Three times. Guess what I did in this case? I learnt from it. I took down almost all data that can identify me personally from the internet. My real, married name is nowhere on the internet apart from one single place, and that’s because of work. And even that is stuff that can’t have me tracked in any way. I learnt from this so well, so now I can feel safe.
I find it ridiculous to hear from some girl that she had to call the police because someone said something to her on the internet. Goodness, grow up!

2. That facebook group:
I made a very short comment on that group on facebook. expressing in a very compressed way, what you just read. The answer of someone in that group was “Leela, I hope that was sarcasm”
Well sorry to disappoint and I know you don’t want to hear this, but no, it was not sarcasm. I meant every single word. I refuse to answer to your statement because I have been on the internet and I learnt when I have to shut up in order to not being pulled into a pointless and annoying discussion with an idiot.

Yes, I will stay in that group. It’s somewhat of a case study for me. Trying to learn more about these type of people without really interfering.
I will not disclose the name of the group or any members.

Here is the article I am talking about:

http://www.polygon.com/2014/7/22/5926193/women-gaming-harassment

AT lol ingame flamers

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I am flaming the flamers now!

I usually see that I play in the middle of the night, so I don’t have to deal with raging teenagers but it’s summer holidays now so no dodging the kids for 2 months.

I play a match, that Wukong player starts flaming from minute 5 and doesn’t stop. I tell him to stop and just play. I explain that he misses opportunities every time he types in the chat (while I’m dead dead) but he keeps going.

He starts a surrender vote and of course we lose because by that time he had worn the whole team down.

I personally am no rager and I usually mute everybody instantly who annoys me. Just sometimes I think that calming people down will help. I am so naive, sorry…

So here, once and for all

@ all the ragers and flamers in LoL

You guys are assholes!

Why?

  • You drag down a whole team and YOU make the team lose by doing that.
  • You are in NO WAY more skilled then anybody else – quite the contrary, fucker!
  • Every time you call someone else a noob, you show that you will be stuck in Bronze 5 until you drop the game.
  • Every time you blame somebody else for your death, you show that you are mechanically unskilled.
  • Every time you shout “why u no ss?” you show that you have no fucking map awareness whatsoever
  • Every time you blame your support or jungler for any of your mistakes, you proof to the team that you are an asshole
  • You shout at everybody because you have no idea about this game
  • You go solo and force the rest of the team into impossible situations because you have to “split push”
  • You watch LCS thinking that you can do those cool things too but guess what, you are not XPeke or Dyrus or WildTurtle so no, you cannot do those cool things too.
  • You run around telling your team “build armour, they are only AD” when there are 3 AP champs in the enemy team.
  • You panic and rage ping the whole map making it impossible to listen to the few important pings.
  • You refuse to communicate when it’s important but you have the time to rage
  • You think this is an ego shooter and have to show how manly you are but guess what > it’s a team game. If you wanna play solo, play GTA or Fallout or something.
  • You stand at the shop for a whole minute?! Hey if shopping is so great, go play the Sims! Please, you are playing ranked, know what you want to buy – buy it – and go back into the game…
  • If you are so great, asshole, then why are you still in BronzefuckingFIVE? Tell me, oh you my guru.
  • If everybody else is a noob but you, then how comes you play in low elo? Ah sure, yes, I know, you are Korean Challenger and this is your smurf. Right right, sorry I forgot.
  • You start surrender votes after whining for 15 minutes but guess what, I will not press surrender, because FUCK YOU that’s why

I will report every single one of you fuckers because you suck the fun out of a game I love. I hope you get your sorry ass banned from every server of every game. Go play monopoly if you love raging so much.

I have a lot of patience. A LOT of it, I promise that. But at some point… when I see what type of games I lose, I get SO SO frustrated.

This is the type of game I lose:

People fight in champion select over the bans and the lanes. Then they fight over the champions picked. Then they force me into support because last pick. I have no problem playing support, I like it. I have a problem if my ADC is an idiot who can’t differentiate between me harassing the enemy and me engaging. I have a problem with my ADC not last hitting and not taking the few opportunities they get to poke. I have a problem when I am doing the best I can with zoning the fucking enemy so my fucking idiot ADC can farm in peace and then I see that he is still fucking outfarmed. Are you fucking serious?

I made a promise to myself. If I have to support and my ADC has less that 80 CS by 15 minutes, I will steal his fucking farm and build AP instead of support because someone needs to carry the fucking game and my ADC who doesn’t farm is of no use anyway. Fuck you, give me those minions, at least that gold is in good hands.And I swear, you dare flame me, I will leave your fucking botlane. Yo pro, go and deal with that shit alone instead of making me waste my time that could be used helping someone who can appreciate it.
Also PLEASE we are in Bronze, I don’t want to know how well you learnt some websites by heart. I don’t care what counters what in your opinion. Counter picking doesn’t ducking matter on this skill level. Play what you know well and you will win your lane, I promise. Stop counter picking just because someone tells you to. If you are shit at the counter you will lose your lane and you will feed.

I have time for about 3 matches per day. You know why? Because I have a job and I get home at 6:30pm so I get to play at 8pm unless other things need to be done. I want to have fun and I want to rank up. You assholes waste my time by making a whole team lose with your fucking flame.

Also, I play this for fun. I will not listen to your fucking flame and blame. I will not do what you say, and I will – in addition – build whatever I think fits the situation best. I will fucking carry myself out of this shit. And I will laugh at you when I am Gold 1. When I play my promo to Platinum and you are still in Bronze 5, calling everybody else a noob.

Grow up, you idiots.

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Raging at the ragers outside the game feels good! I am done :)

Cheers

Interview with Riot Games

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I applied at Riot Games because I really wanted to do that for a long time.

I didn’t do it earlier because there was a position open at my job which I would have loved. They had me in for an interview but in the end someone else got that job. So now was a good time to apply at Riot Games.

I love the game, I really do, and I heard a lot of positive things about Riot Games as employer.

I have my interview on Monday and am really excited about it.

As far as I know, you have to be successful in more than 1 interview with them. I heard different numbers of which 6 was the highest. I heard that there were people who made it into the the 6th interview, with the big boss in America, and then didn’t get the job in the end.

Well I hope I make it through all the interviews fine… But even if they don’t want to hear more from me after, I still feel kind of special. After all, they do get an overwhelming amount of applications in every day but picked me to have a talk.

Well wish me luck on Monday!

“You have come a long way”

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“You have come a long way”

That’s what my husband said to me the other night.
We were having a conversation about a good friend who is having a little rough patch in his relationship. He was telling me some things and in the end I told him how it’s all a normal part of a relationship. I mentioned how my husband and I tend to fight over stupid little things sometimes or how we sometimes fight so much that we both go into complete shutdown. And nevertheless we are having a great relationship and love each other. Rough patches are a part of the package.

My husband got a bit quiet and then he said “You have come a long way” to me. And I think he is right.

When we met I was in a bad place. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I had met him online and moved in with him after only meeting him once. I left my country, carrying a package of problems and debts on my shoulders. Moved in with him, not knowing the language, not knowing if he is a crazy psychopath. I was unable to deal with negative things (trauma) so I got scared and cried every time he would just so much as speak in a serious tone (not even raise his voice).

And where am I now?

I see a future, I care about myself and my husband. I have plans and enjoy live and love. I am over all the bad things. I learned to deal with negative things and I am improving my social and emotional skills. It’s all on an upwards spiral if you like.

And you know what? It feels fucking great.

The things I learned since I met my husband:

  • I am entitled to an opinion
  • It is ok to be wrong sometimes
  • Having emotions is ok
  • Showing emotions is ok
  • Talking about problems is ok
  • Mistakes are ok if you learn from them
  • It is impossible to please everybody
  • Asking questions is good

I still need to work on a lot of things, because I simply never learned some of the things that come easy to other people. Small talk, smiling, dealing with new situations, dealing with new people, and much more but: Indeed, I have come a long way.

Being self-confident is really a great feeling. Try it for yourself :)

My new friend

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He really needs someone to talk and I am a good listener and I have this big heart for troubled teenagers. I don’t mean teenage-brats who feel troubled because they got less pocketmoney than normal. I am talking about teenagers who have problems and troubles that they shouldn’t have to worry about.

He is one of them. Every once in a while a teenager like this crosses my path and I help them on their feet so they can move on without thinking about suicide or selfharm.

This guy has been bullied for a long time. His family won’t accept him since he came out gay.
He is a great guy, very mature, fun, and smart. But he is not confident. He has no idea how much he can do with his life and all the chances he has.
When he gets upset he locks everybody out.

Every now and then he tells me about himself. I am not making him. We just talk and when he gets upset I make sure that he talks about it instead of bottling it up. He has too much bottled up already and right now seems like a ticking time bomb more than anything else.
He told me many things already. Things about his family, his dead ex-boyfriend, some selfharm, the bullying, and such things. I noticed that even for a heavy smoker he smokes a lot.
I am not too sure how to help him.
I had serious cases like this before but they were different.
Something about this guy is special and I really want to help him but I am somewhat at the end of my wisdom here.
All I can do is offer an open ear whenever he needs it.

More than two genders is not complicated

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I had a conversation with my husband this weekend. A long one. It was about the transgender community. He had a lot of questions and I answered. What I found during the conversation was the fact that a lot of words are being used wrongly because of a lack of education.

Sexuality, Gender identity, and such things are usually taboo topics and therefore people find them weird, no one educates about it, and what follows is a lot of confusion and misunderstandings.

This is why I felt like I should explain a few very simple things.

Some words:

  • Sex: Refers to which type of genital you were born. Penis=Male, Vagina=Female
  • Gender: Refers to what Sex you identify if you even identify with a sex. This can be different from the sex you were born with.
  • Homosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the own sex.
  • Bisexual: Sex is not important when it comes to romantic/sexual encounters.
  • Gay: Male+Male preference
  • Lesbian: Female+Female preference
  • Heterosexual: A romantic/sexual preference towards the opposite sex.
  • Asexual: Not identifying with a certain gender. Often refers to people who have no sexual urges.
  • Transgender: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with, therefore you changed it or want to change it or are in the process.
  • Gender queer: The gender you identify with doesn’t match the sex you were born with.
  • Tranny:  Another word for Transgender
  • Cross dresser: A person that dresses as the opposite sex (clichee) but gender identity matches the sex they were born with.
  • Transition: A person in the progress of matching their body to the gender they identify as.
  • MtF: Male to Female
  • FtM: Female to Male

Other things:

  • “It’s just a phase”: How you identify yourself and your romantic life is not a phase > It is who you are, your identity.
  • The bible says, it’s an abomination: No one needs to accept the bible as truth, especially considering the age of the book and how much got lost in translation already.
  • Everybody is Bi-sexual: Being able to appreciate that someone of the same sex can look good does not make one a bi-sexual. There are a lot of ways to feel romantically towards other people. Bisexuality is one of those ways.
  • Homesexuality can be healed: Homosexuality is not an illness. People are born that way. They didn’t “catch it” somewhere, it’s not spreading.
  • Only Male+Female is natural: Actually no. It has been proven over and over again that in the animal kingdom (and the human is part of that) all kinds of sexual and family bonds exist. This includes homosexuality (swans, guinea pigs, cats, …), monogamy (swans), polygamy (certain types of apes, lions, dogs, wolves, cats,…), and more.

My account:

Being bisexual is as normal for me as any other type of romantic/sexual feeling is for other people. My husband is straight and he never ever felt anything more than plain friendship towards men. But I always had a strong preference towards females. Liking males at the same time made things confusing for me in this society and at that time but I couldn’t change it. It was normal for me to feel that way.
I heard at some point that people like to think that bisexuals just can’t make a choice.
That’s not true and I am living proof of that. As much as I love women, I live in a straight relationship. I love my husband. I am true to him. I wouldn’t even dream of cheating, even with a girl. I am very open about this so he always knows. I am not jealous and he isn’t either.
In addition to being bisexual I am gender queer.
I was born in a female body and I like my private parts ;) BUT I do not identify as a woman.
I have some female traits.
I like bags a lot, I love cooking and baking, I am a very creative writer.
But apart from that, I am more guy.
I love camping, knifes, survival shows, comfortable clothes, fit bums, working on my bike, and esports. I don’t use makeup or nailpolish, I am not spending an hour in the bathroom to “get ready”, I don’t own a lot of clothes, and I don’t have to fill every quiet minute with random babbling.
This part of me makes my husband very happy because we can do stuff together he would normally need a guy-friend for. We can sit on the beach and check out women. We even watch similar types of porn. We can work on the bikes or just sit down for  a drink without saying a word.

Me being this way was not a choice or a phase.
This is me and I like to be seen as just me, not as a category that one needs to be disgusted about.
I have been this way all my life.
Once I understood that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, all the annoying things that minorities encounter stopped for me. No laughing or giggling, no stupid questions, no defending my lifestyle, no bullying, nothing.
I am not making a secret of who I am but I am also not making it conversation topic number one whenever I can.
It’s my own private life and I can share it if I feel safe with a person.
In reality apart from my husband (and you, the reader, as an anonymous crowd) I haven’t fully come out to a lot of people. Not even my own mom.
I think there are 4 or 5 people I completely came out to. I am happy with that. These people are very important for me and they are all great.

 

I hope this post helps those who seek for a few simple explanations. If you have any questions, please let me know in the comments.

Cheers